


We Are Shepard

by HeavenOnFire



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Control Ending, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 11:12:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/550933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenOnFire/pseuds/HeavenOnFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years after Shepard fired the Crucible and at the beginning of a new decade, Specter Kaidan Alenko discovers a new and old threat to the galaxy. But within that threat, he also finds a treasure which might be able to help him move on. Torn between duties and overwhelming feelings, the second human Specter is desperately in need of a sanity check.<br/>Written for Mass Effect Big Bang 2012</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Perseverance

**Author's Note:**

> Thousand thanks to my wonderful beta MiraiShiranui. Any remaining errors are mine.  
> Awesome art by yanyari.  
> and of course thanks to Alisha Torn.

_The first thing I remembered was the warmth of my womb. The vivid fluid had covered every part of my body but oxygen still filled my lungs._

_The second thing I remembered was the cold of the world. The air had been dry and the light too bright. I was wrapped in a blanket but I was still freezing._

_The third thing I remembered was his face. Then his voice. I didn’t know who he was or what he was. But he smiled at me and I knew I loved him._

_My name is Unit Seven and I am only one of many._

**Day One**

**01: Perseverance**

**Terminus System, 2190 CE.**

_Perseverance_ was a ship new to her era. Before her, the galaxy was dominated by a single ship, which was called the _Normandy_. But now, at the beginning of a new decade and under the spell of a legend, it was time for the _Perseverance_ and her sisters to conquer space and its stars.

Resting in her womb, an old soldier sighed as he gently traced his fingers over her blue surface. She felt the electrical touch of his skin and affection emerged from her core. She enjoyed his presence even though she knew that he hated her.

 _Perseverance_ , that was how she was known now; but once upon a time she was called a Reaper. Though the Reaper she had been had long perished, she still carried thoughts directed by her creators. Today, she was guided by a new master. A being once made of flesh and bones, a being that made her listen and watch.

So now, silently, _Perseverance_ gathered what she knew about the human Major who stood frozen in her body. She could see his eyes upon her surface, sense the warmth of his skin and even hear his heartbeat. Though she was only a machine, all these still made her sad for she knew that she could never be close to him again.

It was the part of her master inside her that made her feel this way. It was something she couldn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend. It simply existed.

Four years ago, when her old master dominated her thoughts, humans were merely tools to be used. But today, with new perspectives stored in her core, she had started to see humans as valuable beings. Sometimes she wondered if this was what she was created for. But she had no control over her purpose.

Her body was handled by a human pilot named Adam Bell and her thoughts belonged to Shepard. She was a machine; a sum of Reaper tech and human innovation. She was only a shell, a tool, which loved a man who didn’t love himself.

That was why when she focused her optics on the Major’s face she saw nothing but emptiness in his eyes. For him, the world had become silent four years ago. When the last of her kind left Earth, cheers and cries had lost any meaning to him as the world he fought for vanished with the man he loved.

In that tiny moment as the Major had learned that the man who ensured the galaxy’s future had become her master, Kaidan Alenko’s future had died.

Though many said that from the ashes of burned worlds a new warrior had risen, _Perseverance_ had seen too much to believe this human assumption to be correct. To her, he was just as hollow as she was.

She had recordings of an asari asking him once why he lost faith in life. His answer was something she couldn’t understand. He said that without hope he wouldn’t be disappointed. Yet hope and disappointment were concepts only her master could comprehend.

“Major.” _Perseverance’s_ captain coughed slightly beside the man she was watching. “We are approaching our destination.”

“Very well,” the Major said with an instinctive twitch that was undetectable to human eyes. “Assemble my squad in the hanger bay, I’ll brief them on route.”

The Captain saluted and _Perseverance_ changed camera‑angles to follow the Major as he headed to the elevator. Once inside, the Major let out a sigh and his hand trembled slightly. He once again placed his fingers over her body and she would have smiled if she could.

“I’m lost without you.” His lips moved but little sound escaped his mouth. _Perseverance_ heard.

Since her creation, the Major was the only one who had ever talked to her, though she couldn’t be sure if he was really talking to her. She had never answered. Her master forbade this no matter how much she desired Kaidan. She wanted to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that she was still watching and that he’d never be alone; but her task wasn’t to comfort him. It was to transport him to another deck.

 “I wish you hadn’t left me.” His words were hidden behind another sigh.

 _But I am still with you_ , _Perseverance_ thought.

The Major couldn’t hear her and his fingers left her body. The spot he touched still stored the heat of his human flesh and _Perseverance_ wanted it never to leave. She would have kept him there in her elevator forever, making his scent fill the room and his warmth heat her floor. But she was only a machine and all she could do was open the doors and change camera‑angles.

His four teammates were already waiting. He stepped in front of them and they would have saluted him in near perfect synch if Corporal Johnson hadn’t hesitated for a fraction of a second. The Major nodded. He stepped into the waiting shuttle and _Perseverance_ started to miss the weight of his body on her surface. She could still sense him, but his image was lost to her.

As the shuttle took off, _Perseverance_ thought about closing the hangar door to keep him close. She would, if she could. But instead, she switched to her outer cameras and tracked his drift into deep, black space.

She watched the Alliance shuttle grow smaller and smaller, and something happened that even _Perseverance_ couldn’t process. Data flashed through her processors and filled her core. For that fraction of a second, _Perseverance_ was startled. But then, a message emerged from those strange numbers. It took her a long time to decrypt it and when it was done, she registered it as a command from her master, allowing her to follow the Major.

She activated her cyber‑warfare suite and within seconds she had gained control of the shuttle’s sensors. As Kaidan’s features filled her lenses and his voice reached her mics, her master demanded a report. So _Perseverance_ watched and listened and let her master be part of it.

The Major’s moves were empty and his words hollow. None of these actions were how her data‑core remembered them. The profile she possessed said something else about the Major; that he once was a man capable of emotion and passion. But today, the Major was cold.

Just like the space outside which suddenly lit up with a flash of fire.

Her outer sensor alarms cracked into life. She locked onto the incoming missile before it reached the shuttle’s bulk. Her combat‑suite kicked in and she directed the shuttle into a dodge more accurate than any human pilot could have managed. She dodged a second missile while three of the four Alliance soldiers lost their hold on the handles. The Major remained standing.

He fought his way to the cockpit and activated the mic. She immediately ran simulations of what he might do or say while she readied the shuttle’s cannons in case of returning fire.

“Rouge Base,” he said with strength and authority in his voice. “Here speaks Spectre Kaidan Alenko of the _Perseverance_ , cease fire! I repeat, cease fire!”

The chance of the rogue base responding with another missile was over 90 per cent, but Kaidan didn’t even blink. Nothing in her simulations and her file on human behaviour told her what gave this soldier his confidence, and she watched with awe as she felt her master’s urge to protect this man.

Contradictory to her calculations, the station ceased fire. The path was free for the Alliance shuttle and Kaidan didn’t even look surprised. But _Perseverance_ never had recorded a time where the Major showed human emotions in public.

As the shuttle approached the station, _Perseverance_ registered her control failing. She wasn’t as efficient as other models controlled by her master and she had no choice but to release her control and focus with her outer cameras.

She remembered the day when her master’s thoughts had entered her mind and took control of her. On that day four years ago she had registered an anomaly which she interpreted as an emotion. Her master had been sad, devastated, heart‑broken, and above all she had felt the sensation of loss. Those emotions were translated into data in her core and she remembered those vivid numbers as if it had been yesterday.         

 _Perseverance_ watched Kaidan fly away with the same feelings her master felt for this man inside of her. All her processors ran hot to increase the chance of him coming back alive.

It didn’t matter that she was only a machine; she just couldn’t lose him again.


	2. Major Alenko

**02: Major Alenko**

“Hostiles on our six!” Johnson’s voice sounded in Kaidan’s helmet.

He aimed the barrel of his gun at a nearby hostile and gently pulled the trigger. Kaidan watched him fall as he listened to the last scream of that man. Though the Alliance helmet occluded most of the distracting sounds of battle, Kaidan could still hear his students’ panting and the dying man’s moan.

When the station ceased fire, Kaidan had thought that the hanger would be clear. He hadn’t expected to be greeted by no less than a dozen heavily armed soldiers trying to board his shuttle. The first man that charged into their line had died before Kaidan’s boots had touched the floor. The second had fallen when Kaidan crouched behind a spare crate. The third was taken out by his students before the battle had really started.

“Herman, Scott!” Kaidan shouted, popping another heat sink out of his assault rifle. “Cover our six. Varov, cover me. I’m going up!”

Kaidan concentrated for a second and activated his biotics, carrying himself through the air. He ascended higher and higher and, with a smooth move, his feet found the roof of their shuttle. Standing on the high-ground, Kaidan’s eyes glanced over their battlefield.

The hanger was abandoned and heavily damaged. The ships that once took shelter here had either been destroyed or were gone. Out of the dozen troopers that had opposed him at the beginning, only six remained. Two tried to target him but his shield was too strong for their empty attempts. He couldn’t see their faces but their armour indicated that they were human. Their movements were drilled but their foolish attacks expressed their desperation.

With a calm Kaidan only found under fire, he dropped to a crouch, making himself a smaller target. The recoil of his rifle against his shoulder was a reminder of the danger he was in but at the same time it was his reassurance that he was still alive. His finger didn’t leave the trigger while his eyes focused on their enemies. The red of the flashing muzzle and the blue of biotics was all what he could see. Kaidan lost himself in combat.

This had been Kaidan Alenko’s life for four years now. Gunfire and biotics were all he lived for these days. Once upon a time many, many years ago, he was like his students. Passionate, young, and eager to prove himself. Once upon a time, Kaidan Alenko had people he cared for, people he loved. Once upon a time, he had things to live for, to die for.

But today, all he had was his mission. In the past four years, Kaidan had finished more jobs than any other Council Spectre or any Alliance Officer. He had earned more commendations than he had in his entire career or during the war. He had fought and killed and, above all, he had always succeeded.

Some said that he was on his way to becoming a legend. Others said that he was mad to risk his life so frequently. But Kaidan knew better. Without pressing fire to distract him he had too much time to think. Too much time to mourn.

When his finger finally left the trigger the hanger bay was redecorated with 12 new corpses. The walls were black from the scorch of grenades while the blood of the dead painted the floor beneath their feet in a crimson red. Looking upon the dead and damaged, Kaidan felt nothing at all. Though he knew he was supposed to be grateful to be alive.

“Well, that was a way to say hello!” Corporal Johnson breathed out and joked beside him which brought a snort from Sergeant Scott.

“I thought they ceased fire,” Corporal Herman cut in, still breathing heavily after the fight.

“Let me tell you a secret, Herman.” Corporal Johnson nudged her in the side, his voice carrying the smile behind his helmet. “People lie.”

“Idiot!” 

“Hey, cut the chatter!” Lieutenant Varov appeared next to the shuttle, watching Kaidan as he slid from the roof. “Major?”

“They didn’t lie,” Kaidan said with certainty and knelt down to examine the body at his feet. “It was a trap. They lured us in to capture our shuttle.”

“I don’t get it,” Johnson said.

“Think before you talk, Corporal,” Kaidan replied. “These troops weren’t Alliance and the hanger is a mess. If they wanted to leave they need to capture a ship.”

“But why did they fire on us in the first place?” Sergeant Scott asked.

“Too soon to make any assumptions,” Kaidan said and continued to examine the dead’s armour. It was well manufactured, though his rounds still cut through the plates. Something seemed odd here. The question Sergeant Scott asked wasn’t inappropriate nor was it foolish. This base wasn’t what it seemed. Wiping the blood from the dead man’s chest, Kaidan frowned, seeing the orange and white strips underneath. He wasn’t wrong when he had first thought that these men looked familiar, and then, like a shooting star, realization dawned. “I can’t believe this!” he gasped.

“Major?” Varov knelt down next to him. Despite her young age, Lieutenant Varov was a very capable soldier. She was brave and smart. During her short career in the Alliance she had already earned several commendations, but what Kaidan appreciated the most was that she thought before she spoke.

“Take a look, Lieutenant.” Kaidan rose to his feet and indicated to the corpse with his tilted head. “It’s Cerberus.”

“I thought they were destroyed?” Her voice became a low whisper and Kaidan knew she was searching his face for reaction. “You destroyed them during the war!”

“I did,” Kaidan said through clenched teeth.  “I can’t see any visible logo, so either they stole Cerberus armour or it’s a splinter group.”

“What is Cerberus doing here?” She asked, scanning the armour with her omni‑tool thoroughly.

“I don’t know, but we’ll find out.” He looked around as he wiped the blood from his glove. The entrance to the inner facility wasn’t that far and Kaidan turned to his students. “Scott, Herman, you’ll stay here and guard the shuttle. I doubt that we got all of them. Varov, Johnson, you come with me.”

“Understood.” Scott gave him a quick salute. “Good luck, Sir.”

“You too, Sergeant,” Kaidan said in good faith and didn’t linger any longer.

Ever since he realized that these might be Cerberus troops, his heart had started jumping higher than it had in the past four years. Though he showed no sign of his agitation, he couldn’t lie to himself and say that Cerberus was an opponent he was eager to meet again. His hatred for this organisation ran too deep for him to stay apathetic. With every step he took the old and unsatisfied anger returned to him, making his insides boil with rage.

This was supposed to be an Alliance base; but instead of the blue stars he saw only white and orange stripes. How could Cerberus have been in this facility long enough to redecorate? How could they have missed this?

His footsteps echoed through the corridor lit red with emergency lighting. The base had shut down three weeks ago and none of the ships the Council had sent ever returned. Now he knew why. Either they were blown out of the sky before they reached the base, or the crew were killed as soon as they landed. His gut twisted and his teeth clenched tighter as he thought about the lives lost here. Old fury from the days of Sanctuary flashed from the depths of his mind and he recalled the fire which had fuelled his combat.

Kaidan hated Cerberus. Hated it with every cell of his body and every breath he took. He thought about the betrayal during the Reaper war which had cost them valuable time and precious friends. He thought about the secrets he had discovered during his long years of service for the Alliance and the time they had stolen from him. Time he could have spent with the man he loved. Time he could have used to say goodbye.

“Be on guard,” Kaidan said in a low voice. It was more a warning to himself than to his two students who walked at his side with their rifles readied. “This is more than just a research base. As long as Cerberus is involved, always brace yourselves for a surprise.”

“Got it,” Varov replied and swung her flashlight to check the left flank.

 “Holy _shit_!” Corporal Johnson’s scream was amplified by the empty corridor. Kaidan reached out instinctively, preventing Johnson from a fall. The young Adept was breathing hard, but Kaidan still credited him for not accidently pulling the trigger.

“I’m good, Major,” Johnson sounded very out of breath and even more embarrassed. “I’m good.”

“You’re sure?” Kaidan let go of his elbow and swung his flashlight in the direction Johnson had been looking.

Before he received Johnson’s response, his attention was called by whatever scared the shit out of the Corporal. Even though Kaidan had seen many kinds of Reaper abominations, a gutted corpse pinned to a window was still horrific in a room lit by only red light. The method was barbaric; blood and bowels were splattered on the glass, while the arms were stretched to the side and pinned to the surface with nails.

Kaidan swallowed.

“Holy shit!” Varov’s voice was filled with contempt. She sounded as horrified as Kaidan felt. “They crucified him!”

The Corporal walked closer to the window and put a hand on the glass. He leaned forward as if he was searching for some detail. Johnson’s hand must have activated a sensor and suddenly the room behind the window lit up and exposed a huge hall filled with glass tanks.

Kaidan had seen this scene before and his heart fell. Behind one layer of glass stood line after line of bluish, glowing tanks of the most advanced technology available. Naked human males were floating in the fluid while face-masks supplied them with oxygen. A quick glance to the display above their tanks told Kaidan that they were all inactive; it was a relief, but not a big one.

“What the hell _is_ this?” Johnson gasped, stepping away from the glass slowly.

“Clones,” Kaidan replied while allowing himself a mental curse.

“There must be thousands of them,” Varov commented, her tone rising.

“So that’s what Cerberus is after!” Johnson blurted out. “They want these men? Clones? Whatever?”

“Maybe. Let’s take a closer look,” Kaidan said. “Johnson, get on that door!”

The three minutes Johnson needed to hack the door seemed a lot longer. With nothing but failing lights and pressing silence, Kaidan couldn’t lose the bad feeling he’d had since he entered this base. When the door finally opened wide for Varov to slide through, Kaidan braced his arms and back against it, making room for Johnson to enter.

Johnson seemed to carry a curse today. Once his bulky body reached the door, the whole corridor was filled with the sound a shrill siren that pierced through the silence. Kaidan felt the door coming to life and instead of parting completely, the sides started to press against his body with mechanical force.

Kaidan wasn’t a weak man and his armour enhanced his strength, but he knew he wasn’t strong enough to hold on long enough for both of them to get through. He felt his muscles buckle and his teeth clench. He just had to hold on a second longer and Johnson would be through.

His muscles didn’t give out a minute too soon. When Johnson’s foot passed the door, Kaidan let go and rolled out of the way just in time and the door slammed shut in front of him with enough pressure to crack his chest. The bad thing was that he was on the wrong side.

He cursed loudly and activated the short‑range communicator. He worked through a few frequencies until Varov’s steady voice reached his ears.

“Major,” she spoke calmly. “Is that you?”

“Continue the search without me, Lieutenant,” Kaidan ordered. “I’ll find another way and rendezvous with you later.”

“Understood, Sir!”

“Alenko out.”

Spectres worked alone; that was the first thing Kaidan had learned about them. But the first Spectre he had met insisted on heading out on his own and the next time Kaidan saw him, he had been dead. Odds weren’t in his favour today, but Kaidan had seen too much to be scared of the dark or wandering alone.

He checked his weapons once again and took a deep breath. Though he had no floor‑plans of this facility, his instincts had helped him a lot during his career. He took one step after the other and with every step, his tension eased a bit.

This was what he did best. With his weapon in hands, biotics running flawlessly and no sign of a headache incoming, Kaidan was confident as ever. When he worked alone, he could completely focus. He didn’t have to watch out for his less experienced students and could unleash the full power of his mind without worrying about collateral damage.

And damage was what he did. When he encountered a patrolling troop a few corridors later, Kaidan didn’t hesitate to remove them. He would have left them alive to question them, but when the gun‑fire pressed against his armour, instinct took over and saved his life.

He sighed at the dead bodies and moved on.

It was one hour later that Kaidan finally heard something other than the hum of the emergency lighting. The sound of fired shots was unmistakable and before he even realized it he was hiding behind cover with his rifle at his shoulder.

Just as he thought, the patrol‑troop he met before wasn’t the only one. In the narrow corridor before him, crowded between two closed doors, five troopers were battling a single man. The other wasn’t one of his students, as Kaidan had expected, but a man who was clearly injured and at the last of his strength.

Without much thought, Kaidan poked out of his cover and fired cryo‑rounds at the Cerberus troops. He didn’t wait until the cryo kicked in and killed the man by splitting his skull. A second trooper went down before they even registered that they were being attacked from behind.

One of them tried to call for back‑up but before he could finish his transmission the stranger had slit his throat with his omni-blade. For a minute, he and Kaidan worked as one. The stranger’s biotics surged through the room and when the troopers were flying through the air Kaidan picked them off like target practice. Kaidan froze another one with his cryo-blast and the stranger’s blade broke through the trooper’s chest. When the last trooper fell by a double Reave, Kaidan’s barrel was turned to point at the stranger.

For a second, he thought he recognized the sky blue eyes behind the blood-covered face. The stranger tumbled and fell to the floor. Again it was instinct that let Kaidan catch the man in his arms. Kaidan gently placed the stranger on the floor and the medi-gel dispense protocol was already active when Kaidan’s eyes found the stranger’s.

He definitely knew these eyes. No one else in the whole galaxy had these sky blue eyes and no one had ever looked at him like this.

(Art by [Janyari](http://yanjara.livejournal.com/))

“Shepard…” Kaidan whispered and his hands started to shake.

“Kaidan?” Shepard whispered back and his blood-soaked fingers traced Kaidan’s helmet.

Ignoring the safety warnings, Kaidan opened the seal of his helmet and removed it from his head. The first thing he felt was Shepard’s fingers on his face, followed by the cold of his skin. Even without his combat‑medic training, Kaidan would have known that Shepard had lost too much blood. His armour was destroyed and the remaining plates were scorched, blood and the melted cloth of his under‑suit sticking to his naked skin.

In times like this, Kaidan didn’t feel any panic, though he knew he probably should. Too many years on the battlefield had hardened him. He knew that he might review this scene later and would be overwhelmed by fear, but right now, all Kaidan could think about was keeping Shepard alive with the knowledge stored in his head.

“Kaidan,” Shepard whispered again, powerless and tired.

“Shh, shh, shh. Save your strength, John.” Kaidan’s voice was steady and his first‑aid moves accurate. “Don’t worry, you’ll be all right. I’m bringing you home.”

“You made it…” Shepard smiled slightly and then his eyes unfocused.

“John, stay with me. Don’t leave again!” 

“Kaidan…” Shepard’s voice faded while his eyes rolled into the back of his skull. He twitched once more time and then lay still.

Now, Kaidan began to panic. He had not come this far to find out that his lover was still alive just to lose him again. He took off his glove and pressed his fingers to the man’s neck. He couldn’t feel a pulse. Kaidan searched for it, pressing deeper until he found the weak bump of Shepard’s artery.

He barely had time to sigh with relief as a flash of red appeared in the corner of his eye. Instinctively, he reached out for his rifle but an armoured foot kicked it away.

“Get on your feet!” A familiar voice sounded behind him before something cold and hard pressed against the back of his skull. Knowing that it was the barrel of a gun, Kaidan raised his hands and gestured his surrender.

Yeah, this definitely was not going to be a normal mission.


	3. Unit Seven

**03: Unit Seven**

Kaidan rose to his feet slowly and steadily. He didn’t like his current position but he wasn’t stupid enough to make any escape attempt.

“Now face the wall and keep your hands where I can see them,” the man behind him commanded and Kaidan did as he was told. He walked slowly and pressed his hands on the wall like he was under police inspection. Almost instantly, he felt hands on his body and a few seconds later he was unarmed.

“I am Major Kaidan Alenko of the Citadel Council’s Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch—” he began but the man cut him off.

“I know who you are,” the man snapped, impatient. “Now shut up! You, get him.”

Judging by the footsteps behind him, Kaidan was surrounded by at least three people. One was right behind him, breathing down his neck through a helmet and binding his arms behind his back. He even blindfolded Kaidan. The other, judging by the distance of his movements, was fetching Shepard, while the man who spoke before remained at his current position.

Remembering his injured and maybe dead lover on the floor, Kaidan’s arms twitched. He calculated his chances of escaping his three opponents with an unconscious Shepard added to his weight, but dropped the idea because he knew he was outnumbered. There might still be armed forces behind the speaker without him knowing. And even if he succeeded, his chance of healing Shepard was too low.

For now his only option was the tiny hope that Shepard was valuable enough to Cerberus that they would keep him alive.

“How’s his condition?” the man with the familiar voice asked again, sounding worried this time. Kaidan still couldn’t pinpoint the origin of this voice, but something triggered an emotion inside of him.

“Not good,” a voice changed by a helmet answered. “We have to move him down to HQ. He lost a lot of blood.”

“Dammit! I told him not to go,” the first man spoke again. “Okay, let’s move!” He paused. “Great, now he can’t walk for himself!”

“He’s just blindfolded, not crippled!” The man behind Kaidan chuckled. “I can knock him out and carry him if you want?”

“Don’t be stupid!” the first man said again. “Kaidan is too smart for that, right? You can carry him as he is.”

Kaidan listened and the more he heard the more confused he became. That wasn’t how soldiers talked. They sounded too familiar with each other, too close. And the way they spoke about him?

“If you’re quite finished, can we go now?” the muffled voice said.

So there was one without a helmet and two men with helmets. And all three with very similar voices. Then realization dawned. Those weren’t different men, but rather copies of a single one. And though Kaidan’s heart denied the possibility, his mind already knew that these men were clones of a particular dead hero.

“No,” Kaidan whispered to himself, eyes pressed closed in mental pain. He felt a shoulder against his stomach and a moment and a grunt later, his feet left the floor.

“Ouch.” The man under him snorted, his armoured shoulder pressed against Kaidan’s belly. “He’s gotten heavier.”

“Cut the chatter!” The one without a helmet sounded nothing less than pissed. “We need to hurry before more of those bastards come back.”

This time, Kaidan definitely recognized his voice. It was Shepard’s voice and it stung like a blade. He had no logical explanation as to how this could be possible. He knew that Shepard died when he fired the Crucible. He knew that Cerberus was beaten and scattered; so how in fucking Hell could this be possible?

But he had seen the thousands of tanks with Shepard sleeping within. Though he hadn’t recognized them back there, now Kaidan knew that he wasn’t mistaken. And what about the one he found on the floor? Was that Shepard? He had called Kaidan by name and he said that he had been waiting. How could a man look at him with so much love and only be a copy?

No, that must have been the real Shepard. Somehow his lover must have survived the blast and ended up in a Cerberus facility. Somehow, his lover couldn’t contact him just as he couldn’t send a message after being rebuilt by this very same organization.

Somehow, Shepard was still with him.

When Kaidan was set down, he had the feeling that about 20 minutes had passed. Through the black fabric over his eyes he could just make out a well lit room and several people in it. He saw rushed movements and heard armour plates clacking. Someone called for a medic named Jimmy and received many gasps from around the room. Footsteps sounded from afar but there were too many for Kaidan to make out their numbers. He heard chairs being pushed away and a door hissed.

Footsteps came closer to him and two hands grabbed him on each upper arm. He didn’t resist when they dragged him along, listening for significant sounds, hoping that he could recognize something. The light behind his blindfold changed and Kaidan guessed that he was entering a cell. Someone pushed him rather roughly and Kaidan tumbled but didn’t fall. A moment later the door hissed shut behind him and the room was silent.

He took a deep breath and dry air filled his lungs. He sat down on the cold floor and closed his eyes. Now, he waited patiently. Patience, something Shepard always lacked but Kaidan had mastered.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but the voice that woke him was the one he had missed for so many years.

“Alenko, wake up!” the man spoke bluntly and the smell of coffee reached Kaidan’s nose. “Hey, you dead?”

“Not yet,” Kaidan replied, voice deep with caution. “Remove the blindfold.”

“Nah, I shouldn’t,” the man who sounded like Shepard said.

“But you can.”

“I can do a lot of things. To you.”

“Remove the blindfold,” Kaidan repeated, this time with strength in his voice.

“God, that voice!” The man let out a trembling sigh. 

“You know who I am?”

“Yeah, you already said.” The vivid curves in the man’s tone made Kaidan’s heart hurt. “You’re Kaidan Alenko, Major of the Alliance, the second human Spectre and the hero of the Reaper War. Oh, and you’re the lover of my father.”

“You mean Shepard.” Kaidan had difficulty keeping his voice steady. “You’re cloned from his DNA, right?”

“Didn’t think you’d figure it out this fast, but yeah, I’m a Shepard‑clone.”

Kaidan let out a breath which contained all his pain and his anger. The term _Shepard_ ‑ _clone_ was an insult. Before he fell asleep a few hours ago, he had thought about this. No matter how far he got, he just couldn’t let someone sully Shepard’s memory, let alone use his legacy as a weapon. He had nearly vowed to himself that he would destroy this violation against nature, but Kaidan had never killed a man on a whim. He’d ask questions first.

“Hey,” the Shepard‑clone said and kicked against his foot. “You okay?”

Kaidan wanted to get rid of this blindfold to see Shepard’s face, but if he didn’t see it he could still believe that this man was lying. That all this was nothing more than a crazy nightmare. That he could just wake up and forget all of this. Finally, he spoke through clenched teeth,

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t!” the clone snapped back, sounding close to being offended. “You’re useful, that’s all.”

“How?”

“You’re my ticket off this station. I don’t want to die here.”

“And you really think I’d unleash you on the galaxy?”

“I’m a person, not a beast!” the clone snapped. “And I have a name! It’s _Jared_!”

“You’re an abomination!” Kaidan spat with anger. “A violation against nature. You shouldn’t even exist. How dare you.”

A gauntlet met his jaw and though the pain was strong, Kaidan didn’t regret his words. What else should he do if not defend Shepard’s honour? These clones weren’t what Shepard had in mind when his lover sacrificed himself to ensure the galaxy’s future. Shepard hadn’t died to come back alive as someone else. Something else. And in Cerberus hands? Kaidan would rather die than let them go berserk.

“You know nothing about me!” Jared snorted. His breath was heavy and Kaidan could almost sense his inner struggle, fighting the urge to punch him again. “Damn Alliance brass!”

“Jared!” a second Shepard-voice called from somewhere further away. It sounded slightly different from Jared’s and Kaidan realized that they were almost like different tones of Shepard’s voice. “Stand down.”

“He called me an abomination,” Jared replied.

“I’ve called your worse.”

“But you’re my brother.”

“And he’s Kaidan.” The second clone paused. “Take off his blindfold.”

“You’re sure?”

“We need him on our side. And you’re not getting there.”

“Fine!” Jared muttered and his footsteps came closer.

When he took the blindfold off Kaidan’s eyes, the Major didn’t dare to open them. He still wanted to believe that this was not true, but the truth was something he couldn’t deny.

His lids parted slowly and even before his eyes focused, he knew that Jared wasn’t lying. Listening to Shepard’s voice was something entirely different to seeing him again. Though these clones couldn’t be older than a few years, they had Shepard’s face just as Kaidan remembered it.

Seeing him again, Kaidan felt his pulse rising. His tried to find details that would remind him that these men weren’t his dead lover, but every wrinkle was as he remembered. The sky blue of his eyes, the arc of his brow, the strong line of his jaw; even his lips were perfect.

An unnamed anger flushed his cheeks while an unbroken sadness let his brows frown. His felt his eyes warm with moisture while his throat cut off his air supply. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look away. But at the same time, Kaidan was gasping for air. He clenched his fists and forced himself to take his eyes off those half-shadowed faces.

And then, Kaidan finally discovered the proof that these men were nothing but clones. When Jared turned his face, he saw it and could finally breathe again. On the left side of the clone’s face, a black number two was tattooed. It clearly wasn’t an expression of personal taste but a sign that marked him as a product and not a person. On the other man’s face, on the same spot, number seven dominated his cheek and Kaidan regretted his ignorant thoughts towards these men.

Until now, Kaidan hadn’t even considered them human. He didn’t think about whether they were sentient or not. But looking at them, seeing them, Kaidan realized that they were very much alive. Remorse hit him like a hammer because gazing through their eyes, Kaidan could see their souls.

The man with the number seven on his face approached him and knelt down on his heels before Kaidan. He touched Kaidan’s face gently and for a moment, Kaidan wanted to kiss him. This man was Shepard. He had Shepard’s face, Shepard’s voice and now, he even had Shepard’s spirit.

“I am Unit Seven,” the man said with Shepard’s voice. “My name is Jon. Without the ‘H’.”

“I’m Kaidan.” Kaidan replied, stupidly. “With an ‘A’.”

“I know,” Jon replied with a small smile. “You’re very handsome, Kaidan.”

“You too, Jon.”

“Ugh.” Jared snorted from the door. “Excuse me, I’ll go puke.”

Jon chuckled and rose to his feet. He looked down at Kaidan with half of his face in shadows and at that moment, Kaidan believed that this man was John Shepard.

“I’m sorry for your inconvenience, but I couldn’t risk you making trouble,” Jon said. “If you promise that you’ll behave, I’ll untie you.”

“I won’t kill you,” Kaidan promised. “For now.”

Jon didn’t reply but nodded. Jared was at his wrists immediately as if he had waited for this command. When he removed the ties, Kaidan played with the thought of disabling him and running, but decided against it.

“I have questions,” Kaidan demanded, rising slowly to his feet, rubbing his wrists and shoulder.

“Ask, then.”

“This is supposed to be a Prothean dig site and research base. Why are Cerberus here and why are you here? What the hell is going on?”

Jon gave him a crooked grin and exchanged looks with Jared, who went back to flank the door by leaning against its frame. Though Kaidan hadn’t known them for long, he could already tell that these clones were not all the same even though they were all created from Shepard’s DNA. They didn’t even look alike.

Jared had shaved the sides of his head and kept his hair in the middle growing. Jon had let his dark hair grow out which made him look younger, like the Shepard Kaidan knew. Even the way they held themselves told Kaidan a lot about their personalities.

Jared was a soldier, Kaidan could tell. His muscles were better defined than Jon’s and his pose indicated that his serenity was only an act. Jon on the other hand radiated natural calm, although the passion for battle glistened in his eyes.

And those eyes were fixed upon Kaidan. His smile disappeared and Kaidan’s muscles tensed.

“This _was_ a research base as you were told,” Jon began. “I don’t know exactly when, but Cerberus infiltrated this base about three and a half years ago and set up the cloning facility. I was created two years ago along with my brothers. Three weeks ago we started the riot and took over the base. That’s when I put out the distress call.”

“You sent the signal?” Kaidan asked, disbelief heavy in his voice. “I thought it was the scientists.”

“They’re either dead or gone.” Jon frowned and lowered his head. “They didn’t last long once we were ready for combat.”

“What do you mean?”

“Once we were ready, Cerberus…disposed of a few scientists. When we started our rebellion, Cerberus fled. They took the survivors with them, but I don’t know where they went. We dug in and waited. But every ship that arrived only threatened us with destruction.”

“So you blew them out of sky,” Kaidan finished for him, revolted by their actions.

“They tried to kill us!” Jared shouted from the door.

“Okay, but why did you turn against Cerberus in the first place? They created you.” Confusion clouded Kaidan’s judgement. He needed to know.

“It’s complicated.” Jon sighed.

“Try me,” Kaidan challenged.

“Okay, do you know how memory works?” Jon asked but didn’t wait for Kaidan to answer. “It’s nothing more than genetic memory. The Protheans knew that. They even developed technology to pass on their memories.”

“Like the beacon on Eden Prime,” Kaidan whispered.

“Like the beacon on Eden Prime.” Jon nodded and took another breath. “Cerberus believed that memory could be stored within DNA and could be restored. They gathered samples of Shepard’s tissue and blood from Cronos Station and created us from it.”

“So?”

“When the first generation of clones showed few signs of Shepard’s outstanding attributes, the scientists were forced to enhance the genetic material which made Shepard into the man he was.  They created us: Project Legion.” Jon paused for a second. “We were supposed to be more efficient and more advanced. But instead, I was born with Shepard’s skills _and_ his memories.”

“What?” Kaidan gasped. It didn’t make any sense. “That’s not possible. Human memory is an ability of the nervous system to store information. If you were created from his DNA, you should have nothing but his genome. You can’t possibly know what he did.”

“Not only know it. I remember it as if I was there,” Jon said, his expression unchanged.

“You’re lying!” Kaidan accused, breath shaking slightly. “No scientist could restore memory from tissues. That’s insane!”

“I knew he wouldn’t believe us.” Jared snorted from the door, a deep frown on his face.

“Kaidan,” Jon said calmly, ignoring his brother’s outburst. “It was said that it’s impossible to bring someone dead back to life.”

Jon had a point Kaidan couldn’t argue. He swallowed and acknowledged his defeat. “Let’s say you have Shepard’s memories; what do you know?”

“Everything. I know that he was born on Mindoir, was attacked by batarians, served in the Alliance, survived a Thresher Maw attack, hunted Saren, defeated the Collectors, killed Kai Leng and that he loved you.”

Kaidan was speechless for the moment. His throat was dry and his tongue heavy. He wanted to believe what Jon had just said but, on the other hand, he just couldn’t wrap his head around it. In denial, he shook his head.

“You have to believe me, Kaidan,” Jon replied calmly. “His memories are my memories. His feelings are my feelings. And his loyalty is my loyalty. In other words, I _am_ Jonathan Shepard. Only reborn in new shell.”

“I can’t!” Kaidan needed something to support his weight. He slowly walked backwards until his hands touched the wall. What Jon had just said could change the world. Not only was this technology fully functioning, but having Shepard back would change the balance of galactic power. “Your loyalty…”

“Is to the Alliance,” Jon finished for him. “That’s why we turned against Cerberus. I know what they did, every little dirty secret Shepard discovered. But I also knew that they would kill me once I showed signs of his memory. So I kept it silent and waited until I was trained and ready. When the time came, we took back this base.”

“Okay… And him?” Kaidan nudged his chin toward Jared. “Does he know?”

“Yeah, I know!” Jared grunted from the door, not looking at Kaidan but gazing at something outside. “Consider me the evil side of your lover.”

“No…” Kaidan shook his head, hands moving over the surface of the wall, hoping to find something he could hold on to. “You’re not Shepard.”

“I might not him, but I _am_ his reincarnation.”

“No!”

“He loved you very much, Kaidan.” Jon’s voice was soft. “And even though I know I wasn’t the one you held those feelings for and I wasn’t the one who loved you…”

“Stop!” Kaidan moaned, not wanting to hear what was coming. “Shut up!”

“Kaidan.” The clone’s expression matched his voice and Kaidan shivered. “I still love you.”


	4. Project Legion

**04: Project Legion**

The moment those words escaped his lips, Jon knew that he shouldn’t have said anything.

He had tried not to, but seeing Kaidan’s pained face in front of him had broken down the barrier he had built. He cursed himself for being so weak. But since when had he really been strong in this man’s presence?

He watched Kaidan gasp and remembered all the times the man had lain under him, sounding just the same. Though he knew that he hadn’t loved this man, he couldn’t deny that it felt real. He loved Kaidan Alenko, no matter what the others said. It didn’t matter if it was him who Kaidan had sworn to love or the man he was cloned from, the times he had spent with the second human Spectre were as vivid in his mind as it might have been in Shepard’s. It didn’t matter if he was a product of evil or just an innocent victim, he was still a human being.

“I’m sorry,” he said, stepping away from the man he had dreamed about ever since his creation. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”

Kaidan didn’t answer but winced. Jon could see that the Spectre was struggling within, searching for a logical explanation for the existence of his feelings. But when he saw that the Major was about to fail, he quickly provided an escape route.

“Kaidan,” he started, calculating his words carefully. “It’s not the time to discuss this. We still have Cerberus troops inside the facility and there are things we need to talk about.”

Kaidan nodded, blinking, trembling. Jon wondered how this man saw him. Did Kaidan see Shepard or did he just see a copy of a man? Was he overwhelmed by love or did he struggle because of hate? Shaking his head mentally and taking a deep breath, Jon dropped the subject he had thought about so many times.

“Come.” He gestured to Kaidan, who looked ashen. “Let’s talk somewhere else.”

This time, the Major composed himself and followed. When he walked past Jon, his stomach twitched, urging him to close Kaidan in his arms and kiss him until they both couldn’t breathe anymore. That was what Shepard had done so many times when they had met on the Normandy. Thinking about it, Jon still couldn’t believe that he hadn’t done any of those things.

Jared snorted at the door and Jon followed. He could see that his brother was hurting. Though Jared managed to hide it quite well, Jon still knew that his impulsive brother was having a hard time seeing Kaidan. He couldn’t remember how many times Jared had been vocal about the Major, nor could he count the times he had caught Jared satisfying himself over Kaidan’s image.

The Major looked older than Jon remembered. Even though he knew that four years had passed since Shepard last saw Kaidan, it still hurt Jon to see so many grey hairs at Kaidan’s temple and so many wrinkles around Kaidan’s eyes.

But there was something else about the man that concerned Jon.

Maybe it was a false image he kept seeing, but in his memories Kaidan’s eyes were warm and not cold. His voice had been gentle but not powerless. Maybe it was because Kaidan was cautious but, to Jon, the Major seemed distant. As if he wasn’t really here, wasn’t really seeing Jon; dwelling in a land that only existed in his mind.

“Where are we exactly?” When Kaidan asked, the smoothness of this voice caused a grunt from Jared.

“Deep inside the compound.” Jared snorted back. Jon had expected some unkindness, but he hadn’t thought that Jared would be this hostile. Maybe it was the way Jared dealt with the pain. Or maybe Jared’s anguish ran deeper than Jon had realized. “This is the most fortified place we could find. Here, we can hold out for months.”

“It seems like a good place to dig in,” Kaidan appraised, glancing around with his military‑trained eyes. “Armoury, med‑bay, security centre, Mess, quarters… You have everything you need. No wonder you could hold them off this long.”

“We are the best, after all!” Jared finished for him.

“What do you need me for, then?” Kaidan challenged.

“Your help.” Jon stepped in, focusing on the moment. “We might be able to fight them off, but we want to get out of here. That’s where you come in. You have a ship and are a Council Spectre; you can get us out.”

“Look.” Kaidan sighed and Jon nearly smiled. He couldn’t count how many times he had heard that or, more precisely, how often Shepard had heard that, but it had always sounded good. “Jon, Jared, I’m sorry for you two, but I need a good reason to take this risk.”

“You talk to us like we’re animals! Beasts.” Jared always was easily offended. “As if you don’t know me!”

“I don’t, actually!” Kaidan snapped back. “I might have known Shepard, but you’re not him. Not at all.”

“But…”

“You might have his memories, but that doesn’t make you Shepard!” Kaidan’s teeth were clenched and through the hiss, Jon heard deepest sorrow. He watched Kaidan cross his arms and didn’t miss the small tremble which went through the Major when he gazed at Jared. Kaidan took a deep breath and when he spoke again, his voice was powerless. “Jared, I recognize you as human being now, but you’re not him. You’re an individual…with his face.”

Jared swallowed and Jon stepped in before his brother could do any harm. “Jared, can you check on the progress of our armour for me? I think we might need it, in case we’re fighting our way out.”

“I…” Jared opened his mouth to argue but then nodded. “Don’t let him go anywhere!”

Jon watched carefully, saw how his brother gave Kaidan a last glare and didn’t miss the tiny twitch of his mouth. Kaidan, on the other hand, looked nothing less than bewildered. He frowned and Jon couldn’t help but admire the tender movement of his eyebrows. He had loved them. He still did. He remembered how he had traced them when they had lain at each other’s sides. His heart became heavy because he knew that it wasn’t him who had done that.

“Don’t mind him,” he said to regain Kaidan’s attention. “He’ll be fine.”

“What’s his problem?” Kaidan let out a sigh.

“It isn’t easy seeing you here,” Jon said. “Now, let’s get back to business. We don’t have much time.”

“If you want my help, I have to be sure that you’re no threat,” Kaidan said. “One Shepard saved the galaxy; I don’t want to imagine what two of you can do.”

“Seven,” Jon corrected and swallowed.

“Seven!” Kaidan gasped. “God! Seven!”

“We used to be ten.” Jon’s voice was heavy. He sat down on a nearby chair and when he closed his eyes he could see the faces and crooked grins of his three lost brothers. “If it wasn’t for you, we’d be only six. Thank you, by the way.”

“So it wasn’t Shepard I saved,” the Major whispered and Jon knew that his hope was dying right now. “Well, seven! I… God, what could seven do?”

Jon didn’t answer. There were so many things he had imagined doing but none of them were within his reach yet. He remembered that Kaidan had once promised him a house in Vancouver and that they wanted to get a dog. They had wanted to meet Kaidan’s family together and go swimming in the Citadel lakes. But those were promises to another man. Not him. Not yet.

“How about I tell you something about us first,” Jon suggested, ripping his mind away from all the beautiful things he had never seen but was determined to see one day. “Maybe that would convince you.”

“Go ahead.” The Major nodded and finally sat down on the chair next to him. Kaidan pulled out a protein bar from the pocket in his armour and started chewing. His eyes didn’t leave Jon’s.

“I wasn’t being completely truthful when I told you why we rebelled,” Jon started and watched Kaidan chew and wanted to kiss him. “It wasn’t just because of our loyalties.” He paused, wording his story in his mind. “When we were first created, we were like all the others. Project Legion turned us into what we are. I’ll spare you the technical details, but….”

“No, I want to hear those details.” Kaidan interrupted. “I might understand more than you think.”

“All right.” Jon nodded. He didn’t like remembering all the terrible experiments they went through, but how could he refuse Kaidan’s request? “It was a combination of Prothean and Reaper tech. Apparently, that artefact found on his moon uncovered a few secrets about how Protheans used memories to carry messages. I suppose that’s why Cerberus was interested in this base.”

“Possibly,” Kaidan agreed.

“However, my brothers and I were bred with enhanced genetic material. Don’t ask me how, because that’s beyond my knowledge. I only know that I started having visions shortly after I became conscious. They were blurry at first and I ignored it. But a few months later, Cerberus started with the Reaper tech. They used a different kind of Reaper Indoctrination technique to control us. In one of those sessions, I passed out. After that, every morning I woke up I could remember more.”

“Just like that?” Kaidan was still suspicious. “They exposed you to Reaper tech and you started remembering? What are you not telling me?”

“Why would I lie to you?” Jon countered, hurt by Kaidan’s distrust. “You can’t imagine the fear I was in. At the time, I believed that my only purpose was to help Cerberus take back Earth and that I was going insane. It took over month until I completely understood what I was experiencing at night. I really thought I was Shepard. Realizing that I’m not, that all my brothers had the same memories, was terrifying. You can’t imagine what a big, fat mind-fuck that was!”

“Okay, okay!” Kaidan held up his palms in defence. “Just calm down, Jon.”

“Sorry.” Jon sighed. “It’s just… It’s hard to deal with.”

“What happened then?”

“We organized. We knew of the danger and we tried to deceive them. But in the end, we failed.”

“How?” Kaidan asked.

“Don’t take it the wrong way.” Jon grinned, agonized. “I’m not trying to manipulate you. It’s the truth.”

“Just tell me.”

“One of us was overpowered by…his feelings and took a risk.” Jon didn’t want to mention the brother’s name. The pain was still too strong. “He hacked security and tried to gain extranet accesses. Instead of putting out an SOS, he searched for you.”

“That’s all?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow and Jon could see disbelief in his eyes. “Because of me?”

“We weren’t supposed to know that you even exist!” Jon pointed out. “Through his actions, Cerberus became suspicious. They pushed us into one psychological test after the other and a very special one blew our cover.”

“You’re not going into details,” Kaidan commented. Jon had no idea that he was listening so closely. But still, Kaidan’s attention pleased him in a way he hadn’t thought could be so delicious.

“They showed us footage of you while measuring our brainwaves,” Jon said with a faint smile. He didn’t know why, but it was a little embarrassing. “You can imagine why we all failed that test. It was…private footage.”

“Oh.” Kaidan lowered his head and finished his protein bar in silence. Jon didn’t want to make him sad, but knowing that Kaidan understood what he implied was a good sign. “I’m sorry, Jon.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” He cleared his throat and tried not to think about any possibilities he might have with his man. He needed to focus. To save his brothers. “However, since then we’ve been considered a failure and highly dangerous. Termination was what they called the process we were to go through. I call it slaughter.”

“What?” Kaidan’s didn’t even try to hide his shock. His eyes were wide and he paled. “They tried to kill you?”

“We had no choice but to revolt.” Jon nodded. “What they didn’t know was that we already had a plan. The struggle wasn’t any harder than we had thought, but the losses were higher than I expected.”

“So you acted in self-preservation? For survival?”

“Which doesn’t mean that we don’t hate Cerberus,” Jon reminded him. “I know what they did, what you and Shepard discovered. This organization shouldn’t exist any longer.”

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully. “Say I help you get out of here…”

“I’ll help you destroy Cerberus once for all.” Jon promised.

“But what would you do then? Once you’re free?”

“Free!” Jon chuckled without humour.

How could he tell Kaidan that freedom was a concept he didn’t understand. For as long as he could remember, not even Shepard had been free. Greatness had been his crime and responsibilities his prison. But for Unit Seven, freedom was something even more abstract than a future.

“If I should ever be free,” Jon said eventually with another humourless chuckle. “I want to have a house in Vancouver and get a dog.”

Kaidan closed his eyes in agony. His frown was beautiful and his long lashes were quickly filled with tears. Jon wanted to take him into his arms, comfort him by running his fingers through his dark hair. Kiss his forehead and tell him that it would be all right.

But that was a ritual only Shepard had shared with Kaidan. Though Unit Seven wanted to be the man he felt inside, he didn’t dare to touch the Major. If someone asked him what he was feeling right now, he would say that it was fear.

What if Kaidan rejected him? Would he be able to bear it?

“All right,” Kaidan’s whisper was barely audible. “I will bring you to the Citadel. The Council will decide your fate.”

“I am not a slave, Kaidan.” Jon’s tone didn’t change but inside him, anger swelled. Logic couldn’t help him right now. No matter how often he told himself that he wasn’t Shepard, he still felt as though he had died once in order to save the galaxy and still felt the pride that followed.

“If you really have Shepard’s memory, you would know that I will never let you be treated like that,” the Major said sincerely. “You deserve better, regardless of your origin.”

Jon resisted the urge to hug him and kiss him right there on the spot. Listening to Kaidan’s words, Jon swallowed his tears. This man was his dream and this man was all he desired. Not only his elegant appearance and the grace in his movements, but his heart. When he opened his mouth to speak his gratitude, Kaidan cut him off.

“But, Shep… Jon.” He sighed. “Shepard was an Alliance Officer and a Council Spectre and you’re cloned from his tissue. It _is_ a Council concern.”

“I understand.” Jon nodded and sighed. “I just wish things were different.”

“Yeah, me too.”

For a moment, they remained silent. Though Jon was aware that they had very little time to waste, he didn’t dare to interrupt Kaidan’s thoughts. He wondered what the Major was thinking. Was he mourning what they had lost, too? Was he cursing the galaxy for its injustice as Jon was doing? Or was he reliving their time together?

Eventually, Jon cleared his throat. “We need to find a way to get out of here.”

“Any suggestions?” Kaidan looked at him as if he was seeing Jon for the first time. The expression in his eyes translated into words in Jon’s mind. First, there was surprise, then longing, but when his eyes met the loathsome tattoo on his face, it turned into anguish strong enough to darken the room.

“You have a ship. The _Perseverance_.” Jon forced himself to stay calm. “There is a supply tunnel in the back of the facility. Your ship can land there.”

“And my students? I trust you’re keeping track of them?”

“They’re alive,” Jon said and checked their progress on his omni‑tool. As he had expected, Jet had send him a progress update. “Sergeant Scott and Corporal Herman are still in the hanger. They can take the shuttle out. Lieutenant Varov and Corporal Johnson are not far from the same exit. It’s better if they meet us there.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Kaidan nodded. “But before we go, I want to see all of you.”

“Do you really want to deal with that right now?” Jon asked, truly concerned. If seeing Kaidan was so hard on his mind, how strong would the pain be for Kaidan to see so many of them?

“I’d prefer to burst into tears here rather than on my ship.” Kaidan chuckled dryly. “Bring them on!”

Jon didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say. Could he bear seeing Kaidan in tears? Wouldn’t that be too much for his brothers? Would they cry?

Though they had imagined their reunion a thousand times together, none of them could really predict the future. June had always dreamed about a reunion which could fit into a romance show. Jared hadn’t minced his words; he’d lusted over Kaidan. As for Jon, he had dreamed about so many different scenarios.

But he wasn’t able to deny his brothers the pleasure of seeing Kaidan any longer: Jon put two fingers into his month and whistled loudly. Jared was the first one to appear. He had one of their special helmets in his hand and was already dressed in their new armour based on the N7 design.

Looking at his Soldier brother, Jon smiled and wondered if he would look so good in the new armour. But the trembling gasp from Kaidan beside him told him to hold his tongue.

It didn’t take long for all of his brothers to gather around them, all of them dressed in their matching armour. If there was one good thing to say about Cerberus, then it would be that they spared no expense when it came to ships and armour.

Kaidan gasped again when they were all lined up, so to speak. Every one of them looked at the Major with their eyes glistening and each one of them was holding their breath. When Kaidan opened his mouth, Jon could almost hear his brothers’ mental cries.

“Hi.” Kaidan’s voice was small and Jon could imagine that it took him all of his restraint not to freak out.

“Hi!” June was the first one to talk. “I’m June. Thank you for saving me.”

Kaidan bit his lower lip and only nodded. His attempts to blink his tears away were in vain, but he still tried. “Glad to… meet you all…” His voice was broken.

“Kaidan.” Jon stepped in. For some reason he was the only one who wasn’t crying, though Jared did a good job of hiding his tears. “Let me introduce them. This is Unit Two, Jared. He’s trained in the Soldier class. This is Unit Three, Jude, also a Soldier. And you already know June, Unit Five and like you, a Sentinel. Then Jamie, Unit Six and Adept. Unit Eight, Jimmy, also an Adept. And this is Jet, he’s an Engineer, Unit Nine. I’m Unit Seven and I’m a Vanguard.”

“Nice to meet you all.” Kaidan wiped the tears from his face and gave them all a small smile. “But I might need some time to remember all your names.”

“Or you could just call us _Shepard_ ,” Jet called and a low laughter went through the clones. “Or _Commander_. We don’t mind that.”

“Just don’t say John,” Jude added, chuckling. “You know, because we have a Jon of our own.”

“You can be sure, I won’t.” Kaidan nodded, agonised. “If you don’t mind reminding me, I’d like to learn your names.”

Though Jon still reacted to the name _Shepard_ , he knew that Kaidan wanted to avoid that. That name had meant something to the Major that none of the clones could comprehend. Jon flushed, embarrassed by the shameless behaviour of his brothers. He understood that they were trying to loosen the Major up, but that only put Kaidan in a very awkward situation.

He cleared his throat and addressed his brothers. “Come on, men, you can crack as many jokes as you want once we’re out of here. Kaidan, do we pass your inspection?”

“Grab your gear.” The Major nodded and Jon shivered at the line he knew too well. “It’s a long trip to the Citadel.”

 


	5. June

**05\. June**

The whole time Kaidan walked next to the clones, he hadn’t been able to say what he was feeling. His emotions changed from second to second depending on who he looked at. They were all so much like Shepard, but all so different.

But the differences disappeared if he didn’t force himself to concentrate. When they were only shapes in the corner of his eyes, all he saw was his lost lover. When they were looking at him, all he could think about was the blue of their eyes. When they talked, he was mesmerized by the movements of their lips.

Within their gravity, Kaidan finally felt like himself again. When Jon spoke to him, Kaidan could drop the mask of composure and let the clone see his fears. When he talked to Jared, he could let himself be angry at Shepard’s absence, angry at being left alone. But when he exchanged words with June, Kaidan had been overwhelmed by grief because he couldn’t describe how much he had wanted to love that man again.

When he really looked at the clones, really saw them, he hated the galaxy; because they weren’t Shepard.

Torn between his duties and his desires, Kaidan turned in his bed. Sleep and rest were far, far away. Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was June’s blood‑smeared face. He remembered the affection in those blue eyes and pain rushed back to his heart. But when he had tried to distract himself with work, with the consequences his actions might have, he shivered with fear.

He had never been so unsure in his life.

Never in his life had Kaidan held the fates of so many in his hands. He couldn’t imagine what might have happened to the clones if he had left them on that moon. But he couldn’t imagine what the Council was going to say when he presented those seven vivid men.

Would they block him like they had blocked Shepard? Would they finally accept that Cerberus was back? He had no answers and no matter how long he mulled over it, his mind was still blank.

Frustrated, Kaidan rolled over and gave up trying to sleep. His cabin was small; much smaller than Shepard’s aboard the _Normandy_. He only had a personal drawer and a desk with his terminal on it. Sometimes, Kaidan caught himself wishing that this ship had been built by Cerberus.

He slipped into his fatigues and stretched his old limbs. Four years of constant missions had demanded its tribute and, every night, Kaidan felt it adding up. He had never thought about how long he wanted to keep this up, draining every bit of energy out of his body, but tonight, for the first time since the Reapers were defeated, Kaidan thought about his future.

But his future came with only one man. Deeply in thought, Kaidan found himself walking through his ship like a ghost. _Perseverance_ was quiet. She worked flawlessly and Kaidan had no doubt that the Reaper‑machine was more than a simple vessel. Sometimes, he swore he could sense the ship watching him.

Shaking his head, Kaidan sighed again. He hadn’t noticed that he had already reached his favourite place on his ship. Though it was smaller than the _Normandy_ _SR-2_ , Kaidan still enjoyed the view from the Starboard Observation. He enjoyed the sight of the empty void and sometimes he could lose himself between the stars.

But tonight, a silhouette filled the frame like a dream. The clear line of Shepard’s body was so beautiful against the darkness, Kaidan forgot to breathe. His felt his heart jump when Shepard’s face met his eyes. When the man smiled at him, Kaidan couldn’t hold back a trembling gasp.

“Can’t sleep, either?” Kaidan choked on the words, walking slowly towards the man at the viewport. He didn’t dare rush, afraid that he might ruin the fragility of this perfect moment. When he finally stopped at the man who resembled his lover so much, Kaidan had to swallow his tears.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen stars,” June said, voice smooth. He sounded slightly gentler than his brother, almost like Shepard had when Kaidan was alone with him. “I remember stars, but seeing them for myself… They are so calm.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said with low voice.

“I’m not,” June said. “You gave me a chance to do things right.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can finish what Shepard couldn’t.” When June faced Kaidan, his eyes were haunted by something dark. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but I can’t lie to you. Jon told me that you asked him during the interrogation what we would do once we were free. The truth is, we don’t know.”

“You must have thought about the future.” Kaidan lowered his head, bracing himself for something ugly. With Cerberus as their creator, it could be just about anything.

“We did.” June forced a smile. “Mostly we thought about how we want to destroy Cerberus.”

“That’s a good goal. Jon said that there are scientists kept against their will. You’ll be doing the galaxy a favour.”

“If it’s only that simple.” June lowered his head. When he spoke again, he sounded desperate and ashamed. “After our… After Shepard’s rebellion, do you really think that Cerberus would make the same mistake again? They created us with a control‑chip, ensuring our loyalty.”

“What?” Kaidan gasped, feeling the seriousness of this confession. “A control chip?”

June nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kaidan snapped. “I’ve endangered my whole crew with you aboard!”

“Don’t worry.” June sounded nothing less than horrified. “We’re no danger to your crew. Our chips don’t work very well. Otherwise we couldn’t have turned against Cerberus.”

What June said made sense, but this information was still alarming. He suddenly had to think of the thousands of clones sleeping at the base they had just left behind and the idea of a mindless raging army of Shepard‑clones was nearly as horrifying as the Reapers.

“But the clones in the facility?” He couldn’t stop his own voice from trembling. “Do they have this chip?”

June nodded again. “But they’re not active yet.”

“Tell me what you know.”

“So you’re gonna interrogate me, now?” June looked hurt and Kaidan’s heart jumped.

“No,” Kaidan said. After all the clones had gone through, Kaidan didn’t want to add to their pain. “Just answer my questions.”

“You won’t throw me out of the airlock afterwards, will you?”

“Of course not!”

“Okay.” June nodded again. “Jet hacked the Cerberus network after the scientists fled. There is another facility called Valhalla Station. We assume they went there. The numbers suggest that Valhalla is another cloning facility and the controls for our chips are there.”

“Do you know its location?”

“Not yet, but we’ll find out.” In that moment, June sounded very much like the old Commander. Full of confidence and full of hope. “That’s another reason why we wanted to get out. With the chip in our brain, we’ll never be free. Can’t you understand that?”

“I overreacted, sorry,” Kaidan said breathlessly. “That’s at least something I can present to the Council.” In his mind he was already wording his request. With a little support from the human Councillor, he might get the fleet he needed to raid Valhalla Station.

Eventually, he sighed again. “How do you cope? Knowing that your memories belong to someone else?”

“Do they?” June didn’t turn to look at him and continued to gaze upon the stars outside. “How can you be sure that I’m not him?”

“I can’t.” His voice had no strength. Kaidan had wished that no one would ask that question; that no one would point out the possibility. But now, looking at June, Kaidan couldn’t imagine that this man wasn’t Shepard. He even had to admit to himself that he still loved this man. Or that he had fallen in love with them. “You’re so real…” He closed his eyes to prevent his tears from spilling. “I… It’s so hard seeing you here.”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” June’s hand was warm and heavy on Kaidan’s shoulder. Kaidan shivered and glanced back at the other Sentinel.

He shouldn’t have done it. June’s face was a curse and his lips were temptation. His body, now in Alliance fatigues, was a haven Kaidan sought. But the small black number on his face was a barrier which kept two lovers apart, reminding them that they would never be reunited again.

“When I found you…” Kaidan’s voice was shaking now. He wanted to stop himself from talking, but the words just poured out of him. After all, it was so easy to be honest when he was in Shepard’s presence. “When I found you, I thought you were him. You looked at me and I knew that you still loved me… But…” He shook his head, clueless as to what he really wanted to say. “But…”

“But you know I’m not him.” June’s tone was steady, but it was his eyes that told Kaidan of the agony he was suffering. “I can’t blame you, Kaidan, no matter how much I want to. We are both only victims of a crime.”

“I’m sorry, June,” Kaidan whispered, ashamed that he didn’t pay more attention before he addressed the man with such a delicate subject. “I was wrong to judge you.”

“It’s okay,” June said with a slight raise of his chin. “I don’t blame you.”

“But how are you dealing with this? All this?”

“I don’t know.” June gave him a sad smile. “We are all different, you know? Some of us remember you more than the others. Jude, for example has fewer memories than us. He remembers some major events, like taking down Saren. But his feelings for you are in a controllable state.”

“What’s about Jared?” Kaidan wondered. He had noticed the hostility in Jared’s behaviour and saw the true anger in the clone’s eyes. “He is very…”

“In love with you,” June cut him off.

“In love?”

“He shows it differently.” June lowered his head. “He’s hurting. Maybe more than any of us. But he’s also angry.”

“What reason have I given him?”

“Not at you. At himself, at everything,” June explained. “You can’t imagine how painful it is to know that you’re not the one. That no matter what you do, your love won’t be returned. That his heart belongs to another, to someone you can be but also cannot be. That you’re just a slave to your feelings and that there is no escape from this prison.”

When June had finished, a single tear rolled down his cheek. Kaidan watched him blink and gazed into those glistening blue eyes. The fingers that wiped June’s tear away were his. And the voice that spoke came from his throat.

“What’s about you? How do you feel?”

“I love you,” June sobbed but the sad smile didn’t vanish. “Kaidan, I still love you.”

“You have no idea how much I wanted to hear that.” The Major lost the battle against himself and his better judgement. The next thing he knew, June’s body was in his arms.

When June’s lips met his, Kaidan forgot everything. To him, there were no clones anymore. No June, no Jared, no Jon. Only Shepard.

And Shepard was the man he loved. His lips were soft but his arms strong. His chest was trembling and Kaidan wanted to protect him. To embrace him forever. Their breaths were uneven and their movements fast.

Kaidan didn’t remember how they got out of their clothes, but he didn’t care. He kissed Shepard’s neck and moaned at the taste he had missed so much. He opened his mouth to breathe but soon it was filled by Shepard’s tongue.

His lover felt so good, so real. The moment he closed his eyes, he couldn’t remember what June’s tattoo looked like. He traced his tongue down to Shepard’s chest, circled his nipples and sucked. The moan he received was a sound he barely remembered but had never truly forgotten.

“Shepard,” he whispered while he enjoyed the kisses on his skin. “What was your name again?”

“It’s June,” his lover replied and Kaidan opened his eyes. The tattoo was the first thing he saw but this time it didn’t hurt him. June was right, how could he be sure that he was not Shepard? He couldn’t.

“June,” he whispered under his breath. “June.” He said it again to be sure that he was okay with the name. But the more he repeated the clone’s name, the more he liked it. He felt his own arousal pressing against June’s body and couldn’t wait to enter him, to be close to him, to love him.

“Sleep with me,” Kaidan whispered.

The clone moaned, throwing his head back to the glass. When Kaidan started to suck on his neck, June shivered. His hand closed around Kaidan’s body and he pressed his hips against Kaidan. Feeling June’s arousal against him, Kaidan gasped.

He had missed this so much. He would be lying if he said that he hadn’t had sex for four years. But if asked, Kaidan couldn’t say with whom or how it was. Today was different. June was a partner he would always remember. A man he would always love.

When he knelt down before the clone, Kaidan wasn’t sure that it was his love for Shepard which drove him down this road. Maybe, at first, it was Shepard, but it was definitely June who he wanted to join with.

He opened his mouth and his tongue traced along June’s length. His hardness was thrilling and his taste welcoming.  Kaidan closed his eyes and sucked. His lips closed around the hot skin which made him want to cry out and his tongue pressed and massaged the flesh he wanted so much. He bumped his head back and forth and with every movement, he was sinking deeper into the pit of lust.

He felt June’s hand in his hair and the tips of his fingers sent surges down Kaidan’s spine. He had always liked it when Shepard did that, but June was doing it better. It didn’t seem calculated, but natural. His other hand found Kaidan’s chin and the Major felt how he was being guided back to June’s mouth.

He kissed the clone again and, this time, he put all his passion into it. He lifted the clone from the floor and pressed him against the window. Their erections met between their bellies and Kaidan pressed his body closer. June moaned and his fingers dug into Kaidan’s back. June threw his head back again and pressed his eyes shut, breathing hard.

Kaidan knew that expression. He slowly parted away. June’s arms shot forward and caught his neck. The expression in the clone’s half‑closed eyes was a mix of disbelief and longing. Kaidan smiled but didn’t give into his pull. He merely leaned in a little to give June a reassuring smile.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Kaidan’s words were muffled by June’s lips. He gently lay the man down on the floor and didn’t miss the tremble which went through the clone.

He didn’t know if it was the cold or the gesture, but June suddenly stared at him, shocked. Then, he licked his own lips and one of his hands grabbed Kaidan’s neck again. The Major was being pulled into a kiss more passionate than any he had ever received. June’s lips were pressed so close against his that Kaidan almost felt teeth. The clone opened his mouth and Kaidan entered.

“Now,” June breathed out and Kaidan didn’t hesitate to obey.

He spat in his palm and massaged it onto his hard arousal. He spat some more and stroke it around June’s entrance. He slipped in a finger while he gazed into the clone’s eyes and listened to his moans and gasps. His stomach twisted at the sound, but in a good way. Kaidan took a deep breath and he closed his eyes and entered his lover.

The feeling was overwhelming. He felt the warmth of June’s skin, the tightness of his body and the pain June’s fingernails left on his back. The harder June scratched, the more Kaidan felt encouraged. He wanted to hear June moan, to see him whimper and to feel him tremble.

But above all, he wanted to show June his love. Love he couldn’t express with words.

He pressed his hands to June’s chest and watched his erection disappear into June’s body again and again. He listened to the slap of flesh against flesh, watched the bouncing of June’s cock and gasped when he felt the lust crawling up his body. With every thrust, he became more forceful. With every clash, he thirsted for more. June’s body became his only meaning and June’s eyes his only light. He wrapped his arms around the other man’s waist and with a smooth motion he lifted the clone from the floor.

Kaidan swayed June onto his cock and charmed a high pinched moan from the clone. He grinned and pressed the man against the glass with all his force and grunted when he felt his whole erection inside of his lover’s body. June was trembling beyond control.

He scratched over Kaidan’s back, desperately searching for a hold, but Kaidan interrupted his attempts with more thrusts. He enjoyed this with every breath. He enjoyed June with every move. And within all his joy, he felt alive again.

As he lost himself inside June again and again, he forgot about the others, the Council, even his grief. Embraced by lust and love, Kaidan was free. He buried his lips against June’s neck and, with a last grunt, he trembled and spread his load inside his new lover.

His legs were shaky and couldn’t support him any longer. His arms were tired and couldn’t carry June’s weight. He withdrew from June with a last moan and then placed the clone of the floor carefully. His lips were soon on June’s chest again. They wandered to his flat belly and down to his still hard arousal.

When he closed his mouth around it again, he knew what he wanted to taste next. He sucked with force, with the same enthusiasm and devotion he had loved June with before. His tongue was guided by his desires and his desires were driven by his lust.

June shivered under him and when his fingers ran through Kaidan’s hair, he grabbed it, pulling Kaidan’s head up and down. The clone couldn’t hold on any longer and with an erotic moan, Kaidan tasted what he had wanted for so long.

June’s load was hot and salty. It ran down his throat as if it belonged there. Kaidan swallowed and licked June clean, smiling inwardly. It had been so long since Shepard had filled him. Though the Commander had never let Kaidan enter him, the union with June still felt natural.

“That…” June whispered when Kaidan leaned in to kiss him again. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan nodded, resting on top of June. “I didn’t think it’d be that good.”

“Was it like that with Shepard?” June asked, slightly unsure.

Kaidan watched him and, for a moment, he couldn’t say if it was Shepard who had made him feel so good or the man he had just fucked. He smiled, leaning in for a kiss.

“No,” he whispered and his lips met June’s. What he planned to say was forgotten the moment he found himself in that embrace. He wrapped his arms around June again and didn’t want to let go. In his head, he could see himself with this man at the twilight of his life. He could see June sharing a house with him. The house he had promised Shepard.

It wasn’t betrayal. It wasn’t lost fidelity. It was his future.

“June,” Kaidan whispered after a while as they rested in each other’s arms and gazed out of the viewport. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“You made me feel alive again.” Kaidan kissed June’s forehead and smiled. “I spent the last four years believing that Shepard was what I missed, but it isn’t him.”

“You’re not going to say that you’ve been waiting for me, are you?”

“No.” Kaidan shook his head, grinning. Maybe he did miss Shepard, his crooked grin, his sometimes naïve manner and propensity to destroy romance. But it wasn’t completely Shepard. “It’s love and caring. It’s a future.”

“If you can love me, Kaidan,” June whispered against his shoulder, sounding just like Shepard. “I will never leave you, I promise.”

“I’m holding you to that!”

Rubbing his cheek against June’s short hair, Kaidan sighed out of relief. He had just discovered one of the greatest threats to the galaxy, but he had also found a treasure within. A treasure that belonged only to him.

When the Citadel slowly came into view, Kaidan felt hope. For the first time in four years, he wasn’t overcome by fear and grief as he watched the place where he had fallen in love with Shepard approach.

Now, Kaidan Alenko had to future to fight for again.


	6. The balance of power

**Day Two**

**06\. The balance of power**

“You can’t be serious!” the second human Spectre snapped.

Kaidan had never lost his temper in the Council tower before, but now his anger was visible to all eyes. Though he still had enough self-restraint to keep his body from glowing blue, Kaidan knew he was close to losing it.

“Major, you have to understand…” the asari Councillor started.

“That you want to murder seven innocent humans!” Kaidan spat.

He really hadn’t seen this coming. Though he knew that the Citadel Council was easily scared, he sure didn’t expect them to be so cruel. When they had docked a few hours ago, Kaidan had given his approval for the clones to be taken into custody. Not in his darkest nightmares had he thought that it would be their cell of condemnation.

Since then, Kaidan had done all he could to convince the Council. He had put together all the intel he had gathered and all relevant footage. But the arguments had vaporized even before they reached the Councillors’ ears and every one of his attempts had been in vain.

“Major, we have been very clear,” Councillor Tevos explained, talking to Kaidan like he was a small child. “This Shepard‑army is a threat to our peace. As for these Seven, they might be their vanguard!”

“Not to say, only clones.” The salarian’s sneering voice nearly triggered Kaidan’s biotics.

“And sentient beings!” Kaidan felt his anger rise with every word they said. Until now, he hadn’t understood how Shepard could insult the Council so heavily when they were alone. Now, he had even worse descriptions for these cowardly politicians.

“That remains to be seen,” Councillor Valern said. “Though I admit that these seven examples you’ve brought with you are highly interesting, our thirst for knowledge shouldn’t cloud our judgement.”

“With all due respect, Councillor.” Kaidan forced his voice to stay calm. “It’s your fear that is clouding your judgement.”

A small murmur went through the hall.

“I understand your concern, that’s why I am here to ask for your help,” Kaidan started again, hoping that he could change the Council’s mind. “Cerberus is a threat we can’t ignore. With your help…”

Councillor Sparatus raised one hand and silenced Kaidan. “Cerberus will be dealt with. We recognize your concern, Major, but these Seven are too dangerous to be left functioning. If their control mechanism is enabled, imagine the damage they could do.”

“Councillor.” Kaidan hinted a nod but didn’t wait for any response. “I’m aware of the risk, but simply killing them off won’t solve the problem. It’s only unnecessary violence.”

“I, for one, agree with Major Alenko,” the human Councillor, Tralor, finally spoke. Kaidan nearly sighed out of relief that at least one Councillor was on his side. “Killing them would be a waste of potential. Instead, disabling their control mechanism would be the key.”

“As long as they remain on the Citadel,” the asari spoke again. “They _are_ a threat. We are aware that termination is a harsh countermeasure, but we have the safety of the Citadel to consider. What if they are Cerberus spies? You could have been fooled, Major.”

Kaidan took a deep breath. When Tevos said the word _termination_ , Kaidan almost spat _slaughter_. He gazed into the asari’s face with anger and waited three seconds before he answered.

“I do not deny the possibility, but…”

“So you admit that they are not to be trusted,” Councillor Valern interrupted him. “Have you examined them?”

“I wouldn’t say _examine_ , Councillor.” Kaidan lowered his head and took time to exhale deeply. It really had been a long time since he had been this angry. And considering he had not slept since his little nap at the rouge base wasn’t helping him either. “Since they are not objects. They are humans. I have talked to them; they seem trustworthy.”

“And that is your professional opinion?” The turian Councillor said with a certain tone Kaidan didn’t like. “Your previous… involvement with Commander Shepard might be influencing your judgement.”

“Would you like to be more specific, Councillor?” Kaidan hissed through clenched teeth. Though his affection towards the dead hero wasn’t a secret; their relationship was.

On second thought, Kaidan couldn’t deny the accusation. Didn’t he come here to fight for June’s future? To fight for their shared future? Was he hiding his selfish motives behind words of honour and morals? Had he spoken of the value of life just to achieve his personal goals?

“Councillor.” Kaidan took a deep breath, as he had countless times. “I’m asking you to rethink this matter. Killing seven people won’t look good.”

“Let this be our concern, Major Alenko.” Though Tevos’ voice was steady, her words were poisonous. Kaidan had always indulged the politicians for various reasons, but now he finally understood what Ashley and Shepard hated about them. “The Council will discuss this in private. You’re dismissed, Major.”

“Madam Councillor,” Kaidan urged, taking one step forward.

“Major, this is our last word.”

“Alenko.” The human Councillor raised his voice when the three aliens walked ahead of him. “Wait in my office, we have much to discuss.”

Kaidan sighed and accepted his defeat. But only for this battle. The war wasn’t lost yet. With that hope and determination in mind, Kaidan walked down the familiar road to Tralor’s office. When he stood on the office’s balcony, Kaidan’s thoughts drifted back to its previous occupant.

Then, as soon as he allowed himself a moment to breathe, his thoughts were with June again. He couldn’t stop thinking about that clone. He imagined how sad June would look and how disappointed he would be when Kaidan told him that the future they had dreamed of was still out of reach. What would the clones do if Kaidan told them that they had been rescued only to be slaughtered in another place? Would they revolt as they had done in the Cerberus facility? How far would they go to save themselves? Or would they accept their fate and die for a greater good?

No matter how many scenarios Kaidan ran in his head, he couldn’t accept it himself. Regardless of whether he had personal goals behind this or if his judgement was clouded, he couldn’t deny that these clones were human, sentient and very much alive.

Should they be considered lesser beings just because they had been created artificially? Should they be punished for a crime they didn’t commit? Should they die simply because of the fears of a few scared politicians? How could Kaidan pretend to be the last bastion of civilization and still tolerate such atrocities?

His thoughts about a possible future and the value of life were interrupted by the entrance of the human Councillor. Though this man wasn’t as revolting as Udina, Kaidan still lacked any sympathy for him. He nodded and followed the man to his desk.

“So Councillor,” Kaidan challenged. “What was that all about?”

“Major.” Councillor Tralor sat down and frowned. “You must understand the seriousness of our position. I am hurt that you decided to bring them to the Council before consulting me.”

“With all due respect, Sir,” Kaidan said, leaning against Tralor’s desk. “This is not only a human concern.”

“But these men are human, aren’t they?”

“Still, their impact on the galaxy would be more than humanity alone could deal with.” Kaidan frowned. “What is the Council’s decision?”

“As a Spectre, I believe you understand the Councillors’ motives?” Tralor was avoiding the question.

“Sparatus is afraid that such a human fleet might unbalance the galaxy. They are still in awe of what Shepard did, thus they fear this army.” Kaidan analysed and watched the Councillor closely. “I can imagine that Sparatus doesn’t want a strong human fleet, regardless of its origin. As for Valern, he doesn’t consider these men human beings. For him, the secret of perfect genetic recreation is their single value. He might be afraid of a human army too.”

“Not bad, Major.” Councillor Tralor smirked. “You should have become a politician.”

“Thank, but no thanks,” Kaidan replied dryly. “I’ll stick to shooting. As I was saying, Councillor Tevos’ motives are unclear to me. She might be scared of Cerberus, afraid that these seven men might attempt another coup.”

“Ah, the Cerberus coup.” Councillor Tralor nodded with exaggeration. “If I am correct, Shepard helped you stop them, right?”

“Actually, I helped Shepard stop them,” Kaidan corrected and nearly shivered when he remembered the life threatening moment when Shepard had pointed his gun at him.

“Details.” Tralor waved off. “No need to be modest, Major. A man like you surely can understand the Council. There is no reason to take this personally.”

“Councillor,” Kaidan warned, lowering his head. “Please just tell me the decision.”

“You must understand that I have put in my vote to keep them alive,” Tralor explained with acted compassion and Kaidan tensed. “This army is human, and, if you had consulted me first, an Alliance fleet would be on its way.”

“Is this decision final?” Kaidan tried to remain calm. Though Councillor Tralor didn’t say it, his implication was clear. “They are going to kill them?”

“It is not too late, Major.” Tralor leaned back in his seat. For a moment, Kaidan saw a flare in his dark eyes. “I’m aware that we don’t have Valhalla Station’s coordinates, but it is not too late. This army could still be ours. We just have to make sure that we find them first.”

“This army is an abomination!” Kaidan snapped.

“But Major, you were just defending it!” Tralor raised his eyebrows in shock, though Kaidan knew that it was done without any honesty. “You said it yourself that they were human.”

“I was speaking of the Seven! Not the army still controlled by Cerberus!”

“What’s the difference?” Tralor asked, smirking again. “If we can gain control of them, it would be an army controlled by the Alliance. Human Alliance. Imagine how strong humanity would be! The aliens wouldn’t dare to oppose us ever again!”

“You did not just say that!” Kaidan hissed. “These men deserve a life! If they can’t think for themselves, it would be nothing better than slavery! Is that how you want the aliens to see us? As slavers?”

“Now you are exaggerating, Major.” Tralor’s voice turned sweet. Kaidan had the impression that the angrier the Councillor got the sweeter his voice became. “Cerberus has done us a favour. They created this army for us to use! It would be a waste!”

“I can’t believe it!” Then, a thought crossed Kaidan’s mind. “Do you know the location of Valhalla Station, Tralor?”

“Watch your tone, Major!”

“Do you know it?” Kaidan snapped again.

“Probably.” He stared into Kaidan’s eyes and Kaidan stared back. If he could hold a stare‑off with Commander Shepard, he certainly wouldn’t buckle under this mere human.

“What if I told you the coordinates? Would you go and obtain this army for us?” Councillor Tralor smiled with a sweetness which made Kaidan sick. “Imagine! You could lead an army of Shepards. Why bother with these Seven? Thousands would be in your debt; nobody would mind if you take one. Two, if you want. As many as you like! Would you do this for humanity, Major?”

“How dare you even make such an offer?” Kaidan growled, punching his fists on Tralor’s desk. “I swore to protect galactic peace, not threaten it with a mindless army!”

“You have also sworn to defend humanity!”

“Humanity isn’t in danger!” Kaidan fists blistered with blue energy. Though he wasn’t carrying any weapon, he still made an impressive figure. “Councillor, I will ask you one last time: Do you have anything to do with Cerberus?”

“Just because I uphold humanity’s best interest doesn’t mean I am Cerberus.” Tralor’s voice lost some of its sweetness. When he spoke, Kaidan could hear fear there. “But that’s not what I can say about you, Major. I am disappointed that the only human Spectre has chosen to follow a path of selfishness. Tell me, Alenko, have joined with those clones?”

This time, Kaidan couldn’t hold back. Before he knew it, the blast of his biotic energy had already crossed the desk and the human Councillor crashed against the window behind him. In that instant, Kaidan froze. The image of a dead turian filled his mind and that was all he could think about. He prayed that he hadn’t just murdered the human representative.

But when Tralor crawled back to his feet, face red with anger, Kaidan jumped over the desk to grab him by the collar. “ _Where is_ Valhalla Station?” he snarled.

“You have just ended your career, Major!” Councillor Tralor hissed. “Now get out of my office before I call C-Sec!”

“ _Tell me!_ ” Kaidan bellowed and his forehead met the Councillor’s.

Tralor yelped in pain but Kaidan didn’t slacken his grip. When the Councillor looked at him again, Kaidan knew that this man wasn’t clean.

“You will never find it!” Tralor didn’t give in; Kaidan had to give him that. “This army is mine. _Mine_!”

“I shot the last human Councillor.” Kaidan growled at the politician, anger filling every one of his words. “And when I find out you’re working with Cerberus, by god I swear, _I will put a bullet between your eyes!_ ”

He released his hold on Tralor’s collar and left the Councillor lying on the floor. For a moment, he wanted to spit on the man, but resisted his urge. With anger boiling hot under his skin and eyes still glowing blue, Kaidan left the human Councillor’s office, not knowing if he would ever come back.


	7. Sacrifice

**07\. Sacrifice**

“This is the end, isn’t it?” June’s voice was trembling.

He couldn’t see his brothers nor could he feel them. He didn’t know if they were standing next to him or if they were somewhere else. He couldn’t move and his biotics were off‑line.

All in all, this was the worst situation June had been in, not counting what Shepard had experienced.

When he was taken into custody, June had been hopeful that Kaidan would soon convince the Council to grant them a normal life. When Kaidan’s fingers left his, June had smiled. They had cracked jokes in the cell about what they wanted to do first when Kaidan came back with the good news. Jude wanted to go eat ramen, and Jamie and Jet said they wanted to go for a swim. Jared wanted to show off his moves on the Purgatory dance‑floor and get hammered with Jimmy. Jon wanted to see the new Blasto movie.  All June wanted was a quiet walk with Kaidan and maybe to get some steak sandwiches.

But all hope shattered when a platoon of heavily armed C‑Sec officers had shown up to escort them to their next destination. First, June hadn’t thought anything of it but when the Captain pulled out the biotic‑restrains, June’s alarms rang.

Still, in order to show some good faith, none of them protested. Now, June knew that it was a big, big mistake. From there, it hadn’t been difficult for the platoon to shackle them to a pole and blindfold them. Though Jared had shown some of them the seriousness of his kick‑technique, their rebellion had still been ineffective.

“Hey, anybody there?” June asked again. If he was about to die, he wanted to die with his brothers.

“I’m here!” Jared answered first. June and Jared had always been close. It was at least a little comforting to know that Jared, his favourite brother, was at his side. “Don’t be afraid, I’m with you.”

“I don’t want to die, Jared,” June whispered. “Jimmy, you’re there somewhere?”

“Stop talking to me!” His brother Jimmy hissed back. “I’m still angry at you!”

“We’re about to be executed and all you can think about is being angry at June because of a joke?” Jared snapped from his left.

“Might by my last chance!” Jimmy snapped back from June’s right.

“Oh, come on!” The sentinel moaned. “Okay, Jimmy, I accept!”

“What?” Jared sounded bewildered. “You’re talking about Kaidan again, aren’t you? I thought it was just a joke!

“No, I’m serious,” Jimmy replied. Though his words weren’t kind, June knew that he was only trying to ease the tension surrounding their probable death. “I meant it when I said we should share him. It’s not fair if only June gets to be with him. A week has seven days for a reason!”

“Okay.” Jared chuckled. “How do we handle this? Draw lots? Pass down by our numbers? Damn, he’d be sore when he reached Jet!”

The three of them chuckled but quickly felt silent again. Waiting for death wasn’t funny and June was aware of it. Though he wished this was just a bad joke. A way for the Council to teach them who was in charge.

Something inside him urged him to make peace with his life.

But what was there to think about? Shepard had sacrificed himself for the galaxy and it wasn’t up to June to say a few last words about that man’s life. And his own? He had only experienced a little. His only regret would be in knowing that he couldn’t die in Kaidan’s arms.

He had become one with that man and it had been perfect. When he had watched the Citadel coming into view, he had felt hope. When he leaned back against Kaidan, June couldn’t deny that it had felt like coming home. Shepard might have lived and fought for peace or a greater purpose, but June had always only wanted Kaidan. He had dreamed of a house in Vancouver and a shared sunset. He had wanted only a life with Kaidan.

“Okay, I admit,” June whispered again. “I’m seriously scared.”

“Don’t be, Brother!” This time, it was Jon who spoke. Judging by the closeness of his voice, he must be standing next to Jared.

“Don’t be afraid, Brothers!” Jon said with his strong voice. “Let’s not grant them the satisfaction! We have fought like real men. We have shown the world that we are not machines. Now, let’s fight hard and die proud!”

“Oh, Jon.” Jared sighed. “You’re so damn good at speeches!”

“Shut up, Jared!” Came from somewhere down the line. It might have been Jude. “You’re ruining the moment. I’m feeling epic right now!”

They all laughed.

When the smile faded from June’s face, he exhaled and was ready for the bullet. He listened silently and counted. And counted and counted. But the bullet didn’t come.

Instead, sounds of turian screams filled the air. He heard glass shattering and the following sound couldn’t be anything other than a biotic shockwave.

“What’s happening?” Jared snapped next to him, struggling heavily against his chains. “June, was that you?”

“No! I can’t use my biotics!” June fought against his shackles without success. “The restraints, remember?”

“What’s going on?” Jimmy cried, also struggling.

“Listen!” Jon snapped and June bit his tongue.

From afar, he heard gunfire and turians calling out for reinforcement. Many footsteps rattled the floor and the cry of a woman ripped through the air. He heard another man scream, but still he couldn’t make out the scene.

Suddenly, a pair of hands found his. June struggled instinctively, trying to hit his attacker with the only part of his body that wasn’t chained to the pole. His head‑butt had impressed Krogans before; he would show this guy that he should not touch Commander Shepard.

“Careful!” The man dodged his head‑butt and snapped back with a husky voice, “It’s me!”

“Kaidan?”

“Major!” the woman who had screamed before called from not so far away now. “We have C-Sec incoming!”

“Untie them! They can help us!” Kaidan shouted back, hands still fumbling with June’s chains. “Hold still, Shepard! I’m shooting it!”

“What? No!”

But he heard Kaidan’s weapon fire and his hands were free. With adrenaline pulsing in his blood, June quickly analysed the situation. Even if he hadn’t been that smart, he would have realized that this was an unauthorized rescue mission.

He removed the blindfold from his head and closed his fingers around his restraint‑collar. He pulled with all his force and when the collar cracked, energy surged through him. A mass effect field emerged from his body, a barrier for his unarmoured body. He bent down to lose his foot‑shackles, but the chains didn’t give way.

He grunted. “Kaidan! I need a weapon!”

The woman in blue Alliance armour reacted first. She took a heavy pistol from her side and threw it to June. The Sentinel caught it in mid‑air and two well aimed shots later, he was completely free and Jared, who struggled like a Krogan, could help himself.

His surroundings were in chaos. Everywhere he looked C‑Sec officers and Alliance soldiers were staring down each other’s barrels. Surprisingly, shots were rarely fired.

“Major,” the woman called again, gasping from exertion. “We should go before more arrive!”

Kaidan sprinted back to the woman and knelt down behind cover beside her. June quickly joined them, followed by a red‑faced Jon, who appeared from nowhere.

“Brief me!” his brother demanded and Kaidan flinched.

“Later!” The Major didn’t turn to look at them but focused on the woman whose face was hidden behind a helmet. “Varov, I’ve radioed the _Perseverance_. They’re out of lockdown. If you want to drop out now, I won’t hold a grudge.”

“Major.” Varov shook her head. “My career is over anyway; I just want to do some good before it’s too late.”

“I appreciate it, Lieutenant.” Kaidan breathed. “But if you surrender now, I will deny all your involvement. You still have a chance, don’t waste it.”

“With all due respect, Sir.” She threw a quick glance at June and Jon. “Shepard saved my life once. I’d like to return the favour personally, or to his…offspring, descendants, clones, whatever!”

“I’ll take that!” Kaidan nodded and finally turned to face June and Jon, who had been joined by Jared as well. “This is close to treason, but if you want to live and destroy Cerberus, come with me and we make a run for my ship.”

“You can bet on that!” Jon snorted, agitated. He reloaded the shotgun Kaidan gave him and smirked like he always did when he was ready to charge.

“All right, let’s go!” Kaidan bellowed and darted out of cover.

From there, instincts took over. Even though June wasn’t wearing any armour, he wasn’t afraid. He was one of the most powerful human biotics in the galaxy; his shields and barriers had allowed him to survive so many of Cerberus’ test runs. A C‑Sec platoon couldn’t scare him.

With Kaidan and Jon leading the front, his five other brothers next to him and Varov behind them, they were an unstoppable juggernaut that sprinted through the Citadel wards. Their speed was unmatched and their force simply inhuman. Though June wanted to apologize to all the citizens who had to jump out of their path, he had to grin at their awed expressions.

When they had reached the elevator to the docking bays, June breathed out. Though they were hopelessly outnumbered by C-Sec, June had complete confidence in their force.  Even if June hadn’t been an expert on turian expressions, he would have noticed the hesitation in their movements and the fear in their faces.

When they exited the elevator, the beautiful and alien shape of the _Perseverance_ was waiting for them. She was still linked to a docking tube, though she clearly wasn’t locked down. In front of the airlock, three Alliance soldiers were defending their position. June had wondered where the rest of Kaidan’s squad went.

Freedom was so close.

“Hey, Varov,” June said while they sprinted towards the air‑lock. “You’re one of the kids Shepard rescued from Grissom Academy, right?”

“Yes, Commander,” she replied breathlessly, throwing constant glances over their backs. “But if you don’t mind, we can chat later. I’m a little bit busy right now!”

“Sure.” June chuckled and a broad grin appeared to his face.

What was better than seeing that people you had saved had made it through? Though it hadn’t really been him who had saved that girl, it still pleased him to see that she had, for one, survived the war, and secondly, had become one of the most talented human biotics in the Alliance. He tried to recall exactly who she was and what he had thought about her after the mission, but he was ashamed to admit that he didn’t really remember.

“What’s your name?” June asked again, trying to make some new friends.

“Really, Commander?”

“I’m not hitting on you, Lieutenant.”

“Fine, it’s Nathasha!” She snorted, her temper short. Maybe she still wasn’t used to these situations.

“Nice to meet you, Nathasha.” June smiled. “I’m… _Incoming_!”

He didn’t register who he had seen cast it, but the huge biotic shockwave couldn’t go unnoticed. The next moment, Varov’s armoured body crashed against his and they both landed on the floor, hard. When he came to his feet, the whole dock looked different. Boxes and bins were lying around and between them Lieutenant Varov was whimpering on the ground.

Though June couldn’t see any visible injuries, he was aware of the damage a well‑aimed shockwave could do. The poor girl wasn’t one of the strong kinds; her slender body was curled into a ball and she was obviously in severe pain.

“Varov! Nathasha, can you hear me?”

She didn’t answer.

“Man down!” June called and dragged her out of the direct line of fire.

Because fire was what was coming at him. Behind them, the C‑Sec platoon had closed in. Only this time, they were accompanied by a tall asari that walked towards them steadily, her whole body glowing with biotic energy.

“Jimmy! Man down!” June cried again and his brother emerged from the crowd.

As soon as Jimmy reached him, June couldn’t hold back anymore. He had never cherished conflict, but his body was thirsting for release. He threw one warp after the other and with satisfaction he watched the line of C‑Sec officers thin out.

But the asari remained standing. So did another turian June hadn’t seen before. He didn’t look any different to all the others, but the logo on his armour was visible and familiar.

“Shit, they’re Spectres!” June cursed and crouched behind a fallen box. “Kaidan, Spectres on our six!”

“I’ve got it!” The human Spectre threw his biotics like a god. He had learned some new tricks since Shepard had seen him last; his shockwaves, reaves and slams raged through the hall like thunder. “Get to the ship! I’ll hold them off.”

“I’m not leaving!” June bellowed and matched Kaidan’s skills with his own. He was aware that he wasn’t as strong as Shepard had been and the injuries he had suffered back on the moon were bothering him. He could feel the tickle of his head‑wound and the cut on his side felt like it was bursting. Blood soaked his fatigues but adrenaline blocked out the pain.

“ _Get to the ship_!” Kaidan bellowed. His finger didn’t leave the trigger. “Jimmy, take Varov and get her to med‑bay!”

“Do it!” Jon stepped in, supporting Kaidan.

Though June always felt the urge to follow Jon’s orders, he rebelled against them now. He wouldn’t leave Kaidan. Not now; not when it mattered. He could be a smooth‑talker and romantic when he wanted, but now he wanted to stay. This moment would define him like the war had defined the bond between Shepard and Alenko. He couldn’t leave. Not now.

And as they held the line, June and Kaidan worked as one. Just as they had done when they had first met. When he lifted one opponent in the air, Kaidan’s bullet met the body. When Kaidan’s cryo‑blast immobilized another, June’s bullet was their doom.

But no matter how well they worked together, two Spectres and a C‑Sec platoon were still too much to take. He had faced stronger enemies, but not even Shepard could have handled their combined forces.

“There are too many. Pull back!” Kaidan commanded.

So they retreated. With every step, June could feel the pull of exhaustion in his body. He was losing blood. Fast. If he didn’t get medical attention soon, there would be no future for him.

But the spray of fire the Spectres and the C‑Sec officers were pressing them with would mean the death of anyone who turned their back. Without a shield or covering fire, they might just all die.

“Come on, June! That’s enough!” Jon cried behind him.

He quickly threw a glace back and realized that he was the only one still holding the line. Kaidan and Jon were the closest to him. They were only metres away from the air‑lock, where Jared was waiting, covering them.

June retreated steadily and didn’t stop preventing the enemies from getting closer. He could hear Kaidan’s and Jon’s voices louder in his ears. He knew he was close. A last glance towards the air‑lock told him his current position:

50 meters away.

40 meters.

Kaidan was only 30 meters away.

“Watch out!” Kaidan screamed and attempted to get to him.

But it was too late. June felt a cold surge of biotic energy blow him from his feet. A moment later, an armoured foot landed on his chest, pressing the air from his lungs. The eyes of the asari flared blue and her fist blistered with energy. She punched and June screamed out in pain. The cut he received back on the station burst open and, for a moment, June was unable to move or fight.

He took a ragged breath and managed a desperate battle‑cry. With a trembling hand and clenched teeth, he grabbed the asari’s ankle and jerked. She landed on the floor next to him with a thud and June didn’t waste any time and pinned her down. His fist met her jaw with a loud crack. She spat blue blood on the floor, but June had no time to admire it.

There was still that turian somewhere. Just as he looked up, the figure of the spiky monster towered over him. His eyes were black, his face paint white. The barrel of his rifle was at June’s temple and the burning heat sent a thrill down his spine.

“Shepard!” Kaidan screamed from behind.

“No, Kaidan! We have to go!” It was Jared’s voice. “Jon, stop him!”

“Shepard!” Kaidan cried again.

“No, Kaidan! We have to go!”

“Let me go! I can’t leave him!”

“He’s not Shepard!”

June closed his eyes and gathered the last of his strength. He faced the screaming and raging human Spectre and smiled. With the last bit of his determination and strength, he cast a throw in Kaidan’s direction. His energy caught the Major and his Vanguard brother in full scale and both of them flew through the air and into the air‑lock.

He thought he saw Jared punch the controls while all three stared at him with widened eyes, but he really didn’t know. Because in the moment he smiled, the turian pulled the trigger.

All he knew from there was how far away the ceiling was and the pain. The endless and empty pain.

And then, there was absolutely nothing more. 


	8. Purpose

**08\. Purpose**

Kaidan felt like his heart had been ripped out. It wasn’t really the pain, but rather the void that made him cry.

He hammered his fist against the air‑lock and cried and cried. He didn’t know what he screamed, he only knew that when his throat failed at the end, he was hoarse and empty.

His cheeks were damp from his tears and his eyes were swollen. His fingers dug into his hair, pulling on it, dragging the strands out. He welcomed the pain, because the pain distracted him from the hurt inside.

He wanted to open his eyes and see that June was still alive. But his eyes wouldn’t obey. They didn’t want to see a world that had suddenly become so meaningless. Instead, his mind replayed that turian’s bullet blowing out Shepard’s brain. He remembered the vivid blood in the air as the air‑lock had slid shut, separating him forever from a man he loved.

A new wave of emotions surged through him, ripping him apart. He couldn’t describe what caught him, but it made him scream. His chest felt ready to explode, but at the same time he didn’t feel anything at all.

A hand closed around his upper arm, but Kaidan barely felt it. He was numb to everything outside of him and only felt the absolute nothingness inside. He was tired; powerless against the anguish. Right now, Kaidan felt like he was slowly dying, bleeding out on the floor as his future and past flashed before his eyes again.

He had left Shepard behind. He had left the man he loved to die. Just as when Shepard had needed him most, Kaidan wasn’t with him. Like on the Normandy SR-1. Like London.

Tears streamed down his face, dropping from his chin. He felt the cold floor against his forehead and his heart throbbing in his chest. He hated himself for being so hesitant, so weak, so cowardly. How could he claim to be a hero of humanity if he couldn’t even protect the people he cared about?

Kaidan was confused, bewildered. Realizing his failure and his true feelings, darkness crushed down on him again. Finally, Kaidan’s world crumbled. The glass fortress he had built inside of him to shield his fragile core burst into thousands of pieces. And every one of the shards cut through him like a knife.

With every wound that opened the pain increased until Kaidan couldn’t hold on anymore.

Four years of suppressed emotions poured out of him like the blood and tears leaking from his body. He was angry, furious that Shepard had actually left him even though he had promised Kaidan so much. He was devastated, broken, because his world had lost its star. How many times had he whispered to his lover that he wouldn’t want to continue his life without him? How many times had Shepard whispered back that they would always be together? 

He was afraid. Horrified. Now that he had finally seen what had happened to Shepard, to June, how could he move on and believe that the galaxy still had something to offer? How was he supposed to continue his life in a world that just didn’t make sense anymore? What should he do? What should he say? How should he move on?

“I’m lost, Shepard!” Kaidan finally cried out. He had never said it in public, never admitted it to anyone. Not even to Liara or Garrus or Tali who had accompanied him through the war. He had only whispered the truth in private when he believed that no one could hear him. “Come back to me!” he screamed again. “Come back! I beg you! Come back! I need you…”

“Kaidan.” Shepard’s face appeared in his view but he seemed different, distant. He leaned in and Kaidan shivered. “Kaidan, he’s gone!”

“June…” Kaidan cried. He didn’t know which death hurt more; Shepard’s or June’s. The first was the man he had sworn to love forever and the other was his second chance at happiness. But he couldn’t protect either. “What have I done?” He sobbed. “I shouldn’t have brought you here. I’m so sorry!”

“Come on, don’t cry,” another Shepard’s voice said behind him. Two strong arms cradled him and Kaidan felt the warmth surrounding him. “Kaidan, I’m here.”

“I’m so sorry.” He sobbed and pressed his face against Jon’s chest. Behind him, he felt Jared’s head on his back, heavy against his spine. “I’m so sorry… How could you? How could you leave me? Dammit, I waited for you, I did! Three whole months I waited at the Conduit, but you didn’t come. You asked me to wait for you, Shepard! Why didn’t you come? _Why?_ ”

Kaidan had no strength anymore. He couldn’t continue. The punches he aimed at Jon were only half‑hearted. He wanted to hurt him for all the misery he had caused but he didn’t have the heart to inflict any pain.

He was a weeping mess on the floor. He trembled, torn between anger and grief. He couldn’t decide whether to push Jon away because the sight of him caused too much sorrow or kiss him because he just couldn’t bear to be alone anymore.

Jon saved him by taking away his choice. He pulled Kaidan into his arms and pressed his lips to Kaidan’s forehead. His hands were in Kaidan’s hair and his body so close. At his back, the emptiness was covered by Jared. His heat transcended through the fabric and in a way, Kaidan was suddenly happy.

How could he feel so devastated and so happy at the same time? How could he mourn the man he was holding, kissing, feeling?  How could he love a man who was dead and yet so alive?

“I lied,” Kaidan admitted, sobbing on Jon’s shoulder. “I didn’t move on; I fooled myself. Shepard, I didn’t let go. Not at all. I’m so sorry…”

Jon didn’t reply. He patted the back of Kaidan’s head while Jared’s lips caressed Kaidan’s neck. Between the two brothers shielding him with their bodies, Kaidan felt secure again. It was like being in Shepard’s arms, in June’s arms. He had loved those two dead men. He still loved them, but the two brothers at his side, Kaidan loved also.

“Come,” Jon whispered eventually. “We should get your wounds looked at.”

Kaidan had already forgotten that he’d been hit. The small hole in his arm didn’t hurt much, but Kaidan knew too much about medicine to leave it to heal by itself. He nodded, gasping and panting. His legs had no strength so he let Jared and Jon carry him. He was aware that this would be the end of his dignity if one of his students saw him, but right now he didn’t really care.

When his wounds were treated expertly and the medi-gel applied, Kaidan felt composed enough to form a sensible line. He looked at Jon and Jared and, for the first time, he didn’t see Shepard in them. He saw two soldiers who had endured just as much, he saw two lovers who traced his moves with longing and he saw two brothers who were mourning their losses.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again. “I really am.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jon whispered back, swallowing hard. “June decided to sacrifice himself so we have a chance. He died a hero.”

“He did,” Jared agreed, trying to hide his bloodshot eyes. “We shall honour him by making sure Cerberus doesn’t succeed.”

“I won’t let his sacrifice be in vain,” Kaidan vowed. “If it’s the last thing I do.”

Kaidan realized that he really meant it. When the words crossed his lips, a small fire began to rise. He remembered that Shepard had told him once that the reason he fought was for the people around him. It made sense now. More than Kaidan thought it would.

A great man had died twice to make sure the galaxy was safe. What else should Kaidan do if not protect what he had created? This was his legacy. These men weren’t just another crime Cerberus had committed but what Shepard had left him. Somehow the hero had survived.

“Kaidan.” Jon took a step closer and placed a hand on his. He always had the skill to be reassuring even if he wasn’t saying a word. “I know you’re hurting. I understand. But now is not the time for grief. You know what you’ve done?”

Kaidan sighed and turned his head to look at Lieutenant Varov who was lying in the bed next to his. She didn’t look too good but Jimmy had assured him that she would be up soon. He thought about how brave the young woman had been and what she had risked to help him. To help these clones. How was it that a simple soldier realized their true value but not the Council?

“I went rouge,” Kaidan said crisply. Then he had to chuckle at the humour of his situation. The chuckle turned to laughter and the laughter couldn’t be stopped.

Jon and Jared’s bewildered expressions only amplified the irony of the moment and Kaidan had to take deep breaths to calm down. He swallowed heavily, cheeks tired from his outburst but he still couldn’t stop. He wiped the small tear from the corner of his eye and focused his attention to the clones, trying hard not to start laughing again.

“What’s so funny, Major?” Varov asked first. She must have been woken up by Kaidan’s laughter and her facial expression resembled Jon and Jared’s.

“Eight years ago,” Kaidan said with his usual husky voice. “I was the one following a rogue Spectre in his crusade to save the galaxy. Now look at us, rogue Spectre, mutineers, failed experiments; way to go Team Milky‑Way!”

“Team Milky‑Way?” Varov sounded horrified.

“Never mind.” Kaidan shook his head and watched Jon and Jared exchange a knowing look. When he spoke again, he spoke with determination. “We have more pressing matters. Valhalla Station must be destroyed.”

“Sir, but we still don’t know where it is.” Varov seemed tense. “I though the Councillor didn’t give you the coordinates.”

“How do you know?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow at his Lieutenant. “By the way, how did you know that I was on my way to rescue them?”

“I didn’t, Sir.” Varov flushed. “Um… My ex-boyfriend is one of Tralor’s assistants. He told me what happened.”

Kaidan frowned. He wouldn’t say he approved of that kind of lack in security, but who was he to complain right now? Without Varov, he might be rotting in jail or already dead.

“I heard about the decision and I couldn’t let it happen,” she continued, rubbing the back of her neck. “Fortunately, Scott, Johnson and Herman agreed with me. So I went to find you and sent them back to the ship.” She coughed. “With all the Commanders’ equipment.”

“Nice work, Varov,” Kaidan said and unwillingly smiled at her.

For a moment, Kaidan saw a faint smile on her lips, but then Lieutenant Varov flushed deeply and turned her face away. Seeing her act girlish startled Kaidan for a second. He suddenly realized that he had never seen Varov as a woman before. To him, she had always been the tough Lieutenant he could rely on. Seeing her blush reminded Kaidan of how much he had missed in the past four years.

“Thank you, Sir,” she choked out and glanced at Jon or Jared. “Um, I’m sorry for your loss. The other Commander Shepard was very kind.”

“Yeah.” Jon nodded and swallowed. “I remember you. Your name is Nathasha, right? Shepard rescued you from Grissom Academy. You had some impressive barriers back then.”

“Yes, Sir, thank you, Sir.” Varov nodded and blushed again.

Now that Kaidan had noticed Varov’s gender, he couldn’t unsee it. It started to bother him that he actually paid attention to her female attributes. Surrounded by three men all praising her, Varov looked very uncomfortable. Something inside Kaidan urged him to save the poor girl.

“Anyway, thank you, Nathasha.” Varov ears turned a deep scarlet and Kaidan knew he shouldn’t have used her first name. “Sorry, Lieutenant. I wasn’t trying anything. Just… Never mind.”

“Can we please stop flirting and get back to business?” Of course it was Jared who snorted. He didn’t look pleased and Kaidan nodded.

“Do we have a plan, Major?” Varov interrupted. Her face quickly turned back to her normal colour and her voice wasn’t that high anymore. When she talked about business, she was always confident and sure of herself. “You don’t have the location of Valhalla Station, do you?”

“Actually, I do,” Kaidan replied. “Assemble the squad in the war room, I’ll brief you there. Jon, Jared, please call your brothers, I want them there too.”

Varov saluted and disappeared out of the med‑bay. Jon and Jared though, lingered.

“Kaidan, take a little time for yourself,” Jon suggested. “You haven’t slept for almost 36 hours. You need rest.”

“I’ll rest when this is done.” Kaidan didn’t listen to him. He was fascinated by the crooked grin on Jared’s face. He didn’t like taking orders. “But now, we have to focus.”

He didn’t give the clones another chance to stop him. He had wasted enough time during his break‑down; the best way to make up for it was to concentrate. When he was focused, he didn’t have to think about what had happened. No emotions were attached, only logic.

Only purpose.

When he arrived at the war room half an hour later with a cup of coffee in his hand, all his students and the clones were gathered. Their eyes were all on him and the blue of the holographic table made them look hollow.

“As you all know,” Kaidan started, ignoring the exhaustion in his body. “This is not authorized by the Council or the Alliance. If there is anyone who wants to drop out now, I won’t hold it against you.”

“Please observe the lack of reaction, Sir,” Corporal Johnson said and smiled, obviously very pleased with himself. “We’re with you, Major.” 

“I appreciate this.” Kaidan nodded. “We have rescued these seven… sorry, six men so they can help us destroy Cerberus. Many of you have suffered under their cruelty and I realize that some of you might want revenge. This is your chance.”

Kaidan paused, using the time to glance around the room. In the young soldiers’ faces, he saw anticipation. In the Shepards’ faces, he saw the raw greed for vengeance.

“Our destination is a base called Valhalla Station,” Kaidan said, activating a holographic map on the table. “Though we know where it is, we don’t really know what we’re up against. It might be heavily fortified or abandoned; both are possible. But you’ve been trained for high risk and covert missions, so this is your game.”

“How did you get its coordinates?” Varov voice was heavy with suspicion. “Sir? Not even the Alliance Intel could provide any clues.”

Kaidan smiled slightly. A healthy amount of paranoia was needed for a soldier to stay alive. Though people learned to trust each other during the years, Kaidan understood her reservation too well. He didn’t blame her.

“I have powerful friends,” Kaidan replied. Though he knew it sounded boastful, he wasn’t ready to share the secret that his old crush Liara T’soni was the galaxy’s most notorious information broker. That was definitely a secret he would carry to his grave.

“Wow, so it’s true that you know the Shadow Broker?” Johnson’s eyes went wide and his chin dropped. “Awesome!”

“That’s irrelevant, Corporal Johnson.” Kaidan chuckled. Sometimes he wondered how rumours like this emerged. “You can close your mouth now.”

“Yes, Sir, of course, Sir!” Johnson nodded and a few chuckled at his attempt to hide his awe.

“As I was saying.” Kaidan looked at the galaxy map again. “Surprisingly, Valhalla Station is based not so far from our rogue Base. We go in, quietly, and board the station in stealth. Once inside, our primary goal is to shut down the control mechanism. With any luck, it will disable their fleet or whatever force they’ll have.”

“How do you want to do it?” Jon stepped in, frowning just as Shepard always did.

“We form three teams.” Kaidan explained the plan he had already formed when he received the requested information from Liara. At least she knew what he was doing. “I’ll lead Team Alpha, composed of me, Jon, and Jared. Lieutenant Varov will lead Team Bravo with Corporal Johnson, Jamie and Jude. While Sergeant Scott leads Team Charlie with Corporal Herman, Jimmy and Jet. I will locate the central control while you act as distraction. Avoid confrontation if possible, but not at the expense of your own safety. Any questions?”

“Can I lead Team Bravo?” Jude raised his hand and smirked. “No offense, Nathi.”

“No, Jude you can’t,” Kaidan said. “Don’t take this personally, but I don’t know you well enough to trust you with this. Besides, you’re still wired to the control chip. Lieutenant Varov is my best student. She can handle this.”

“Okay.” Jude shrugged. “Thought I might ask. Looks like I have to listen to you then, Nathi.”

“It’s still ‘ _Lieutenant’_ to you,” she challenged but its effect was diminished by her deep blush. “Jude!”

“All right.” Kaidan nodded and tried not to think about all the flirty mannerisms towards his Lieutenant or why Varov always flushed while talking to the clones. Purpose was what mattered now. Shepard’s purpose. June’s purpose. His purpose. “It’s settled, then. We raid Valhalla Station and we destroy Cerberus. Let’s just hope they don’t have any surprises for us. All of you check your gear and then get some rest. Dismissed.”


	9. A blissful dream

**09\. A Blissful Dream**

“Do you ever sleep?” Jon’s voice interrupted Kaidan’s thoughts.

He made a halfway turn to see Unit Seven striding towards him with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in his hands. Behind him, Jared followed closely, rubbing his chin like Shepard had done when he was deep in thought. Blinking, Kaidan wondered why he always saw these two at each other’s sides. There were just so many mysteries about these men and Kaidan wanted to solve them all. But he just didn’t have the time.

“Not very much lately,” Kaidan answered with a sigh. “But you don’t seem to sleep either.”

Jon nodded, lips twitching. “Too many thoughts.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Kaidan nodded back and turned to gaze at the endless void outside the observation window.

It seemed so long since he had been here the last time, even though it had been less than 24 hours. He liked to be here, mostly alone. This place had always helped him clear his mind, gather his thoughts and find answers to the questions he didn’t dare ask.

Here, Kaidan could be himself. Mostly, his face didn’t move and his body remained still; his mind though, his mind could travel across the galaxy, searching for what he had lost or desired. Here, he could think about Shepard and his lost friends and family. Here, he could finally relax.

There was no limit to his imagination like time had no end. Infinite blackness was his canvas and his mind could be the brush. He could be an artist of will and form life to his liking. He could pretend that the world was still okay. Here, he could forget that this vessel was once a Reaper corpse; here, he could forget that it wasn’t the _Normandy_.

“What are you thinking about right now?” Jon asked with a low voice. He stood next to Kaidan and the Major knew that he was being watched closely from both sides.

Kaidan managed a sound which was half a sigh and half a chuckle. What should he answer? “I wonder what would have happened to you of someone else found you,” he said eventually, turning to look at Jon to his right.

“We’d probably be dead.” The clone didn’t even flinch.

“Nah…” Jared stepped in, sounding slightly humoured. “The Council would have lost a ship and we would have spaced a few more corpses.”

“Probably.” Jon chuckled. And after a while, Kaidan joined in.

“So, you ceased fire when you heard it was me approaching?” Actually, Kaidan already knew the answer, but still he wanted to ask the question. Maybe he wanted to keep talking, or he just wanted to hear Shepard’s voice. His lover’s voice. June’s voice.

“Yeah,” Jared said this time and leaned against the transparent surface. “I was on guard duty when you showed up on my sensors. Thought I might get to try the new missiles we installed. I have to give it to you: your pilot had some skills if he could dodge my targeting.”

“I’m not so sure it was my pilot,” Kaidan whispered, eyes still fixed on the stars. Stars never seem to change; they were always the same, no matter how much the galaxy changed.

“What?”

“Never mind.” Kaidan shook his head. He really had more pressing matters than to investigate whether his ship had free will or not and how far that autonomy might extend. “You were saying?”

“Not important.” Jared stepped one pace closer and then shook his head. Kaidan could hear his breathing quicken, and involuntarily the Major had to think about what June had told him about Jared.

Ever since he found out about Jared’s true feelings, the clone’s actions seemed less hostile and more desperate. Kaidan could see the pain in his blue eyes and sometimes he witnessed the longing flare up. Connecting all he knew about Jared, Kaidan felt suddenly very, very sorry for the Soldier.

“Where did you get the whiskey?” Kaidan asked hastily in order to change subject. He didn’t notice himself taking a step backwards until his back hit Jon’s shoulder. The other clone didn’t back away but lifted his arms to prevent Kaidan from falling. Jon’s hands didn’t touch his arms, but Kaidan still flinched; an old ghost was catching up to him.

“Corporal Johnson gave it to us.” Jared’s eyes were still fixed on Kaidan’s while his lips slowly curled into a crooked grin. “He said we might find you here.”

“Okay.” Kaidan swallowed, hard. The clone, who looked just so tempting, was only inches away from his body and he was still advancing. “Wait,” Kaidan whispered, powerless. “You said you knew I was here?”

“Oh, shit!” Jared stopped dead and snapped his eyes away to look at Jon. “I shouldn’t have said that, right?”

“Kaidan.” Jon’s hands finally made contact with his arms and the heat seeped through his fatigues. It made Kaidan flinch and shiver. “We were worried. You need some rest.”

“So you still know that whiskey makes me sleepy.” Kaidan sighed and gave up his attempts to brace against these two seductive bastards. “That’s why you’re here?”

“Just a quick drink,” Jared whispered.

“Then we’ll go,” Jon added.

“Oh, that’s not fair!” Kaidan moaned. He still remembered that night as if it was yesterday. So many years had passed but Kaidan could still taste the whiskey on his lips and hear Shepard’s gasp in his ears. He hadn’t had many of those nights, but that one was special. Not just because it was their last night together; that night had been his light while he was going though hell.

Against his better judgement, Kaidan took the beverage from Jon’s hand. He poured the golden liquid into the two glasses and then kept the bottle for himself. He lifted the whiskey to his lips, telling himself that he should treat this precious moment like a gift.

“To June and Jake!” Jared said.

“To James and Josh!” Jon added.

“To Shepard and all those heroes.” Kaidan whispered and closed his eyes. “May they never be forgotten!”

The whiskey tasted good and Kaidan felt it burning down to his stomach. It wasn’t just a gulp of liquor; it was a way to cherish life. He took another swing and opened his eyes, letting the heat surround him.

The hands on his hips were strong and they guided him. The lips which met his neck were soft like velvet. He could feel the stubble on Jon’s face scratching over his skin. He could smell the clone’s scent while a broad chest met his. He threw his head back and let Jon’s caress take him away.

Someone took the bottle from his hand. Kaidan lifted his free arm to stroke Jon’s bicep. He traced his fingers over the surface of the warm skin and bit his lip at the sensation of the muscles underneath. The heat burned through him, reaching into his heart and maybe it was already healing the wound, just a bit.

Another pair of powerful hands found his. They weren’t guiding him, but directing him. The lips that followed to his nape were demanding; they sucked on his skin greedily, while teeth scratched over skin. Together, they made Kaidan forget who he was. They made Kaidan abandon his integrity, his mission, his responsibility. They made Kaidan follow them down a path that ended in selfishness, but also happiness.

Kaidan knew that this was wrong in many ways, but how could he say no to a world of bliss?

Kaidan let out an aroused moan while his body reacted to the tenderness. He let go of conscience thought and self‑restraint and gave in to the moment. He felt lips on him and hands over him. He felt two men gasping into his ears, but he only felt one man’s love.

“Relax.” Jon’s voice was only a whisper. When he spoke, Kaidan felt Jon’s breath on his cheek and the scent made him want to kiss him.

He leaned in but a pull from behind held him back. Instinctively, Kaidan turned his head around and his lips met with Jared’s. The Soldier tasted so good. He wasn’t like June or Shepard, but Kaidan couldn’t say exactly what was different. He opened his mouth to welcome Jared’s exploring tongue. The heat sent a shudder down his spine, making his knees buckle. The flavour of whiskey surrounded them and mixed with the scent of Shepard. Kaidan felt dizzy.

Jon’s hand found Kaidan’s fatigues and, with skilful fingers, he opened the straps. He pulled down the zipper and chilly air met Kaidan’s skin. It didn’t stay cool for long because Jon’t lips found his nipple. The sensation made Kaidan gasp into Jared’s mouth and his hands couldn’t decide who he wanted to touch more.

“Am I really doing this?” Kaidan didn’t know if he thought it or actually said it. But that wasn’t important right now.

“We could be him,” Jared whispered near his ear. “We _are_ Shepard.”

Kaidan’s head felt heavy and his limbs weak. Jared’s hands were his stability and Jon’s tongue his only focus. Feeling both touching him, Kaidan’s anticipation rose. Jared seemed to be able to sense his expectation and his hand wandered to Kaidan’s belt before Kaidan knew that he wanted Jared’s hand there. Feeling Shepard’s… Feeling _Jared’s_ fingers sliding down to his growing part, Kaidan bit his lip at the pleasure.

“You’re getting hot,” Jared whispered again. Kaidan could hear the dirty smirk in the clone’s voice. “Better take this off.”

Jared’s hand found the collar of Kaidan’s Alliance fatigues and with a smooth pull he drew it from Kadian’s body. While Kaidan was distracted by Jon’s teeth, which had just found his other nipple, Jared opened Kaidan’s pants and started to push them down. The Soldier seemed very impatient and as he pressed his hips against Kaidan’s butt, there was no doubting his eagerness.

Jon continued where Jared left off. His hands were gentler but they didn’t lack purpose. He glanced up at Kaidan and his blue eyes were the only thing Kaidan could think about. His eyes glowed like stars from afar and whatever he was doing was completely lost to Kaidan.

When Kaidan was conscious again, he was naked between two men. Too many arms wrapped around his body but their heat kept Kaidan warm. He leaned back and gasped as he felt Jared’s erection pressing against him. Kaidan let out another moan and admitted that he had indeed fantasised about this since the first time he saw them.

Jon knelt down before him and rested his hands on Kaidan’s solid hips. He gave Kaidan a last questioning look before his beautiful lips parted. Jon’s lips were warm and damp. The force with which he sucked on Kaidan’s cock was just enough to make the Major gasp. From behind, Jared closed in again, his hot cock pressed against Kaidan’s butt with equal force. The Soldier’s hand crossed Kaidan’s nape and pulled. The Major didn’t resist, following Jared’s direction.

Lips met his and Kaidan sucked on the flesh. He wanted Jared. Wanted him so badly he could hardly breathe. While Jon handled him from the front, all Kaidan could think about to make this prefect was to have Jared inside him. Filling him up and giving him the opportunity to forget reality and live in a dream for once.

“I want you,” Kaidan panted out while his fingers dug into Jared’s hair. The Soldier grunted with pain, but pain only poured fuel on the fire known as _Shepard_. “Both!”

“I know,” Jared murmured and slapped Kaidan’s butt. He knelt down behind the Major and Kaidan gasped again.

He had never felt anything like this. So many sensations surged through him at the same time. Before him, Jon’s mouth was swallowing him while behind him, Jared’s tongue teased him until Kaidan could do nothing but gasp and tremble. His knees weren’t able to support him for long. His need was screaming; screaming for Jared or Jon, he didn’t care. He wanted to feel them close.

Eventually, Jon let go of his swollen part. He backed away a few paces and lay down on the floor littered with their discarded fatigues. He smiled a little and gently waved Kaidan closer. It was like being caught by a spell. Kaidan couldn’t do anything else but sink to all fours and slowly crawl over to the smiling man. Jon’s cock dominated his view and instinctively Kaidan opened his mouth.

He had missed the taste of salty, hot skin and hard flesh. He opened his mouth wide and heard Jon grunt. His throat was thirsty for Jon’s thrusts while his tongue lusted for Jon’s pre-cum. He sucked with all his strength while his hands found their way to Jon’s soft balls. They were perfect in his palms.

“You’re ready?” Jared parted his buttocks before a wet, slick finger entered Kaidan. The Major grunted but didn’t let go of Jon’s cock. He thrust his hips forward into thin air but Jared’s finger followed. “You’re not going anywhere.”

The more Jared’s fingers fucked him, the more Kaidan sucked. It was not really intended but Kaidan had no way to release the surge of pleasure Jared caused in him. One finger wasn’t enough anymore and Kaidan wanted more. He wanted so much more.

“Come on!” the Major demanded eventually. He turned to see Jared and the sight was truly amazing. He loved to see Shepard in that position, because seeing that always filled him with a thrill of anticipation. Shepard was a god in bed and if these clones were only half as good as the Commander, Kaidan was sure he would never forget this night.

“All right.” Jared grinned. “Here we go!”

Kaidan’s hands clenched into fists and a low groan emerged from his throat. Jared felt so good. The careful movement he made to enter Kaidan slowly drove the Major wild. Kaidan thrust back into the clone, determinate to make Jared moan his name. The pleasure exploded inside of him while all strength vanished from his muscles for a moment. For minutes, he forgot that Jon was lying under him, awaiting him; all he thought about was how much he wanted to be fucked by Jared.

“Harder,” Kaidan demanded. Jared’s strength surprised him. Though Jared’s movements were rough and passionate, Kaidan still wanted more. In his mind, he was pushing the clone down to the floor while he sat down on that cock he loved so much. He wanted to look into those blue eyes while he rode Jared. But that should wait.

“Hey.” Jon’s hand found the back of his head and Kaidan snapped his eyes open. “I’m here, too.”

Kaidan didn’t answer. He opened his mouth wide again. Jon straightened up, taking the opportunity to give Kaidan a deep kiss. Kaidan cherished the sensation of Jon’s tongue in his mouth and Jared’s cock inside him. He listened to the sound of their lips and Jared’s hips slapping against his skin while his joy rose higher and higher.

He went down on his fours again while Jon started to thrust into his throat. He enjoyed this so much. Both were men he loved and both showed their affection with actions. While Jared pounded him with a speed and force only a soldier could muster, Jon pushed into his mouth slowly but deeply.

“Okay.” Jon panted after a while. “Kaidan, hold on,”

“What?” The Major gasped, following Jon’s cock as the Vanguard pulled it out. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jon gasped with heavy breath. “Just want to fuck you before I come.”

Kaidan understood and so did Jared. The Soldier stopped thrusting and carefully retreated. Jared’s hands found Kaidan’s waist and before the Major knew it he was lying on the floor, facing the ceiling. It all happened so fast. Jared’s lips were on his while Jon’s hands lifted his hips from the ground. Kaidan braced himself for a second round.

And it was even better.

Jon entered him with a tenderness Jared could never manage. But Jared kissed him with a ferocity Jon could only dream of. Jared showed the wild, the ardent, the unchallenged side of Shepard. Jon was Shepard’s softness personified. Every single one of Jon’s touches echoed love while Jared moved with passion. Together, they cradled Kaidan. And together, they _were_ Shepard.

Kaidan moaned and opened his mouth wide again. Jared didn’t hesitate and started fucking his throat with a force which nearly made the Major gag. But Kaidan didn’t stop him. He enjoyed this too much.

“Kaidan…” Jared moaned when all three were near climax. Their movements were wild and none of them cared about the noise they made.

Jared’s hand grabbed the back of Kaidan’s head and he pulled on Kaidan’s hair. The pain made Kaidan groan. He closed his lips even firmer around Jared’s cock when the man started shaking. Soon, the salty, hot load filled Kaidan’s throat and the Major swallowed it happily. Kaidan didn’t stop moving his hips up against Jon as he watched Jared breathe with bliss written across his face.  

He didn’t know what was better, Jared coming in his mouth or Jon inside him. But with his climax closing in, Kaidan had little time to think about it. He supported his body on his elbows and concentrated on bringing Jon to his peak. But that determination was lost easily.

Jared appeared in his view again and the Soldier gave him a crooked grin. His lips were slightly swollen and rosy. They looked so delicious and when they closed around Kaidan’s cock, they were the best thing he had ever felt.

With Jon fucking him senseless and Jared giving him the best blowjob, Kaidan really had to muster all his restraint to prevent himself from screaming. His stomach twitched and all the surges of pleasure flowing through his body easily erased his common sense. His hands were sweaty, his body was sweaty. He shook uncontrollably and all he could think about was how much he wanted to come in Jared’s mouth while Jon came in him.

“John!” Kaidan gasped while his hand dug into Jared’s hair again. He pressed his hips upwards, feeling Jon following and then he emptied his load into Jared’s mouth as Jon came inside him.

He thought he had a minute to breathe. He was wrong. Jared was quick. His lips were on Kaidan’s before his brother could draw out completely. The Soldier didn’t ask if Kaidan wanted it, climbing onto the Major and covering Kaidan’s body with his. He kissed Kaidan everywhere. His lips, his cheeks, his ears, his neck, his collarbones, his chest. Kaidan couldn’t fight back.

It was some time later that Kaidan’s mind finally cleared. Kaidan was holding Jared in his arms while he was held by Jon. Together, all three gazed out of the viewport, while their heartbeats played a symphony.

Kaidan smiled.

“So much for needing rest,” Kaidan chuckled, rubbing his face against Jared’s shoulder.

“But you have to admit…” Jared turned to look at him, a childish smile on his face. “It was relaxing.”

Kaidan kept silent and pulled Jared closer to kiss him. He liked kissing Jared. Maybe he still felt sorry that he had not responded to Jared’s love sooner, or maybe Jared was just a good kisser. He smiled at the man while his thumb gently traced the arc of Jared’s lips. They were simply beautiful.

Not the same way Shepard’s lips were beautiful, or June’s. It was Jared. Though they all looked very much the same, Kaidan saw the differences. They were tiny, mostly hidden behind a mask of confidence. But when the clones were relaxed, Kaidan saw their true being and he finally understood them.

He finally understood why June was here last night. Why June had slept with him so willingly and why these two had lied to him just to get the same opportunity. It wasn’t just their artificial love that dictated them to do so but the constant fear that they might not have the chance later.

They were at war and soldiers die in war. Even though these clones had never actively participated in it, Kaidan understood that they couldn’t forget what Shepard had experienced. It was a silent understanding between the three of them that there might be no tomorrow. That if they didn’t savour this moment they might regret it later, because when they headed into combat there was always the chance that one was not coming back.

Kaidan kissed Jared’s forehead one last time and breathed out.

“Hey.” Jon coughed as he ran his fingers through Kaidan’s hair. “I don’t wanna be a spoilsport, but we all should get some rest.”

“You’re right.” Kaidan sighed, very reluctant to get back to reality. “We should be there soon.”

They granted themselves another ten minutes where they just sat and snuggled together. But eventually, they got up and put on their fatigues and checked each other for evidence of inappropriate behaviour. When Kaidan was sure that they were clean, he kissed the two brothers again.

That was the moment when the ground trembled beneath their feet. Adam Bell’s voice cracked through the loudspeaker as the room was illuminated by red emergency lighting.

“Major, we’re under attack!” The pilot sounded urged, but he was always the professional.

“Report!” Kaidan shouted while his hand reached out for the handles on the wall. The bulk of _Perseverance_ shook again and several books slid from the shelves. Kaidan fought his way to the handle right of the door and yelled again after his fingers closed around the metal. “What’s going on?”

“They came out of nowhere!” Bell sounded even more stressed than before. He could obviously see something from the viewport that they couldn’t.

“Major, it’s Cerberus!”

Kaidan’s heart sank.


	10. Gamble

**10\. Gamble**

The Cerberus fleet was terrifying.

How could a terrorist organization that was believed destroyed be able to build a strong force without the rest of the galaxy noticing it? Looking at the fleet, realizing its threat, Kaidan shivered slightly. His throat was dry when he swallowed and his heart was racing dangerously fast. Blinking without seeing, the Alliance Major took a deep breath.

“Any transmissions?” he asked, one hand braced on back of Adam Bell’s seat. A flash of memory from the depths of his mind surged forward. He recalled seeing Commander Shepard’s back in the _Normandy’s_ bridge, hand placed on Joker’s backrest. The Commander had seemed calm, certain and heavy with purpose.

“None, sir.” Bell’s voice had regained little of his usual calm since Kaidan had appeared in the cockpit. The Major could tell that the pilot was still nervous judging by the speed at which his hands danced over the control board.

 _He’s not Joker_ , Kaidan had to remind himself. He had gotten so used to flying with the best pilot in the Alliance, sometimes he forgot to indulge the lesser experienced pilots serving under him. He took another deep breath and exhaled. He had hoped that the flush of oxygen would clear his mind, but its only effect was to remind him that, if the _Perseverance_ took another hit, there would be no more oxygen for his lungs.

“Why aren’t they firing?” Bell asked, voice trembling slightly. “What are they waiting for?”

It was true. After Kaidan and the clone brothers rushed out of the observation lounge, the Cerberus fleet had ceased their attack. Now, they hovered in black space, waiting. In silence, the six Cerberus cruisers and their fighter squadron opposed a single Alliance frigate called _Perseverance_.

It was clear that the rogue Spectre had been betrayed.

“Sir?” Bell asked.

Kaidan didn’t answer but continued to gaze out of the viewport, studying the Cerberus ships. Obviously, Cerberus had been waiting for them. Otherwise they couldn’t have responded this fast. Normally, cruisers were based closer to the actual station while small fighter squadrons patrolled in the area. But what Kaidan was looking at was the great gate of a blockade.

Their position and the time of arrival must have been known to Cerberus. Someone had compromised his mission. But who? Who would betray him? Who knew of his crusade?

Liara had given him this information, but no matter what happened Kaidan was certain that Liara would never betray him. She had loved Shepard just as much as Kaidan had done, she wouldn’t betray his legacy at any cost.

His students, maybe? Varov had been suspicious, even tense in the war room. Maybe she hadn’t doubted Kaidan’s loyalty but had been secretly hiding her true intentions? But what motive would she have? What did she hope to gain by helping Cerberus? No, it couldn’t have been Varov. The young Lieutenant was his best student, his most trusted one. She had been a victim of Cerberus’ crime before and trained by Jack. Her hatred for Cerberus was what proved her innocence.

But who else could it be? The Clones? As the thought crossed Kaidan’s mind, he shivered. The possibility that the clones had betrayed him was indeed very high. They could have lied to him from the beginning. They could have deceived Kaidan about the functionality of their control‑chip. They could have acted their innocence, their affection, to gain his trust.

There were too many possibilities out there, too many suspects. Everyone on this ship could have done it.  Everyone off the ship would have guessed what Kaidan was doing. Could it be that Councillor Tralor really did have Cerberus ties?

“Sir?” Adam Bell interrupted Kaidan’s thoughts. “What are they waiting for?”

“Our move,” Kaidan said with his voice flat. No doubt Cerberus knew that Kaidan was surprised to see them. No doubt they knew that Kaidan was without support.

But what they didn’t know was that Kaidan was never without friends.

“What should we do, Sir?” the pilot asked again, face turning ashen.

“Move us into cover,” Kaidan said, thinking.

“Where, Sir? We’re in space!”

Kaidan didn’t answer immediately. He leaned forward and his fingers reached for the control panel. Sometimes, even today, Kaidan had the urge to helm a ship. He remembered his first days on the _Normandy SR-1_ when he assisted Joker in their flight. Though Kaidan had never trained directly to be a pilot, he always took time to get familiar with a ship’s controls.

His finger waved over the orange interface and a screen popped up. He typed in a few commands and leaned back, hand resting on the headrest again. When he spoke, his uncertainty was hidden behind his military tone. “There. Bring us into the asteroid field. I bet the cruisers can’t follow us there.”

“The fighters can,” Bell pointed out.

“They won’t,” Kaidan said.

“I don’t understand.” Bell’s concern was justified.

“Cerberus wants to be seen as the heroes of humanity,” Kaidan explained, hoping that his assumption was right. “Blowing the only human Spectre from the sky won’t buy them any sympathy with the Council or the people. It would aggravate them and might even cause another war.”

“So, as long as we have you on board, we’re safe?”

Kaidan nodded. “I sure hope so.”

“If you say so, Sir.” Bell didn’t argue and started to plot the course.

Kaidan watched closely as his pilot checked the systems. He didn’t need to but the routine gave him a false impression of security. And he needed that, because in his head his world and plans were falling apart. He had never expected a fleet here. He had never though this through before he led all these young soldiers and innocent victims into his battle.

In his heart, Kaidan doubted himself. He didn’t know what had made him assume that Cerberus wouldn’t wipe him from existence. He had no idea what would make his plan succeed. He felt as if he was seventeen years old again, foolish and passionate about protecting the people he loved. He felt small, so meaninglessly small against the pressure of so many lives in his hands and the threatening darkness around him.

But on the outside, his face was carved from stone. Motionless and cold.

“Make a fast move, Bell,” Kaidan commanded. “Direct all energy to the shield and thrusters. Once we’re behind the asteroid, cut all power.”

“Without power, we’d be drifting.”

“Then find a big asteroid,” Kaidan said.

“Yes, Sir.”

Kaidan counted the seconds as Bell started the Drive again. When the _Perseverance’s_ thrusters came back into life, a Cerberus squadron responded by moving into attack formation. But as Kaidan had calculated, the enemy didn’t engage.

“Now, Bell!”

With a lurch, _Perseverance_ pierced through the space. The small frigate was made for recon, not war. Through its bulk was reinforced with Reaper plate and its engine enhanced with a Reaper core, it still was only one ship. One single, vulnerable ship; a lone wolf without a pack.

When the asteroid came into closer view, _Perseverance’s_ Captain rushed into the cockpit. His hair was ruffled by sleep while dark rings hung under his eyes. He pursed his lips but didn’t question the Spectre’s orders. He only watched and Kaidan saw the sweat gather on the Captain’s forehead.

In the cockpit, Bell was the only one talking. He didn’t chat, but gave voice to what his hands were doing.

“Incoming fighters!” Bell shouted as the little icons of Cerberus fighters showed up on their sensors. “Looks like they decided otherwise.”

“Lose them,” Kaidan said but knew that the pilot didn’t really need the order.

 _Perseverance_ was bigger than the fighters and the fighters had less firepower. Their small form allowed them to reach places closed to _Perseverance_ , but they lacked the strong shields. They were flawed. Projectiles flew past the front window and a small tremble went through the hull. An alarm started to ring, telling them that the cargo bay had caught fire.

Captain Riley’s face bleached and Kaidan’s hand clenched into a fist so tight his knuckles hurt. He didn’t say anything but trusted his life and the lives of all the inhabitants of this ship to Adam Bell.

Kaidan remembered something that Shepard had told him once. At a time before Ilos, before they had reached out for each other’s hearts, the Commander had whispered to him in confidence that dying on a ship was the last thing he wanted. Shepard had wanted to say goodbye to life with a weapon in his hand and comrades at his side. Aboard a ship during a space fight the Commander had felt powerless against the mass destruction outside.

This was how Kaidan felt right now. Seeing the _Perseverance_ carve its way through the asteroid cluster and knowing that a squadron of fighters was pursuing them, Kaidan wondered if his plan would fail. He wondered if Bell’s skill was enough.

“Major!” Bell sounded anguished. “You better get to the escape pods! Another hit and we’re gone.”

“You can do it, Bell!” Kaidan’s hand rested firmly on the pilot’s shoulder. He wouldn’t abandon ship. Not again! Not while Shepard was still aboard.

“Major, I… What the hell!”

A shrill noise blared through the cockpit along with a flash of light. Something cold reached out for Kaidan and his body tensed. In that instant, all of _Perseverance’s_ lights and screens flickered and then it was silent. And dark.

But not dead. Numbers ran across the displays while the ship changed course. The artificial gravity wasn’t enough to keep the Major on his feet while the ship made a full turn in mid‑space. Kaidan felt the tremble as the hull scratched an asteroid’s surface. Pieces of small debris bounced off the window while sparks of fire vanished into vacuum.

“What are you doing, Bell?” Kaidan shouted, reaching out to catch the falling Captain.

“I’m not doing anything!” Bell shouted back. “It isn’t me!”

“What do you mean?” Captain Riley’s voice was pressed from stress.

“I lost control, Captain! I… She’s…handling herself!”

“Who?” Riley shouted, coming back to a more stable stance.

Another shift threw Kaidan against the back of Bell’s seat. For a second, the air was pressed out of Kaidan’s lungs and he gasped for breath. Without the protecting plates of his armour, Kaidan’s chest was squeezed and his ribs hurt more than he thought they should. Again, he considered the chance of dying in space and shivered.

“Who’s handling the ship?” Captain Riley shouted. His hand closed firmly on a handgrip.

“Herself!” Bell shouted back, hands flying over the panel to regain control.

A flash of bright light illuminated Bell and Riley’s terrified faces. In front of the ship two fighters burst into flames as oxygen escaped from their cockpits. The fire died and they saw four other fighters coming closer, gun’s blazing.

 _Perseverance_ shot again. The accuracy of the newly installed Thanix Cannon was inhuman. Two perfect shots sent two fighters into the realm of fire while her body dodged the incoming missiles gracefully, without ever moving a meter too far.

Then, realization dawned.

“Stop trying, Bell,” Kaidan said with his voice calm, though he know that he should be worried. “She can handle herself.”    

“Who’s handling the ship?” Riley persisted.

“ _Perseverance_.” Kaidan didn’t turn to see the Captain’s face, but the lack of response painted a clear image of Riley in Kaidan’s mind. He didn’t wait until his ship was done with the two remaining fighters; instead, he moved to touch her skin and said. “Finish them, then bring us into cover. Cut all power but life support!”

“Are you certain, Major?” Captain Riley asked finally. “Without power, we can’t defend ourselves when they find us.”

“If they find us,” Kaidan replied. “Trust me, Captain. I know what I’m doing.”

Captain Riley opened his mouth again, but closed it before any words escaped. He watched Kaidan as if the Spectre had gone insane. Between pursuing fighters and a self-handling ship, Captain Riley was obviously bewildered.

Kaidan swallowed and hid his uncertainty behind a frown. He watched the Thanix Cannon’s beam raze the last remaining fighter and flinched when the light went out. He felt the vibration of the Core and closed his eyes. When he concentrated, he could almost feel _Perseverance_ becoming weaker.

When the screens blacked out, Bell winced. Kaidan patted him on the shoulder but didn’t say anything. His mind was full of possibilities. Full of dangerous thoughts and dying moments. Eventually, _Perseverance_ became still. Though the ship had never been loud, it was like walking through a corpse.

Outside the cockpit, horrified faces stared at him. Kaidan braced himself against the unwanted attention of so many, but didn’t falter. He forced himself to walk. He avoided the eyes of Jon and Jared. He couldn’t look at them right now, didn’t dare to see the doubt in their eyes, afraid they might mirror his own. He didn’t talk, didn’t whisper. He had no strength to explain, no words to make his plan clear.

He trembled inwardly, angst filling his body. The possibility existed that he was making a mistake. A mistake that would cost the lives of so many; so many young men and women whose lives he had already ruined. So many innocent souls who desired nothing but justice and love.

Step by step, he moved closer to the service ladders. Without energy, the elevator wasn’t moving. He only hoped that no one was trapped inside. His hand found the cold metal of the rail, shiny as the day the _Perseverance_ was finished. His footsteps echoed in the narrow tunnel, reminding him that he must do this alone.

His paces slowed down when he reached the ship’s core. He didn’t know if it had to be this place, but if a ship had a heart it would be here. The two engineers stationed here weren’t around. They likely had been rushed into the evac‑rooms with its belted seats. It left Kaidan alone with a slightly crackling orb in the centre of the room.

He took a deep breath and extended his hand. His fingers touched the blue surface he hated so much. How many times in his life had he glanced down at a Reaper corpse and hated it until hate was the only thing he knew? How many times had he stepped on it, punched it, screaming at it, cried at its side, expressing his desperate want for an answer?

But today, he was begging.

“Listen,” Kaidan whispered slowly, eyes hot with moisture. “Maybe I am only talking to a metal wall, but if I’m not mistaken, you can hear me! I know you are watching me, but I don’t know why. I don’t know who you are anymore or what you are, but if you still have any feelings for me; help me!”

Kaidan sighed, chest trembling. “I am gambling with the lives of my crew, the lives of your clones. We are trapped and vastly outnumbered. You’ve seen the fleet for yourself. I don’t know who is commanding them or what they want, I only know that without reinforcements we _will_ die. I can’t put out an SOS without the risk of giving away our position. But if you still have the powers of communicating without detection, send me help!”

Kaidan took another deep breath and fought back his tears. “Help me destroy this abomination! Help me finish what you couldn’t! Help me protect the peace our friends died for. You died for! Shepard, send me a sign. I need you!”

In the abandoned silence and darkness, a voice sounded from afar.

_I hear you._


	11. Jared

**Day Three**

**11\. Jared**

Kaidan had changed.

With a deep frown on his face, Jared watched the Major turn his helmet in his hands. This man, this gorgeous man with expressive eyebrows and soft lips at the other side of the shuttle wasn’t the man Jared believed that he knew so many years ago. This Kaidan was a new man with his lover’s face, just like Kaidan had said about him. This man was the fire Jared needed to complete his entity.

Kaidan must have noticed Jared’s glare because he turned to look at the Soldier. For a moment, Jared saw fear in those caramel eyes, but then, fear turned into determination and determination turned to assurance and finally he smiled. Kaidan nodded at Jared, but didn’t say anything. His lips pursed into a thin line and then the frown returned to his beautiful features.

They had been waiting for two hours now. The entire ship was as silent as the space outside and just as dark since all power was shut down, preventing any heat signature. Jared snorted and wished he was on the _Normandy_. The _Normandy_ could have finished this mission before anyone noticed. The _Normandy_ could have done anything.

But this wasn’t the _Normandy_. This was an alien ship built from the corpse of his enemy. Though Jared liked the thought that the war which had defined him had been won, he didn’t like it that Reapers were friends now. He could never be friends with Reapers. He had fought and killed too many of them and watched them take too many of his beloved friends. He hated the _Perseverance_.

She was poison to his brain, slowly reaching out for his awareness, trying to control him. She had tried once when he had lain on the observation lounge’s floor, feeling the warmth of Kaidan’s skin against his. She had tried a second time when he was pressed against her surface during the space‑fight. But both times, she had failed. It was not really controlling, rather a small whispering voice at the back of his mind telling him what to do. Though he had never listened to her, Jared knew that she was trying to steal Kaidan from him by using him to be close to Kaidan.

Yes, Jared hated the _Perseverance_. But for now, he had to fight down his anger to stay focused. War and extinction were only a few kilometres away. Behind the asteroids, a demonic fleet of merciless destruction was waiting. Jared didn’t know what Cerberus wanted or what they hoped to gain by killing them, and he didn’t care. He only wanted to watch them burn in space.

And he believed that they would burn.

Kaidan had promised that to him. In the old days, the Major had never talked about revenge or destruction. In the old days, Shepard had never seen that fire in Kaidan’s eyes. In the old days, Kaidan was only following orders.

Today though, Kaidan was the symbol of resolve. Today, Jared loved him because Kaidan loved the battle. He had no idea when the Major had become such a strong man; a man with a furnace heart and iron will. A man who could watch mountains crumble and not flinch.

Jared smiled silently, watching the man who would lead him to glory. He wondered what would happen when this battle was won. Would Kaidan teach him how to dance as he had once promised? Would Kaidan share the house in Vancouver they all dreamed about. Would Kaidan marry him when he asked?

The plates of his new armour clanked as he crossed his arms over his chest. He felt powerful and unstoppable today. The armour felt like a second skin while the weapons acted as extensions of his arms. His fingers itched for the trigger and his anger screamed for release.

He was tired of waiting. He had waited too long for this.

“What are we waiting for?” He snorted in Kaidan’s general direction. “Why aren’t we engaging?”

Kaidan looked at him with a puzzled gaze. “We don’t stand a chance alone.”

The Major’s voice triggered lust in his lower body. He swallowed. “So are we hiding?”

“Waiting.”

“For what?”

“Fire.”

“Come on!” Jared grunted again, aware that Jon, who was leaning against the cockpit’s frame, was watching him now. “You called us down here for a reason! The teams are in the shuttles, our gear is at hand; we are ready!”

“Patience,” Kaidan only said, frowning deeper. “It will start soon enough.”

Jared snorted, displeased, but didn’t continue to argue. He watched Kaidan check his omni-tool and wondered what he kept from him. Ever since the Major returned from the _Perseverance’s_ core, he had barely spoken a word. Jared wondered if this Reaper ship had indoctrinated him or had taken control of his brain. But that was impossible. When he looked into Kaidan’s eyes, he knew that the Major was still there.

Eventually, the only human Spectre put an end to his misery. By punching on the door to the cockpit Kaidan gestured for Jon to take off. With his other hand, Kaidan activated his omni-tool, speaking to the other two teams of the deployed force.

“We know the plan,” Kaidan reminded all the waiting soldiers. “We get in, Team Alpha will search for the controls and destroy them while the other two provide cover and distraction. Our reinforcements should arrive as soon as we exit the asteroid field. Do not engage Cerberus forces. I repeat, do not engage! Our priority is Valhalla Station! Alenko out.”

Kaidan closed the channel and Jared watched him with a questioning look. “What reinforcements?”

“You’ll see.” With that, the Major rose from his seat and headed for the cockpit

Of course Jared followed. No way would he let this pass. Asteroid after asteroid flew past them as Jon steadily handled the Kodiak through the field of lethal debris. Though the Kodiak wasn’t made of tissue paper, it still couldn’t hold out against a direct hit.

Behind the field of loose debris, the burning sun added little light to the space. Only reflections of light showed what was between the two shuttles and endless darkness. Many kilometres away the six Cerberus cruisers held the blockade. They weren’t close enough to see Valhalla Station yet, but Jared didn’t doubt that he would lay eyes on it soon.

“Hold,” Kaidan said and Jon wound down the shuttle without asking Kaidan why.

Jared wanted to ask but didn’t have time to do so. In front of them, the cruisers were changing positions while squadrons of fighters took flight from its core. The fleet seemed even bigger and Jared heard Kaidan breathe out.

It was in that moment that Jared really wanted to ask what they were waiting for as his brain screamed with alarm. A flash of familiar deep blue entered his view, followed by the vast shadow its enormous body cast over _Perseverance_ , hiding them behind its form. Slowly and steadily, the most dangerous fleet the galaxy had ever known added to their strength.

Jared gasped as his eyes followed the three Reapers slowly flying toward the Cerberus blockade. Oculi hissed from their bodies while landing parties, probably full of husks and marauders, crashed into the Cruisers like burning stars. Jared couldn’t say how he felt seeing Reapers fighting at their side. He didn’t know if he should cheer because they were such powerful allies or cry because Reapers were killing humans. But all in all, Jared was glad that the odds were in his favour again.

Until he saw _him_.

Behind the three smaller Reapers and in front of the Kodiak, Harbinger remained motionless. His beam was inactive but the light coming from his surface was as bright as a star. Never in his life, artificial or real, would Jared forget the Master of all Reapers. His hands clenched into fists and raw rage boiled under his skin.

For a moment, he forgot about his mission, his freedom and his undying love for the Major at his side. For a moment, anger blinded his perception while adrenaline rushed through his body. He wanted to burst through the viewport and tear Harbinger apart with his bare hands. He wanted revenge for all the suffering this being had added to the galaxy. He wanted to see its wires dangle from his limp form, see its metal melt in fire and watch its light slowly fade out.

Until Kaidan’s hand found his.

“They are on our side this time,” the Major said with his husky voice. His touch gave Jared strength while his smile conjured Jared’s purpose. He remembered why he was here, remembered the future he would have once this was done. He remembered the vow he took in solitude that he would follow Kaidan anywhere, even into hell.

“Kaidan,” Jon interrupted, fingers tapping different buttons on the interface. “We are being hailed by Harbinger.”

Jared flinched.

“Put him through,” Kaidan said with perfect calm.

Jon activated a display and a very familiar and missed face filled the frame. Involuntarily, Jared smiled at the young asari who gently smiled at Kaidan. Her face was partly covered with a breathing mask, while low light illuminated her features. Her eyes glistened and her blue skin shimmered.

“Good to see you in one piece, Kaidan.” Liara’s voice was as beautiful as ever. Jared wondered if she was still interested and available. Maybe not to him, but he had many brothers who were still alone in their beds at night.

“Thank you for your help,” Kaidan replied, nodding faintly, face hidden behind his helmet. “Please tell me you are not inside Harbinger!”

“I am.” Liara smiled, her tone accusing. “You could have warned me. It was a good scare when he showed up at my window!”

“Sorry Liara, I was in a hurry,” Kaidan explained.

“What do you need, old friend?”

“Provide covering fire while I enter the Station with two of my other teams,” Kaidan said, eyes fixed on the Reapers outside. “The rest I will explain when the mission is finished. Drinks are on me.”

“Got it.” She nodded, looking purposeful. “I will direct the attack from here. Liara out.”

The channel closed and Jared realized that he had watched the conversation with his mouth open. “You didn’t mention us,” he said to Kaidan, massaging the back of his neck, thinking that he might have missed something. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m not sure.” Kaidan looked worried, though he tried to hide it. “Jon, bring us in.”

The Kodiak flew through space steadily while Jared watched the Reaper decimate the Cerberus fleet. He didn’t know why this scene was familiar, but an odd sensation of seeing Reapers killing humans returned to his guts. It made him sick. He remembered the day when Vancouver was attacked. He had witnessed the devastation on Earth and an old pain caught him.

It was unfair. By now, Jared had learned that Shepard did return to Earth after all. He knew that the last battle of the Reaper war was fought on the planet he called home, in a city he had never been to. He knew that Shepard died in a place hidden on the Citadel. He knew that Shepard had ended the Reaper threat by giving up his life.

But _he_ had never been there. In his head, he had never again set foot on Earth after the destruction he had seen. For him, today was the last battle of the long war. This was the place where it was supposed to end. With a man at his side who should be _his_ husband and not the lover of a dead hero.

“Jared.” Kaidan’s hand found his again. “You need to focus.”

“I am focused!” he snapped, temper short with agitation. “It’s… It’s just I want to see Earth again.”

“You will, I promise!”

“If we survive.” Jared grunted, other hand resting on Jon’s shoulder. He wondered how Jon managed to stay so calm while he was being swallowed by the anticipation of a glorious battle. His brother handled the Kodiak as if it was only practice. Within the Reaper’s shadow, the Kodiak descended steadily. Never had Jared thought that Oculi would provide escort while they headed for their LZ. It wouldn’t surprise him if the Reaper fighters started shooting at them now. He would hate to die in space.

“There it is,” he heard Jon say and it brought him out of his calculations. Maybe Kaidan was right; he wasn’t focused at all.

In front of them, the Station with his freedom inside shimmered like a star. Its design was similar to so many of the Cerberus stations he had seen. Judging by its size, they were definitely at the right place. Within this station’s walls, tens of thousands of clones might be growing. Maybe some of them were in use already.

A thought occurred to him. Could he kill a man who looked just like him, like his beloved brother? Could he kill a man, who had endured the same fate as he had? Another victim of Cerberus’ crime? Another slave not knowing what freedom tasted like?

Those questions of morality had to wait, though. For now, he had his own future to consider. Next to the Kodiak, a cruiser was hit by a Reaper beam, and it split in half. If Jared watched closer, he could almost see the crew struggling in vacuum, bits of the cruiser’s metal cutting through their bodies. Jared swallowed, remembering the pain of being exposed in space. Through he had no pity for those Cerberus men, he still wished they could have had an easier death.

“Alenko to boarding party.” Kaidan’s voice again dragged Jared out of his daze. “We are close to the LZ, minimum radio contact once aboard Valhalla,”

“Team Bravo, understood!” Lieutenant Varov answered through the comm‑line. Jared hoped that he would see Jamie and Jude again.

“Team Charlie, copy that!” Sergeant Scott replied. Jared wondered how Jimmy and Jet were doing. Where they okay with following the Sergeant’s orders?

“Good luck, everyone! Alenko out!”

“So, what do you think we’ll find there, Kaidan?” Jon asked. His eyes were fixed on the Station’s hanger entrance only a few seconds away.

“The cave of evil.”

“Or lots of targets for my gun!” Jared took his rifle from his back. Even with the tight schedule on the ship, Jared had managed to apply some mods to the Mattock he was using. He still couldn’t understand how some soldiers could use a weapon without mods. “I’m ready to shoot someone!”

“You know that—” Jon couldn’t finish because a jolt went through the Kodiak. “Shit! We’ve been hit!”

A quick glance to the side told Jared that one of the Oculi escorting them had just been shot down. Cerberus must have some very skilled pilots if they could take down a Reaper machine. Pride for humanity and fear for his own life caught him at the same time. A second projectile passed through the window and Jared had to grab a handle to prevent himself from falling.

He cursed loudly and snorted again. “I wish I could land somewhere just _once_ without being shot at!”

“Brace for hard landing!” Jon shouted, hands dancing over the controls. Too many lights flashed but Jared had no idea what they meant. The blue barrier of the hanger bay was coming closer and closer. A single fighter emerged from the blue, but a red laser took it down at once. A second flash blinded Jared’s view and he watched the second Oculus crash into the Station’s wall.

“Uh, oh! There goes our escort!”

“Brace yourselves!”

Speed in space was difficult for humans to grasp. Within seconds, they could pass hundreds of meters; at the same time, Jared knew that this kind of acceleration could easily kill them all. The blue of the barrier caught the Kodiak without a sound and the shuttle skidded across the hanger. He felt the impact in every one of his bones and again he told himself how much he loved this armour.

Before the shuttle slid to a stop, Jared was already at the door. He punched the control and the wing opened, exposing a hanger bay not unlike that at Cronos Station. He could see crates and booths with fighters everywhere he looked. From somewhere afar, bullets hit the shuttle’s bulk but didn’t penetrate Jared’s shield. His lips curled into the furious grin of combat and a battle cry emerged from his throat.

Three men charged from a nearby door with rifles readied at their shoulders. Adrenaline flushed through Jared’s veins and time seemed to freeze. He pulled the trigger and the first man fell. He shot a second round at another man but the Cerberus soldier dodged it with a combat roll. His agility surprised Jared, but a triple shot took his life as well. The third man was almost at his side, rifle blazing.

Jared felt something hitting his shoulder. The rush of battle enhanced his whole body and Jared jumped out of the Kodiak with a roll and activated his omni‑blade in mid‑air. He screamed and thrust his fist into the man’s midsection, causing a cry from his opponent. A second blow from Jared’s arm hit the man’s jaw, sending his helmet flying through the air.

When his opponent regained his battle‑stance, a pair of sky blue eyes Jared knew too well were looking at him, glaring through him with hatred.

No recognition was there. No sign of sentient life.

Jared lunged and his omni‑blade pierced through armour and flesh and bone. He listened to the beautiful sound of bone cracking and smiled. He waited until the light in his opponent’s eyes went out and retrieved his blade, blood dripping from his fist.

Yes, he _could_ kill a _Shepard‑clone_.


	12. Frenemy

**12\. Frenemy**

Jon had never enjoyed killing.

Though he had killed hundreds, maybe even thousands of many different species, seeing the light of his opponent’s eyes vanish before him still caused a slightly uneasy feeling inside him. But he had learned to live with death. He had killed his first man when he was sixteen. Until today, Jon still dreamed about the horrible night when he lost his parents and sister to the batarian pirates.

No, he didn’t regret killing that batarian with their kitchen knife. But he pitied the men who were lying at his feet now, slowly bleeding out.

Seeing his own features on the floor, pale skin under red blood, Jon’s guts twisted. For some reason, Jared didn’t seem to have any problems killing Shepard-clones, but Kaidan’s hesitation was obvious. The Major slowly walked to the dying man and knelt down before him while Jon only stood there in silence. The Spectre didn’t say anything, but sighed. He gently pulled the man’s head into his arms, cradling him, and then he drew out a military issued knife from his belt and pushed it into the back of the clone’s neck.

The Shepard-clone died immediately.

Kaidan’s shoulders slackened and he laid the man back on the floor. Jon watched Kaidan gaze into the empty eyes of the dead man and wondered what the Major was thinking. He remained still while Kaidan gently closed the man’s eyes and relaxed. He didn’t even notice that he was tense.

“Kaidan.” Jon stepped closer, voice unnaturally low. “We need to go. The central control can’t be far.”

It was true. They had encountered far fewer opponents on their way in that they had expected, but their numbers had increased in the last few corridors. But despite his knowledge of tactics, Jon just had a _feeling_.

With every step they took deeper into the facility, Jon felt tenser. It was as if one connection was failing while another was increasing. He wondered if he was linked to his brothers. Maybe he was disconnected due to the distance between them? But that explanation seemed wrong. Somewhere deep inside, Jon could feel that something else was going on here.

“Yeah, we are definitely close.” Jared snorted as they turned down another corridor. “I can feel it!”

“What is it?” Kaidan asked, voice husky. Jon had never told him, but his soft voice and his gentle being was very contradictory to his excellent military skills. Sometimes it was scary seeing Kaidan burst into blue flames with his bullets taking lives when he knew that the man could also be as soft as water.

“It’s like a pull,” Jon said, eyes scanning the perimeter. “Like something is waiting for me…”

“And calling for me,” Jared added, snorting. Of course Jared would be displeased to know that someone or something was trying to mess with his brain.

_Follow my voice!_

“What?” Jon snapped his head around.

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked.

“Did you hear that?” Jared whispered, down in a crouch.

“Hear what?”

“That voice!” _Keep going!_ “There! There it is again!”

“Jon, wait!” Kaidan’s hand was firm on Jon’s arm, stopping him in his dazed stumble towards a door. The realization that he acted without his knowledge was horrifying and Jon shivered.

“What did you hear?” the Major asked again, concern and caution showing in his eyes.

“Just a voice,” Jon said, shaking his head to clear his mind. “Probably nothing.”

“I heard that, too.” Jared stepped closer, looking even more furious. “I don’t like someone in my head. Let’s find it and let’s kill it. Fast!”

“I agree.” Kaidan nodded, still watching the two clones carefully. “We better hurry.”

When they started advancing again, Jon didn’t miss that fact that Kaidan stayed behind, watching his back. It could have been the Major’s general caution, but Jon couldn’t shake the feeling that Kaidan didn’t trust him anymore. That Kaidan didn’t trust him to watch his back.

It wouldn’t have worried him so much if the memories of Horizon and Mars hadn’t emerged to the surface of his mind. He realized that it was the same look he had seen when the Major accused him of being a traitor, a puppet of the Illusive Man. He had denied it with every breath he took back then, but today, Jon couldn’t.

Through Jon reminded himself every day when he looked into the mirror that his love was for Kaidan and his loyalty was to the Alliance, he knew very well that the chip in his head was a time bomb. It didn’t work very well or maybe not at all, but who knew what Cerberus had really engineered into them. For all he knew, Cerberus could have kept the control chips offline on purpose. Cerberus could be letting them act on their own and could be using them. Or it could have been the ship. He had spent almost two days on a ship that contained a lot of Reaper tech; how possible was it that he had been indoctrinated?

Jon shivered at the thought of his mind being controlled by someone else. He needed to find the controls, and the answers.

 _Come to me!_ The hollow voice in his head repeated. _Follow my voice!_

Jon swallowed, trying to suppress any reaction to those words. He stole a glance at his brother and the tiny bit of hesitation in Jared’s response told Jon that his brother had heard it too. The situation was getting tense. He needed to shut down his chip as fast as possible before he hurt anyone; before he hurt Kaidan.

“Okay,” he said, turning halfway to meet Kaidan’s gaze. It didn’t surprise him that the Major was keeping a close watch. “The controls must be behind this door. Well, if this station is built with any common sense.”

Kaidan nodded, already moving to hack the console. He remembered the old days, Shepard’s days, when the Major had accompanied him whenever he needed a tech expert. Watching Kaidan’s finger flying over the orange interface, Jon wished that he had not died on the Citadel. He wished that he could really be Shepard.

“Door is opening…now!”

Kaidan stepped out of the way and Jared took point. Jon quickly followed, gun raised towards the unknown. The routine of entering a possibly hostile room was drilled into him, natural like the ability to breathe. He didn’t need to ask who did what, he just moved.

Jon didn’t know what he had expected to see behind the locked door, but it wasn’t what he saw. None of this made sense and none of this fit. It wasn’t some kind of server like the geth used or an open wide theatre like Cronos Station; it was a crowded room filled with glass tanks, tables, control panels, and huge screens.

At the far end of the room a glass compartment separated the rest of the room from a working station. In front of the single screened wall, which was made of many smaller screens, two humans stood working and had not noticed them. The female was younger; she was dressed in the usual uniform of a Cerberus scientist and her hair was dirty blonde. She grabbed the older man’s shoulder and said something Jon couldn’t hear. The older man didn’t react to her and his hand didn’t leave the controls. She shook him again and then hesitated.

She turned and froze, her gaze meeting theirs. For a moment, Jon saw horror in her eyes, but then she relaxed and smiled. She took a moment to watch Kaidan, scanning him from top to bottom, appraising him. Then her eyes twitched to the light pistol on the table next to her and Jon was already thinking about shooting her.

But his hand didn’t react. He couldn’t curl his finger around the trigger and eliminate the threat before it emerged. He couldn’t move at all.

Kaidan shot instead. His bullet passed the open glass door and met her thigh, blood bursting onto her white uniform. She screamed and fell to the floor, hand pressing tight against the bleeding wound. Jon regained his ability to move and the three soldiers closed in.

Kaidan spoke first, “Move away from the console! Now!”

It clearly wasn’t directed to the bleeding woman but to the older man, who still remained oblivious. He didn’t seem to hear them; his movements didn’t stop or falter. He only shook his head frequently, murmuring to himself.

“Now! Or I’ll shoot,” Kaidan threatened, his husky voice echoing in the room.

The doctor looked up, tensed and finally turned around. He was an old man, hair grey and face covered with wrinkles and moles. His eyes were dark and bloodshot, his cheeks pale and hollow. Jon wondered how long this man had been standing here working on whatever it was he was doing without pause. He looked exhausted.

The woman on the floor squeaked and Jon’s gaze fell to her. He was sure that he had never seen her in his life.

“Please, don’t kill me!” she begged, face damp from her tears. “Please, I surrender!”

“Shut up!” Jared barked, visibly annoyed.

“Step away from the console,” Kaidan said slowly but very clearly. Every single one of his words was powered by the man’s resolve and even Jon didn’t doubt that the Major would shoot if his orders were not followed.

“Do what he says, Doctor!” the bleeding woman begged again. “Please! He’ll kill us all!”

“Would he?” the doctor replied calmly, addressing Kaidan. The older man had a smile on his face which made Jon uneasy although he couldn’t say why. “Would you, Spectre Alenko?”

Kaidan fired one single shot into the screen behind the doctor and one of the smaller screens went black. A few centimetres to the right and the doctor would be dead now. It was what they called a warning shot. Sometimes very effective, but today, not so much.

“Very well, then.” The Doctor smiled, raising his hands, but not in a gesture of surrender. “You’re a little too trigger happy for my taste, Spectre. Unit Two, Unit Seven, please seize him.”

“Fuck you!” Jared barked and Jon snorted.

“I hate children that don’t behave!” The doctor shook his head, apparently unaware of the danger he was in.

The woman on the floor was very aware. She reached out for the doctor’s leg, shaking. “Please, Doctor. Do it! Do it already!”

The doctor didn’t hesitate. He turned around with a speed Jon didn’t expect from a man his age and his mole covered hand punched a button on the console.

Jon reacted instinctively. But instead of shooting the doctor, who now definitely was a threat, he saw his own hand reaching out for Kaidan’s rifle. He bent the rifle upwards as it fired. Heat burned through his glove but the pain didn’t reach his brain. It was as if a connection had been cut; he thought one thing, but did another.

He his elbow met the chin‑piece of Kaidan’s helmet and he heart Kaidan grunt in pain. He knew it should hurt to hear Kaidan suffer, but even that connection was cut. His hand grabbed the Major’s arm and twisted it to Kaidan’s back. He felt the man resist so he added some more force of his own. His brother on the other side did the same and they forced Kaidan’s knees to the ground.

Inside, he was screaming. He wanted to stop. Stop moving and stop hurting Kaidan. Stop acting on someone else’s command. But he couldn’t; his muscles didn’t obey him anymore and the sensations in his body didn’t make sense. He was trapped inside his own mind, watching through a stranger’s eyes.

“That’s better!” The doctor sighed, pleased. “See, Vivien, he won’t hurt us. He can’t. Oh…”

The woman on the floor had fainted, blood slowly spilling out of her leg. She didn’t look too good, but Jon knew that she would survive. Kaidan hadn’t intended to kill her; his bullet merely grazed her leg.

“What the hell?” Kaidan grunted. “Jon! Release me!”

“My name is Unit Seven,” Jon heard himself saying, but he hadn’t wanted to. “You are a threat.”

“What are you talking about? Jared?”

“My name is Unit Two,” Jared answered. “You oppose our master!”

“See?” The doctor smiled, nodding towards Jon and Jared.

Jon didn’t know what made him do it, but an urge told him to drag Kaidan along. The Major struggled between them and Jon’s hold tightened. He bent Kaidan’s arm closer to his back, forcing a pained grunt from the Major. He stopped when they were inside the glass compartment, only meters away from the mad doctor.

“They obey _me_!” the doctor said, very clearly, as if teaching a small child how to speak. “Unit Five told you that the chip doesn’t work, because I made them believe that. Isn’t that a good strategy?”

“But we’ve found you after all!” Kaidan growled, glaring at the doctor.

The doctor laughed and Jon wanted to punch him. “That’s because I wanted you to find me, Alenko! I just didn’t think you’d be this fast. Your arrival wasn’t a surprise, as you might have noticed. Nonetheless, you nearly destroyed my plan.”

“Who are you? What do you want?”

“I want you to see my work!” the doctor proclaimed, completely ignoring the bleeding woman on the floor. He nodded one and Jon moved again. He reached out for Kaidan’s helmet and removed it. The Major didn’t struggle this time, but he certainly didn’t look pleased.

The doctor nodded again and smiled. “They work well, don’t they? Look at them. Completely obedient. I think it and they do it!”

“But how?” Kaidan gasped, glancing up to look at the clones.

Jon cried inside. He wanted to tell Kaidan that he was still here, still watching him. That he still loved him. But all he could do was to hold Kaidan’s gaze. He didn’t know what his eyes said, but whatever it was Kaidan met with contempt.

“This kind of control is even beyond Reaper indoctrination,” Kaidan said, turning back to look at the doctor. “How do you do it?”

“I’ll spare you the technical details.” The doctor waved one hand dismissively. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“What do you want then?” the Major asked. “What is your plan?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

 _No it isn’t!_ Jon thought.

“Influence! Control! Power! We are the apex species of this galaxy. It was us who had defeated the Reapers. The war was won with human blood!”

“We couldn’t have done that without the other species! They deserve the victory as much as us!” Kaidan countered.

“They held us back!” the doctor spat. “They denied us help when we needed it. If they had acted sooner, millions could have been saved!”

“So you created an army to destroy them? To take revenge?” The Major struggled again and Jared’s elbow met Kaidan’s face, drawing a grunt from the Spectre. Blood slowly ran out of Kaidan’s nose. The Spectre shook his head and continued to glare at the doctor. “What makes you better than the Reapers?”

“Oh, I don’t want to destroy them,” the old man said with a tone that made Kaidan’s question sound childish. “I only want to help us gain our rightful place. Look at us, Alenko! We won the war for them, yet still they treat us like vermin. Humanity is weak. And I will change that.”

“You are wrong!”

“Am I?” the doctor asked. “Why are you here if not to show the Council that humanity is more than they think? Why do you want this army?”

“I don’t!”

“Oh, you’re lying!” The doctor came closer, one hand closing around Kaidan’s bloody jaw. Jon screamed inside, yelling at the man to take his filthy hand off Kaidan. “I can see it in your eyes, Major. Deep inside, you know that I’m right. You know that they owe us!”

“No!” Kaidan hissed through clenched teeth and wound his head out of the doctor’s hand. “We won the war together and we share the peace together. People like you are the reason why the Council doesn’t trust us. Because of you, the peace is threatened again.”

“But I don’t want to start a war,” the doctor explained. “What I want is for the Council realize our true strength.”

“And you think an illegal army is the right way to do that?” Kaidan held the doctor’s stare. “I’ve encountered men like you before. You are so desperate for power you fail to see what’s right and what’s wrong. Surrender, it’s not too late!”

The old man shook his head. “I didn’t bring you here to discuss the morality of my actions.”

“Why did you bring me here, then?”

“I want you to understand what I’m trying to achieve.” The doctor sounded exasperated. He sighed and said, “I’ve been working for four years on this project now. I have uncovered the secret in the Prothean technology. I’ve studied memory longer than any other living human. Look at my work, Alenko. They have access to the memories of a dead man. Yet, they obey me.”

“But why?” Kaidan frowned and shook his head in disbelief. “You’ve done such great work, but for the wrong reason.”

“You speak with the naiveté of a child, Alenko. You’ve seen the war for yourself. You’ve seen what they have done to Earth! I saw my city burn and my friends die. Decades of work pulverised in a single beam. That was the worst day of my life.”

“I understand your pain,” Kaidan said. “But what you are doing is wrong. I have lost many things in the war, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing good work. Doctor, it’s not too late.”

“Don’t you dare to tell me what to do!” The mad man spat and Jon’s grip tightened automatically. “You know nothing of me! You don’t know what is like to see the work of the half of a century vanish in one blow. You don’t know what is like to see your beloved taken from you! My wife cried for three days when our only son died.

“We waited for months for the help the Alliance promised us! While your Commander was busy curing the Genophage and ending the Morning War, my wife died of dehydration. She died in my arms, right next to my son’s corpse. In the end, it was Cerberus that found me! They saved us from the ignorance of the Alliance and traitors among humans. They gave me a second chance! They gave me what I needed to make humanity strong. When I am finished, we won’t need to beg ever again!”

When the doctor was silent, Kaidan lowered his head for a moment. Jon watched and wanted to scream. He knew that Kaidan couldn’t handle death as well as he could. Kaidan always wanted to save everyone. Jon, though… Jon knew that Shepard had done everything he could. Listening to the life story of the doctor and understand his motives, Jon was certain that the scientist, who might have been great, was now insane.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said eventually. “Why do you need me?”

“I am dying, Alenko,” the doctor said with low voice. “I am over 92 years old and have not much time left. When I die, I want to see humanity on top. I want someone to carry on this crusade.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You are the only human Spectre we have left!” the doctor said, sounding as if this was obvious. “You have the trust of humanity. The trust of the Council. You are a hero of the Reaper War! The people love you.”

“You want me to be your poster boy,” Kaidan growled. “You want me to promote this army.”

“You are a soldier, Alenko. You are the perfect commander of my army. Imagine how strong humanity would be. How strong you would be!” The doctor proclaimed, spreading his arms as if talking about a glorious dream. “You will be a legend! The man who helped humanity rise. If we succeed, your name will be remembered even in a millennia’s time. Not as the guard‑dog of the legendary Commander Shepard, but as the man who helped us reign.”

 _Don’t trust him, Kaidan!_ Jon cried _He’s manipulating you!_

“You and me, Alenko,” the doctor continued. “We will create a new world. A world without the Reapers. A world in which humans can be kings!”

“What if I refuse?” _Good, Kaidan! Good!_

The doctor chuckled. He activated his omni‑tool and the screen behind him changed. The huge screen was filled with Kaidan’s image from a strange angle above his head. Jon watched with horror and realized that he was looking through Jared’s eyes. The doctor tapped his omni‑tool again and the image shrank, changing the other half of the screen to show Jon’s view. The doctor tapped a third time and many sounds filled the room at once.

Behind him, seals were being opened. Jon watched the scene behind him by watching the screen in front of him. From many angles he saw armoured men stepping out of the tanks all over the room. They gathered outside the glass door and every one of them was watching Kaidan’s back. Jon cursed mentally, knowing that Kaidan had no chance of fighting off him and his brother, now joined by a dozen Shepard‑clones.

“You see?” the hated doctor sneered. “The odds are against you.”

“Your fleet is falling apart outside,” Kaidan said. “One word from me, and they will blow this station to pieces!”

 _Yes, Kaidan! Keep going! Don’t let him use you!_ Jon thought.

“You have no chance of escaping in time,” the doctor said as if he didn’t understand what Kaidan implied. “Wait, you would sacrifice yourself?”

“Some of us don’t just live for power.”

“Virtuous, Spectre! Truly virtuous!” The doctor sneered again. “But you realize that you have to kill, oh let me count, fourteen men before any word of yours reaches the Reapers?”

“I just need to kill one!” Kaidan suggested.

“What good would that do?” The doctor didn’t seem intimidated at least. He frowned but then looked up. “Oh, you want to save them! Set them free! If you don’t plan on cutting out the chips one by one, you will have to kill them all.”

 _Good!_ John thought. _I’d rather die than live as a mind‑controlled slave!_

The doctor started to laugh. “Do you seriously think I would let them wander loose? Let me show you something!”

Jon had no idea how he managed to control all these clones because this time he didn’t use his omni‑tool. He just blinked. A newly awakened clone emerged from behind them and walked forward until he was right in front of Kaidan. There was nothing strange about his movements, no mindless wandering like husks or the people who were controlled by Leviathan. Just a normal man, with normal movements.

The clone, a living image of Commander Shepard, knelt down before Kaidan, sky blue eyes glistening. He placed a hand on the Major’s face and Kaidan struggled. Jon braced himself and tried not to hurt Kaidan and this time he noticed that he used less force than Jared.

“Kaidan,” the Shepard‑clone whispered. Even his tone was more like Shepard than Jon’s. A surge of jealousy ran through Jon, making him fight harder against his physical control.

“Kaidan,” Shepard repeated. “Please, do what he says. Do it for humanity. Do it for me.”

Jon was close to rage. He didn’t know what he would do if his body wasn’t controlled by another. He might have jumped up and kicked the Shepard out of Kaidan’s way.

“No… I can’t!” the Major said, voice shaking slightly. “Don’t!”

“Please.” The Shepard reached out for the knife on Kaidan’s belt. “I’m sorry.”

 _No!_ Jon screamed and fought. His finger twitched around Kaidan’s arm and he believed he could move his leg. _Come on! Come on!_

But what the Shepard‑clone did surprised him. Instead of stabbing Kaidan, the man stood up, retreated and put the knife to his own throat. Kaidan closed his eyes and turned his face away but Jared grabbed the Major’s chin and forced him to look. Blood spread where the clone had cut. It ran down his armour plates, soaked his undersuit and dripped from the blade. The clone gurgled, tumbled and fell to the floor, eyes twitching.

Together, they watched the clone bleed out in silence.

“You’re a monster!” Kaidan growled, eyes slightly bloodshot.

“Really?” the doctor said and another man stepped out of the crowd. He came up to the dead man, picked up the knife and put it to his own throat. “You decision is what defines their actions.”

“No!” Kaidan shouted. “Stop!”

“That depends on you, Kaidan,” the second Shepard‑clone said. “If you want us to live, lead us to victory.”

“No!”

The clone squeezed the blade tighter until fresh blood leaked from his flesh.

“Okay! Okay!” Kaidan panted. “I’ll do it. Stop hurting them!”

The doctor smiled down at Kaidan with the softness of a father and Jon saw his own hand leave Kaidan’s arm. He extended his hand to Kaidan, gesturing to help him up. The Spectre gave him a cautious look.

 _Take my hand!_ Jon begged. _Take my hand, Kaidan!_

The Major took Jon’s hand. The moment Kaidan’s glove touched his hand, Jon felt something. He didn’t know what it was, but it was there. There was a small voice within, telling him to keep fighting. Jon clenched his teeth, forcing all his strength toward the two fingers which were still in contact with Kaidan’s glove.

And then, they twitched.

The doctor came closer to Kaidan and smiled. He activated his omni‑tool again and the screen split in half, exposing a huge room behind. Inside, Jon saw the source of his power. So, it was Reaper tech after all.

“I knew you’d come around, Kaidan,” the doctor said softly. “You remind me of my son; he was a good man too.”

Kaidan didn’t reply but acted. The Major bent his head forward, barrelling into the doctor in a head‑butt. The moment the doctor’s mind blurred, Jon felt strength in his own body. He could move, so he did.

With rage fuelling him, he unleashed his biotic energy, bursting with blue flames. He caught the Shepard‑clone in a tight grip around his neck and without any further thought, he snapped it. The clone went completely limp in his arms and Jon just dropped him.

Jared closed in, omni‑blade activated. The Soldier didn’t go for Jon, but charged for Kaidan. Jon caught his brother with a throw; he could apologize later. His brother hovered in mid‑air, struggling against the mass effect field. Jon caught him out of the air when he saw that the ten clones outside had all readied their weapons. He didn’t know where they even got those lethal tools.

“Kaidan!” he shouted, feeling more like himself. The little voice within was encouraging him, keeping him going, shielding him from the control of that old mad man. “Go for the controls! I’ll hold them up!”

He didn’t wait for Kaidan’s response and went for the glass door, slamming it shut and sealing it. When he turned around, he caught a glimpse of Kaidan disappearing into the darkness of the room behind the screen. Jared was slowly coming to his feet and Jon was there before his brother could do any harm.

“Jared!” he shouted into his brother’s face, one fist buried against his brother’s stomach. “Jared, stop! It’s me!”

“My name is Unit Two!” Jared growled, lunging out with his omni‑blade; a weapon his brother was truly lethal with. “Do not stand in my way!”

 _Oh boy!_ This was going to be a tough fight.


	13. The Master

**13\. The Master**

Kaidan had been betrayed. Again.

Kaidan had been betrayed many, many times in his life. It first started when he was a young boy in school. He had asked a boy he thought was his friend to keep his secret of being a biotic, but at the first chance Kaidan was sold out for popularity. Then, he had witnessed many betrayals during his time at BAaT and finally there was the Council. But none of those had hurt as much as Shepard’s betrayal.

When he had met the Commander on Horizon in Cerberus colours, Kaidan had felt like being drowned in ice‑water. The pain had run so deep, every single cell in his body had screamed. It was as if a thousand tonnes of rock had been pressing on his chest, crushing his bones and taking away his ability to breathe.

It had been fear, Kaidan had realized on Mars. He didn’t fear what Shepard would do, but what he might have to do to Shepard. What would have happened if Shepard really turned on him, attacked him or tried to kill him? Until today, Kaidan still didn’t know if he could have pulled the trigger on someone he loved so much.

Back then, the mission and a third squad‑mate had kept his mind clear. Back then, he still had the hope that he was wrong.

But what was that today? What happened out there? Had he been right? Did Jon and Jared turn on him on purpose? Had they really looked him in the eyes and lied to him? Had they intended on betraying him from the beginning?

Kaidan let out a frustrated cry as his fingers flew over the controls. He only caught glimpses of the information on the small screen due to the speed they passed by. He needed the answers. He needed to free those men. If they could be freed.

But Jon had regained his controls, hadn’t he? Or did he come to his senses and realize that Cerberus was wrong? Jon had killed one of those mindless minions. Jon was fighting Jared right now, making sure that Kaidan could complete the mission. Jon was risking his life for him. Jon still knew who he was.

_Give them to me!_

A dark voice echoed through the room, making Kaidan jump. Before he realized it, he had already drawn his sidearm and was searching the perimeter for the source. But the room was too dark for Kaidan to see much. After half a minute, Kaidan sighed and went back to hacking.

He needed to gain control of this artefact; to this Reaper heart, this faintly glowing orb in the centre of darkness. He needed to know what was controlling these clones. What could let an old man blink and command a man to commit suicide? What was this man? What was this chip? What sorcery was this?

“Dammit!” He punched on the controls, sweat forming on his forehead. “Give me the damn access! You’re a Reaper core, how could _you_ be controlled?”

_Give them to me!_

The dark voice was back. This time Kaidan noticed that the voice only existed in his head. Otherwise, the sound recording program in his omni‑tool would have picked up something. He shook his head to lose the voice. He was too close to Reaper tech. He was being indoctrinated! Time was running out for him.

“Get out of my head!” Kaidan barked, anxious and exhausted. “Leave me alone!”

 _Kaidan!_ The voice changed slightly, sounding more human now. _Listen to me._

“Shut up!” Kaidan yelled, trying to focus on the glowing screen before him. “Go away!”

 _Follow my voice!_ The voice sounded now even familiar. _Kaidan, follow my voice._

For an instant, Kaidan saw a flash of white light around him. He saw a limitless plain of mist, centred around him. From afar, a hazed silhouette was approaching slowly. But as suddenly as the image came, it vanished.

“Stay out of my head!” Kaidan shouted into the dark room. He shook his head as he felt the pressure of a headache approaching. “Stay away from me!”

The image flashed again, bringing Kaidan to a realm that couldn’t be real. _Listen to me, Kaidan. I am your friend._

“Shut up!” Kaidan yelled. He pressed his hands against his ears and closed his eye firmly. He didn’t want to see this place, didn’t want to let any influence reach his mind. “You will not control me!”

 _Open your eyes, Kaidan._ The familiar voice whispered softly. It sounded compelling and even warm. _Listen to your heart, Kaidan. Look at me. Open your eyes._

Trembling inside, Kaidan obeyed reluctantly. He could make out the features of the person now. He was human, male and he was definitely not real. The outline of his familiar N7 armour emerged from the haze, becoming sharper, stronger until the figure stood in front of Kaidan as heroic and proud as the man had been.

“Shepard?” Kaidan whispered, voice heavy with disbelief. “Is that you?”

“The man I was used this name,” Shepard said, blue eyes looking deep into Kaidan’s. “Now, we are all Shepard.”

“What the hell? Who are you?”

“Do not worry.” Shepard shook his head slightly. “I will not harm you.”

“What the hell are you?” Kaidan gasped.

“I was created through his death,” Shepard said. “He directs my thoughts now, guiding my actions and giving me reason.”

“What reason?” Kaidan snapped, mind working fast to comprehend the situation he was in. Was he in a Reaper’s mind? Talking to an image of Shepard, who was controlling the Reapers?

“I am the guardian of the many,” Shepard explained without any mentionable change in his expression. “I protect and watch over the ones who live on. The ones who remember who I was.”

“What?” Kaidan couldn’t find any words to express his bewilderment. “Where is Shepard? What happened?”

“I died,” Shepard said simply, lowering his face in something resembling shame. “I am very sorry, Kaidan. But to ensure the future of the many, I had to make that sacrifice. I had to leave you behind to become something more. Something else.”

“But you are not Shepard.” It wasn’t a question, nor was it an accusation. Kaidan just couldn’t cope with the fact that his lover still existed somehow. When he had talked to the Reaper core inside _Perseverance_ , it was only a guess. He was only following an instinct. But seeing Shepard standing here, talking to him like a real man, Kaidan was close to tears. He held them back. “No, you’re not him. You just look like him!”

“I was created in his image, the image of our master.” Shepard raised his head to look at Kaidan. “I speak with his voice and use the words he chose for me. I embody the man you know as Shepard.”

“And you control the Reapers?”

“I do.”

“What will they do?”

“What I command.”

“And what do you command?”

“I will rebuild what the many have lost. I will create a future with limitless possibility. I will protect and sustain.”

“So you are good now?”

“The Reapers will do what I command. I will do what Shepard commands.”

“Whatever he commands?”

“He is in control.”

“Okay.” Kaidan gasped. “So when I talk to you, do I talk to Shepard?”

“Yes.”

Kaidan nodded and slowly stepped back from Shepard. It was weird talking to an image and not the real person. But as far as Kaidan understood it, Shepard was still with him.

“All right.” Kaidan breathed in. “So you’re on our side now.”

“I no longer wish the extinction of advanced civilizations. The cycle has been broken.” Shepard paused and closed the gap Kaidan put in between them. “But I need your help. The peace I created is threatened again.”

“Evil will always emerge,” Kaidan countered. “No matter what you do, the galaxy will never be free of threats.”

“I am not concerned with minor conflict,” Shepard said. “This army will impact on the galaxy greatly. Many will die if they march unchallenged.”

“What do you want me to do?” Kaidan shook his head. “I don’t know how to shut them down or set them free. Not yet!”

“Give them to me,” Shepard suggested. “I will direct their thoughts.”

“Don’t you understand, Shepard? I don’t know how! I didn’t have enough time to figure it out before you brought me here.”

“Your word is the only thing I need,” Shepard said. “Once you approve I will control them.”

“Like you control the husks.”

“Yes.” Shepard nodded.

“They don’t have to be slaves!” Kaidan snapped.

“They will not be,” Shepard said again. He didn’t change his facial expression and didn’t change his tone. The lack of human emotion in Shepard caused Kaidan mental pain. It was like talking to the Shepard VI on the Citadel. Kaidan wished that this image would talk with the Commander’s passion, that this image would at least give Kaidan the illusion that it understood human emotion.

“What will they be?” Kaidan asked, still confused. “What would you do to them?”

“They will be my windows to the galaxy,” Shepard said. Kaidan noticed that the blue eyes he was looking at were more beautiful than he remembered.

“I will use them to interact,” Shepard continued. “They will show me places I cannot see. Talk with my voice to the ones I cannot hear. They can feel what I cannot sense and maybe even love, while I cannot anymore.”

“What?” Kaidan shook his head, trying to understand. “Like Leviathan used his artefact? What is this, a collective hive mind? Will you turn them into husks?”

“That is not necessary. These clones are wired to my technology,” Shepard explained. “To create them, pieces of my children were used. I am connected to them in a different way. A more human way.”

“Their brain‑chips are Reaper tech?”

“Partly.” Shepard nodded. “Through these pieces of technology they are able to gain access to my memories. To Shepard’s memories. I have a special link to them. In the past, I have tried to gain control over them, but their will is stronger than I calculated.”

“But why now?”

“They are at the source of their control. With your approval, I will take control over this core, thus over them.”

“But I can free them!” Kaidan pressed, though he felt uncertain inside. “I can find a way to disable this core, right? I just need more time. Then I can set them free!”

“They will not be free,” Shepard replied. He waved once with his hand and the images appeared around them. Those were not flat images on a screen, but real scenes taking place next to them.

Kaidan watched a clone standing on the bridge of a Cerberus cruiser, sending squadrons into forlorn battle against the Reapers. Another clone was in a locker room, changing into a suit of armour as many others next to him did the same. Then he watched a clone he knew too well fight another and his heart clenched.

Jon grunted as Jared’s fist met his jaw. Jon spat the blood on the floor and charged into his already battle‑beaten brother. Jared had a cut over his eyebrow that was bleeding. A black hole was in his chest plate where Jon apparently hit him. Jared’s omni‑blade was bright and Kaidan watched how it met Jon’s flesh. Jon grunted again, grabbing Jared’s wrist and bending it away.

“Jared, Stop!” Jon shouted into the other clone’s face. “Jared, fight the control! I know you’re still there! Come on!”

“Don’t call me that!” Jared growled and head‑butted Jon. “I am Unit Two and I have a purpose! You are in my way.”

“Stop him!” Kaidan shouted to Shepard, fingers pointing at the two fighting clones. “Shepard, stop them!”

“Do you understand?” Shepard asked. “Without my control, they will rage until every non‑human species in the galaxy is forced to their knees. The indoctrination runs too deep. I cannot let this happen.”

The scene froze and vanished. Kaidan involuntarily took a step towards the two fading clones and only caught a fist of dust. He turned around to look at Shepard watching him with expectation showing in his eyes. The Commander’s gaze then lowered slightly and he sighed.

“Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice was low and sounded almost like an apology. “I cannot let this army wander. I cannot let them threaten the peace.”

“Is there no other way to save them?” Kaidan’s voice was trembling. He noticed that tears were coming back and fought them down. He needed to save Jon, to save his last chance of a future. “I can’t do this. I can’t let you control them. There must be another way!”

“This is the only solution,” Shepard whispered. “Otherwise, they will die in battle against me.”

“Shepard, please!” Kaidan begged, unable to prevent his tears from spilling now. “Please, don’t take him away. I need him.”

“You need me!” Shepard growled. The moment the words escaped his mouth, Kaidan could feel the ground tremble. Shepard’s voice ran through him, causing him to shiver. It echoed in the air, surrounded him and didn’t fade away.

Kaidan raised his gaze towards the image of his dead lover, horrified by the effect of its rage. He slowly took a step back and suspicion rose inside him.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said as he noticed Kaidan’s discomfort. “He is not Shepard. He is only a clone.”

“But he’s all I have left,” Kaidan breathed out, voice small and powerless. “You’re dead, Shepard. You left me. You abandoned me. I can’t lose him, too.”

“I am very sorry, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered and took a step closer. “Time was short and I had to decide. As much as you meant to me and as much as I wanted to return to you, the galaxy needed my sacrifice more.”

“No. Don’t apologize, John.” Kaidan moaned, shaking his head. “I understand. I know you did the right thing.”

“Now, it’s your time to do the same,” Shepard said, stepping into Kaidan’s personal space. There was something challenging in Shepard’s tone that had encouraged Kaidan’s integrity before. But today, the Major was too broken to respond to it.

“I can’t, John. I can’t let you have him.” Kaidan closed his eyes and turned away in shame. He didn’t want to cry or break, but tears and pain were always with him. “Don’t you understand? There is no future for me. Nothing! My family is dead. Our friends are back on their home worlds. I have no one but him! I am alone.”

“You are not alone,” Shepard whispered and finally touched Kaidan. He rested his hand on Kaidan’s upper arm and the Major could feel the warmth that used to cradle him at night. It felt right. More right than Jared’s touch, June’s touch or Jon’s touch. Kaidan had no explanation for that. Maybe it was because this _was_ Shepard.

The Commander’s hand slowly moved to Kaidan’s face. He gently guided Kaidan to look in another direction and scenes appeared again within the dust.

Kaidan’s mouth fell open. He watched himself crying at the Conduit, hands clenched around a piece of scorched N7 helmet. He saw himself wandering through the wreckage of so many Reaper corpses, searching for the man he loved. He witnessed himself lying on London’s ground between the rubble, curled into a ball while a rain drowned him. In another scene, Kaidan watched his first step onto the _Perseverance_ ; his temples were grey and his face was ashen. He watched himself turn in his sleep, alone in his cabin and murmuring Shepard’s name.

Kaidan watched his own fall with horror. He knew that he had been at his depths but he hadn’t realized that it was that bad. Looking at these memories, Kaidan understood that Shepard had been watching him all along. He saw himself through the Reaper’s eyes, through _Perseverance’s_ eyes and all the messages were the same.

Kaidan was slowly dying from grief.

“You were never alone.” Shepard repeated. “I was with you. I watched over you and it pains me.”

“Why didn’t you let me know?” Kaidan collapsed to the hazed floor. He hid his face in his hands and suppressed another sob. “Why didn’t you tell me, John?”

“It was inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate?” Kaidan hissed, glaring at Shepard. “I mourned you for four years! I cried for you every night, John! I miss you! And I still love you!”

“I know, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered with heavy breaths. If this image could cry, then this Shepard was close. He sat down next to Kaidan and whispered again, “I long for you every minute I exist. But I want you to move on. To be happy. To live.”

“I can’t!” Kaidan choked, salty tears leaking into his mouth. His throat was hurting and his eyes couldn’t see clearly. He felt dizzy, tired and too weak. “Knowing that you are dead… Can’t you see it? There is no life for me. I fight because I don’t know what else to do! And I’m still alive because nothing has killed me yet. Is that what you call a life?”

“I am so sorry.” Shepard’s hand touched Kaidan’s face and he wiped a single tear away. He put his arm around the Major’s shoulder and Kaidan leaned in.

Feeling Shepard’s armour pressed against his cheek, Kaidan felt secure again. For a moment, he let his feelings flow. He cried like the night in London and the days that followed. He sobbed into Shepard’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around the Commander’s waist. He put all his power into his weak arms and feared that Shepard might vanish once he let go.

“You can still choose, Kaidan,” Shepard said after a while, forehead leaning against Kaidan’s. “We can be together again. Stay here with me.”

“What?” Kaidan blinked. He didn’t understand. “How?”

“Just stay,” Shepard whispered. “Forever.”

“What about the clones? Jared and Jon? What will happen to them?”

“I will deal with them.”

“You will control them!”

“Kaidan, it doesn’t have to be your concern,” Shepard said. Again, their surroundings changed. Instead of dust, they were suddenly sitting on a balcony on the Citadel. Air‑cars flew past them, blocking the artificial sun for a moment. From afar, Kaidan could hear the fountains in the Citadel lake and it all seemed perfect. Then, Kaidan and Shepard were arm in arm on a couch, overlooking English Bay. A bottle of Canadian Larger was in Kaidan’s hand while a Husky snoozed lazily at his feet. “We can form this realm to our will, living the life that was stolen from us. We can be together again. This time, for eternity.”

“But this is not real,” Kaidan whispered, glancing around the perfect illusion.

“This can be as real as you want it to be.” Shepard voice was low at Kaidan’s ear. He felt the Commander’s breath as the scene faded.

Kaidan’s heart skipped a beat and went empty. He didn’t admit it to himself but what he had experienced just then was more beautiful than his dreams. He clutched Shepard’s body, begging him with this gesture to stay. He wasn’t ready to let go yet.

“I can’t stay here,” Kaidan lied. It cost him more strength to say it than he had thought. And deep within, Kaidan knew that he would regret this lie later. “I can’t abandon Earth. What’s my other choice?”

“Let me control the clones,” Shepard repeated his previous offer as he created another possible future.

This time, Kaidan was standing in the Council tower, facing five Councillors instead of four. It didn’t take long for him to register that in the centre of the Councillors, Shepard’s features dominated the room.

“I will function as a sentient species,” Shepard explained. “This clone will give voice to my needs and explain my actions. I will exist among the many, as one of the many. This is your second choice.”

“And what will happen to the rest?”

A park appeared where the Councillor had been. Kaidan watched the sun shining down at the playing children as the women and men walked past on the streets. It was an ordinary day in an ordinary human place. But somewhere between all these people, Shepard’s face stood out like a beam. The Shepard‑clone wasn’t doing anything but looking at the children and listening to the conversations around him. Many other scenes appeared, all showing Shepard teaching, studying, researching, building and even fighting.

“They will gather information and share my knowledge and wisdom. And if they are needed, they will protect those who can’t protect themselves,” Shepard explained. “They will live a normal life and then they will perish. When they die, their children will remember them. When their children die, the children of their children will remember them. But when their children’s children die, they will be forgotten. With time, their mark will vanish from the face of the galaxy until no one knew that they ever existed.”

Kaidan watched the illusion, crying. While Shepard talked, the scene before them changed again. Kaidan saw himself walking dawn a rainy street with Jon in his arms. They shared an umbrella and laughed together. He saw himself kissing Jon as the sun set while a small child slept in his arms. But then, Jon was old. His hair was grey and his face hollow. Kaidan saw himself crying at Jon’s bedside, also aged with the years. He laid a flower on Jon’s grave while a young woman patted his back. Then the young woman wasn’t young anymore and she put flower on the grave Kaidan shared with Jon while two small children ran around her. Then, the children were adults and laid flowers on his grave. They lingered a moment and then walked away. The flowers wilted on the grave as the leaves on the trees around it turned yellow and green and yellow again. In the end, the leaves were gone, too. The stone cracked, the names unreadable. Gone. And then, even the stone faded, leaving nothing but an empty place.

“You can choose, Kaidan,” Shepard said, one tear dropping onto Kaidan’s hand.

“Why should I believe you?” Kaidan sobbed out of the deepest part of his heart. He wanted this to be real. He wanted the Shepard that was still there. But the possibility still existed that he was only imagining all this. His mind was weak and his vision blurry. He had cried too much and fought too much. He shivered and leaned into Shepard’s shoulder, tears running down his face.

“Kaidan, you know that this is not only your imagination,” the Commander said. Kaidan felt Shepard’s hand on his upper arms and he was being pushed away far enough to look Shepard in the eyes. “You have trusted him. You can trust me.”

“John…”

Finally, Shepard kissed him. It started gently, only lips brushing lips. But Kaidan couldn’t wait any longer. He gave into the kiss, feeling it with his whole being. His arms wrapped around Shepard’s waist, pressed him tight to himself. The warmth of Shepard’s body went through him, making him smile and cry at the same time.

“Make your decision, Kaidan,” Shepard said when they separated, forehead against forehead. “No matter what happens, I will always love you.”

“I love you too, John,” Kaidan whispered and traced Shepard’s features with his fingers. “But this is not real. I can’t live in an illusion.”

“So be it,” Shepard said and kissed Kaidan one last time as everything turned white.

When the Major opened his eyes, he was lying on the floor at the Reaper heart. The room was dark and, for a moment, Kaidan couldn’t see anything. He didn’t know how much time had passed and didn’t know what exactly had happened.

The only thing Kaidan was certain of was that Commander Johnathan Shepard _was_ dead.


	14. Epilogue

**14\. Epilogue**

The door before him was locked but it took Kaidan only a few seconds to bypass it. The office behind the door was just like the last time Kaidan was here. The artificial sunlight shone through the window and painted interesting patterns on the floor.

Within this room, time seemed frozen. But outside the room, everything had happened.

_“Major!” Varov called, her voice still vivid in Kaidan’s memory. “Major, do you copy?”_

_Kaidan answered with a low and powerless voice, “I hear you, Lieutenant. What’s your status?”_

_“Thank god, you’re alive!” She gasped, relief audible in her voice. “I couldn’t reach you. I thought… I thought they got you.”_

_“Who got me?” Kaidan asked stupidly. He was still confused and very weak minded._

_“The clone‑Commanders,” she said, her voice already calming down. “They suddenly turned on us. Johnson is injured, but stable. We though they turned on you, too.”_

_“They did,” Kaidan admitted. “But I’m fine. What about Team Charlie? Any word from them?”_

_Varov hesitated for a moment and that told Kaidan everything he needed to know._

_“They’re lost, Major. We were with them when it happened,” Varov said eventually, almost whispering. Kaidan pitied her.  Through it hadn’t been the first time she had seen people die; but as Kaidan recalled, it had been the first time she had lost a soldier under her command._

_“What’s your status, Lieutenant? Are you safe?”_

_“Yes, Sir. They retreated,” Varov reported. “They just suddenly stopped and retreated. Whatever you did, Major, it’s over. We’ve won.”_

We’ve won, _Kaidan thought. It didn’t feel like victory. It felt like defeat. A devastating defeat that left Kaidan crushed on the floor. Kaidan only sighed._

_He remained in the centre of the glass compartment for a long time. He silently watched the corpses on the floor and thought about nothing at all. One of the three corpses was the old scientist who had gone mad because of the war. The other two were two men who looked just like the one Kaidan had just kissed. Two men without tattoos._

Kaidan never found out what happened to the Cerberus scientist, Vivien. He didn’t know where Jared and Jon went, or where the rest of the project Legion had gone. That the Cerberus fleet had retreated suddenly was proof enough that Shepard had taken control. When Kaidan thought about it now, he wasn’t so sure that he had made the right choice.

But no matter what he had decided to do, Kaidan knew that he couldn’t continue anymore. Varov and Johnson and the rest of the _Perseverance’s_ crew had celebrated him like a hero the moment he set foot on his ship, but Kaidan knew too well that his military career was over.

He was an old solder with long years of experience. He was an honest commander with excellent combat skills. But on the inside, Kaidan was a broken man who just couldn’t deal with life anymore.

He had retired to his cabin and finished his report before the day was over. He sent his resignation to Alliance Command and the Spectre office along with a commendation for Lieutenant Varov and the Reapers. He had gone down to the crew quarters and given his favourite rifle to Varov and patted her back. It was the last time Kaidan saw her. Because before she appeared at her post the next day, Kaidan had taken a shuttle from the first place they docked to refuel and vanished from sight.

The last time he saw them, but not the last the galaxy saw of him.

“Major?” Councillor Tralor’s voice was full of surprise. For a moment, the human representative forgot about his friendly mask and stared. His left eye was still black and the bruise on his jaw was concealed under a well‑shaped beard. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Really?” Kaidan asked, his voice low and husky. No matter how hard he tried, Kaidan had never managed to sound very threatening. “You forgot about my promise?”

“I must say, you are very bold to approach me, Major.” Councillor Tralor avoided the question. His voice was too sweet for Kaidan’s taste. Apparently, the politician hadn’t forgotten. “One word and I can have you arrested.”

“Do you really want that, Councillor?” Kaidan asked and walked steadily towards the other man.

“Do you know how many people are searching for you, Major?” Again, the Councillor didn’t answer Kaidan’s question.

“I noticed the tightened security,” Kaidan said dryly.

“How did you even get onto the Citadel?”

“I have powerful friends.”

“However, Major, are you aware of the consequences of your actions? What have you done out there?”

“You tell me.”

“The Reapers approached us and asked to be recognized as a sentient species. We have approximately twenty thousand Shepards running across the galaxy, all demanding diplomatic immunity. They claim to be the _voice_ of the Reapers. And then there’s you! You’ve become a fugitive!” The Councillor didn’t sound too angry, rather amused. “And then you just show up after two weeks as if nothing happened. Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?”

“There is one thing I owe you,” Kaidan said and shifted his weight. As he pressed his arms to his side, he felt his sidearm underneath. The weapon was heavy today. Heavy with purpose. Heavy with vengeance. “But before I give you what you deserve, you have to answer my question.”

Councillor Tralor raised an eyebrow. “Are you here to interrogate me?”

“I am in no mood for your games. What did Cerberus promise you for your help, Councillor?” Kaidan asked. “What did you tell them about me?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” The Councillor’s voice was higher than usual. To Kaidan’s ears, that was clearly a lie.

“Stop pretending, Tralor.” Kaidan walked up to his desk and supported his two arms on the surface. The Councillor sank back into his seat as if the extra distance could protect him.

“You have more urgent problems, Alenko.” The Councillor looked to the side and swallowed. Maybe he was calculating his chance for an escape. “You have at least three Spectres on your tail and a one million credit bounty on your head. You shouldn’t be worrying about me.”

“Thank you for the information. But now tell me what I want to know.”

“You think you can bully me?” Tralor hissed.

“Do I need to remind you of what I did in the past two weeks?” Kaidan asked and activated his biotics. In Tralor’s eyes, Kaidan saw fear and his own reflection. For a moment, he wondered what had made him so brutal.

“Okay, okay.” Tralor trembled, apparently remembering what Kaidan had done to him the last time he was here. “You must know that we wanted the same thing. We only had the best for humanity in mind.”

“Is a slave army controlled by a single man your definition of the best for humanity?” Kaidan growled. Again, revulsion for this Politian boiled inside him.

“What good does it do now?” Tralor shifted in his seat. His hands were clenched around his armrest so tightly, his knuckles turned white. “You destroyed our chance anyway. I worked very hard for three years to cover up this project and you just needed three days to ruin it all. I handed this army to you on a silver platter! I offered you a chance to make your mark on history! I was so sure that your primitive lust for Shepard was exactly what we needed. But no, of course not! Spectre Kaidan Alenko is too fine to get his hands dirty!”

“Then you don’t know me very well, Tralor.” Kaidan had heard enough. He pulled the M-3 Predator from under his jacket and pointed it at the human representative. He had killed for the majority of his life but Kaidan had never been a murderer.

Well, there was a first time for everything.

“You wouldn’t dare!” Tralor squeaked. “I am a Citadel Council Member! I am—”

Kaidan pulled the trigger.

_Dead,_ he thought and blinked. He watched the blood slowly leak from the Councillor’s forehead and sighed. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel shaken like the time he shot Udina. He felt relieved instead.

This man hadn’t deserved otherwise.

Two whole weeks Kaidan had thought about this. Two whole weeks he had imagined this encounter in his head. He had searched every corner of his mind, replayed every conversation he had engaged in with this man. But the outcome had always been the same.

He had shot the second human Councillor on the Citadel. He had murdered Tralor in cold blood.

Kaidan swallowed once and put his gun back under his jacket. He pulled the attached hood higher over his face and through about what he should do next. Again, his thoughts wandered back to his choice with Shepard. Right now, he wished he had chosen an eternity within illusions. Right now, Kaidan wished he wasn’t alone.

He walked slowly towards the door, thinking about what he should do with his life. He needed to get off of the Citadel first. The faster, the better. Though Kaidan had become an anonymous stranger in his civilian clothing, he still knew too many people here to linger. And Tralor had mentioned three Spectres and a bounty. That certainly would complicate things.

For a moment, Kaidan thought about going to Illium. Illium was always a good place to hide. Maybe he could ask Liara to get him a fake ID and find some old contacts to start a new life. Maybe he could go to Omega. Under Aria’s reign, it would be even easier for him to hide. Or, he might go back to Eden Prime where everything started. Or to Mindoir where Shepard was born.

Deep in thought, Kaidan punched the controls on the door. It slid open with a hiss and exposed a tall man dressed in black. A dark hood hid his face and Kaidan tensed. He reached for his heavy pistol underneath his jacket and thought that maybe he wouldn’t go anywhere.

“Missed me?” a familiar voice asked. The hooded stranger raised his head and sunlight reflected in his blue eyes. When he spoke again, the black number seven on his face moved in a fascinating way. “Where are you going?”

“How did you find me?”

“We have eyes everywhere,” Jon replied. “And you’re not as stealthy as you think you are.”

Kaidan sighed.

“So.” Jon tilted his head to look past Kaidan. He startled for a moment, but then he just shrugged. “Looks like you need a place to hide for a while.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan nodded.

“Anywhere specific in mind?”

“No.”

“Well.” Jon extended one hand and put on an encouraging grin. “You promised me a house once.”

“Vancouver? Really?”

“Okay, maybe not?” Jon raised one eyebrow. Kaidan found that Jon looked very ridiculous right now. “But, I’ve heard that your Dad had a pretty amazing orchard somewhere.”

“Better.” Kaidan smiled and took Jon’s hand.

Well, maybe his choice wasn’t so bad after all.

Only one human lifetime.

One life was enough for Kaidan.

-THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really was a piece of work. I intended to write 10K words, but that's what I end up with.  
> Thank you for reading. :-)  
> (I stumbled over two minor typos when I read it on my phone, but I can't find them again. So if someone noticed them, maybe tell me? :-D)


End file.
